Score...

Hah... I found out that in order to stay in my EMT class, I had to have my CPR for Basic Life Support with AED training renewed by this Wednesday, AND have 2 copies of proof of a negative PPD test, and proof of MMR vaccination, as well as a waiver for Hep B vaccinations since I haven't had that, and there isn't time to do it by Wednesday... Luckilly, the teacher set up a class Saturday for those of us who needed the BLS CPR recertified, and I took that Saturday and passed with flying colors. LOL I actually got to be dummy too.. But not for breathing. Someone asked for an example of the recovery position, so I got to be the victim and pushed around by 2 guys in my class. For some reason that is funny to me. But I'm crazy so...

I know tetanus has to be redone every 10 years, but didn't see anything on MMR and if that ever needs to be given again, or if once is enough- so I wrote the teacher, and once is enough. CPR? Check. Negative PPD? Check. MMR? Check. Waiver for Hep B? Check. Oh yeah baby. Count me in on the EMT course! Booyah...

This is the most strict class I know of with GPAs though- you have to have an 80% to pass, which is an excellent thing because really, you want people to know what they're doing, and restricting it by grades apparently helps. The instructor is totally cool too, and I can't wait for Wednesday night to learn more.

Which helps right now because I'm waiting for Tuesday too.. LOL yeah. Anwyay

Mom wrote me today and her CA125 is down to 11 now. Not a big drop from the last 14, but still a drop. I'm excited right now.

So.. My roomate had me talking to her manager about a job as a clerk at the pharmacy, but I thought about it more this weekend, and really can't take the cut they want me to take right now. Shelby said she'd love to have me work there because it would help her out and she knows I'd work my butt off like she does, but she doesn't want me to hate it and she really thinks I will. I totally trust and value her opinion (that seems like I spelt it wrong) so will call the manager tomorrow when she's in the pharmacy to let her know I don't think its going to work. Shelby said they haven't been looking at anyone else. So I feel bad, but I'm more valuable and shouldn't take a cut in pay. In fact, I should be looking for more if anything. We'll see how that goes.

Its pouring outside. I love it. I want to sit under a tin roof and just listen to the rain with a good book and glass of Chardonnay.... hmmmm....

Yes that's a good idea.. But it will have to wait until after tonight. I'm going to dinner with my friend Jaime, after we stop by Sierra so she can pay her bills and I can get scantrons for my EMT test... And... I'm kind of hoping I run into someone, but I'm not going looking.

I should be eating my lunch right now, but I feel like talking. You ever feel like no one talks to you? Sometimes I come home and am really talkative, but neither of my roomates are, so I go into my room and chill... Trying to give them space ya know? Shelby and I had a talk about that last night, they were apparently worried I was mad at them. HAH! Yeah right. My foot. I'm mad at them like I hate Neil. (um.. In case you haven't been paying attention both of those couldn't be farther from the truth.)

Speaking of Neil. I went up to his house this weekend and got my hope chest and a couple of other things. Now I don't have room in my room for my hamper... Might have to re-arrange things again. But not yet. I was totally fine until someone close to both of us said she's having a hard time with us not being together... That hurt. I have been doing a lot better, great actually unless I really sit and think about it. But to have someone we both love look me in the eye and say she can't believe its over, brought me down a little bit last night.

So I took my dad's truck back to his house, and forgot the things I was going to do before I gave it back to him- clean the flower petals out, and leave the truck how he gave it to me. Including gas... He said he didn't care, but I feel like an arse. He said he wants to help me out, and I keep telling him he has. I'm glad that he cares right now though, because I know if worse comes to worse I can go to him, and he'll help me out with whatever he can. My dad really is becoming more and more awesome.

Anyway. I'm off to go daydream and watch time hopefully fly by so I can go play with clay tomorrow night... Finish the project I'm working on as soon as I can. haha...

So I've decided...

That throughout the rest of my life I will be learning the lesson of patience. And I hate it.

No matter what I do, I'm still waiting for something I would rather have right now... At this moment, I know its a good thing, but that doesn't mean I like it any better. It just never seems to end.

I'm going to go read my book, and drink a glass of wine so I can wind down and hopefully get some blasted sleep tonight.

Optimistically satisfied.

So, I think this year is off to a good start, and some wonderful things are going to happen this year to make it end great. I'm excited. Yes, Neil and I broke up, but I can only see that as a good thing, whether we get back together later or not. If he doesn't feel right with me, then we shouldn't be together. I know God has something great planned for me, even though I don't know what it is or when its going to happen. I trust that what He has in store is right, whether its Neil, someone else, or no one at all. Life goes on.
My roomates and I are all already thinking about resigning the lease on the apartment in the spring/early summer, and are looking forward to being together another year. They're not my best friends (and they don't need to be), but I do love them both. School this semester will be rough- Ceramics fun and therapeutic, but the EMT class will be tough. I look forward to it though, to the challenges and experiences it will bring.
My mom's cancer is fading farther and farther, and her chances of remission are down to 15% from 25%. She might even be back to work by this summer! Which is fantastic.
I'm optimistic. I'm working, going to school, love my family and friends, and yeah, while I'm sorry Neil and I had to go our separate ways, and I can't imagine anyone better than him, I know that I will find someone, eventually. I'm young, I'm happy, I'm living and loving it. I know I'm on the right track, and that's what really counts right now. I'm happy with me. I'm sorry Neil hasn't seen that, but maybe he'll come around. If he doesn't, someone else will. Now, on to call my dad and see if I can borrow his truck this weekend to go get my hope chest from Neil's. If I can't, then I'm heading to the bay area this weekend to see my cousin Amanda.
Gotta go!

What? Its Monday already?

How was your weekend? Mine was interesting. Friday night started well, I went out to dinner with a friend, and was going to go to her house and spend the night, have a nice long chat, but we ran into the guy she’s kind of dating when we stopped at the store on the way, and found out he lied about his plans that night, and she decided she wasn’t up for a girl’s night in. I went home, felt crappy and ditched, and my roommates were walking out the door. I could have gone with them, but would have felt worse if I asked if it was okay to go, though I had an unspoken open invitation, and they didn’t ask me to come. So, I cried, got on my computer, and couldn’t tell you what until I woke up at noon on Saturday. Which was perfect because the birthday party started at two! I felt rested, and had a great time at the party. It was even better being in a house I am comfortable in.

Sunday, I went back to the pharmacy Shelby works at and met with the pharmacy manager again, about a clerk position. The only problem is that I would make a lot less- anywhere I go I’ll already be taking a pay cut without having the on call time, and the pharmacy wouldn’t be able to pay me nearly as much, and I think I can find a higher paying job elsewhere. But, I’m not quite ruling it out yet.

I was telling my mom today that I’ve had a couple of people mention that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and I’ve told each of them that I love myself, I just am insecure sometimes about whether or not other people like me too. In those down times, all of the love in the world doesn’t seem to make a big difference when the one person I’m trying to reach won’t even answer my calls. Luckily, it quickly washes away, and I’m only drowning for an hour or three. Usually, I’m quite content with the wonderful friends and family I do have. But those times when I really want to be with so and so, (Neil or someone else) and that person can’t be with me, sometimes I can’t keep my brain in the right perspective. I am getting better though. Being around positive friends and family certainly helps.

The Steelers beat the Broncos this weekend! Yes! Now it’s the Steelers vs. the Seahawks for the Superbowl! I can’t wait! I was hoping by then Neil and I can watch it with some friends, but it sounds like he won’t be around that weekend. And, its probably best that we don’t start hanging out again as soon as I would like to. Hopefully, our friend Adam doesn’t have anything planned, it would be cool to watch it with him, but I’m thinking about seeing what Dad is doing instead- Dad is a Steelers fan, and it would be nice to watch it with him somewhere. Or, I could go up to Chico for the weekend and watch it with my friend Catalina. I might do that. Hopefully by then our friend Jackie has had her baby ( She was due the 14th of this month!) and I’ll be able to see baby Micah too.

I re-arranged my room yesterday, and I must say I think I like it. I might even take some pictures to post before I mess it all up again! Kind of nice to change the things I can control, you know? And, I’ve wanted to do it for the last two months… My roommates both think it looks bigger. So far, the only thing I don’t like is that my head is below the heater vent. We have 9’ ceilings, so its not like the vent is RIGHT above my head… I am going to look tonight to see if I can re-direct it somehow…

Am I rambling? I think I am. Oh well. I need to go anyway. I’m sure I’ll ramble on later (today or another day…)

What a day...

So… I’m sitting here thinking about Neil and it hits me, I know someone else who let a good thing go to waste about 10 years ago, and that person is now really sorry. Each time I see that person, I see in his/her eyes the pain because there is no going back, like he/she wishes there were. If faced with the situation today, the person would not have done what was done. I know how that is. Each day, I love Neil more and more, as I did when we were together. This time, its somewhat different. I’m more appreciative, and admire him more as a person. No matter how right it is now, I would hate for Neil to regret this later. But I’m not worrying about that. What’s done is done, and I’m moving on. I don’t like it, but I like the possibilities it brings forth. I am growing stronger daily, and while not every day is as good as the next (or the last, for that matter), I know I will be stronger tomorrow too.

Neil was working across the street today (which I didn’t know until later) and actually e mailed me, and I reminded him that I have some of his stuff in my car for him. Come and get it whenever you want. I thought he would. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m not giving him a time. But part of me honestly thinks he wants nothing to do with me, and that really hurts. Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that horrible that he can’t face me for five seconds to get his stuff? What did I do wrong? How much more time does he need before he’s comfortable being friends? I was fine until I saw that he had left already, because until then I thought he might come and get it. Now, he’s not there, so didn’t come get it, and I can’t take it to him. My solution? Clean my room to make room for the hope chest and piece of ceramic that I have left up at his house, so I can borrow my dad’s truck, go get my stuff, and drop his off. I'm not leaving a vulnerability open for my heart to have an excuse to see him. Clearer- I'm giving his stuff back to him as soon as I can on my own, so that I no longer hold on to it waiting for him to come by, and when he doesn't don't get upset because if and when he is ready to see me again, I want it to be on his own, when he's ready, when we're both ready. If I sit here with his stuff, every day I come to work I'll wonder when he's going to stop by to get it. Because he won't come until he's ready. I'm not going to wait, and torture myself by waiting. I'm going to get it back to him when I can, and not count on anything but what I need to do myself.

He’s made his decision. Its his loss. Yesterday, I interviewed at a staffing agency (really, was more like skills tested) and it was the second time I had to schedule the appointment. Initially, I was supposed to go in the day Neil and I broke up, but I couldn’t keep myself together. The lady called to check in, and I was crying, so we agreed to re-schedule. Yesterday she asked if I lost a family member, and I told her no, my boyfriend. She said, his loss, you’re an incredible, beautiful young lady.

I am. That’s me. I’m smart, beautiful, and I know it. I have confidence, and I’m damn proud of it. I’m not afraid to go somewhere by myself, of course, I’d rather go with people, but I’m used to doing things by myself, and kind of like it sometimes. Except right now, when usually I really just want to be around people. I have a lot of friends who don’t think they’re beautiful, and argue when I tell them they are. I'm not a model, would never want to be, but I also don't need to be.

Well, one of my friends actually called me and actually (now this is the really amazing part) wants to get together for dinner tonight, so I'm going to go meet her. Just when I thought I was going home alone again to cook fish and stink up the apartment for my roomates... hehehe

Ouch...

I hadn't talked to Neil since last Tuesday. Today, he finally e mailed me about a computer question I had asked. We wrote back and forth a couple of times, and I realized how greatly I just want to go back to normal. I don't want to feel this weirdness between us. I'm doing as good as I can with not approaching him, but it kills me not to talk to him. All I want is just to talk every now and then, and not feel like he's forcing himself. I guess more time needs to pass, but I am the least patient person I know, and this really hurts.

I talked my Ceramics teacher into letting me work on the project I have in mind, and am excited to start working on it. Hopefully I can have it finished by the end of the semester, but I'm definitely going to have to put in extra hours.

And Brenda, thanks for giving Amanda my e mail. I like talking to her, and am looking forward to going out there next chance I get!

Anyway. I'm going to take a walk and hopefully clear my mind.

I love this man...

No, I'm not talking about Neil.

I'm talking about Paul Wright.

I've posted his lyrics before, and tonight he posted a new song that hits the nail on the head.

Sky Falling Down*written by P. Wrightshe just broke with her boyfriend I can tell deep down she’s hurting as she tries to hide away but i can read her like an open book when she lets me take a closer look ladi da ladi day / She’s tellin me that it’s over tellin me that it’s over but she’s not over him she’s tellin me to come over tellin me to come over but she’s in over her head she’s tellin me all she wants is tellin me all she wants is to hang out with some friends but when she is not with him when she is not with him all she wants is him the sky is falling down her sky is falling down on top of the world but her sky is falling down / and she cries and she cries and she cries and she does not know why deep inside deep inside she sighs why oh why oh why this got to happen to me? everything was fine and then reality / chorus / and you know that it’s not over over when she says that it’s over over deep inside she knows it’s not over over yea deep inside deep insdie you can hear her cry and i don’t why you can hear her sigh why oh why oh why she wonders why she can’t get over him

check it out http://www.myspace.com/paulwright

That doesn't really help...

My sister in law just called. She and my brother are getting a divorce. Knowing that I’m not the only one right now going through this type of a loss (though hers is probably much more painful, they were together longer and were actually married) does not help me any. It does not surprise me, that brother is not exactly the most talkative and once his mind is set on something, he doesn’t budge. I feel somewhat bad for both of them, but at the same time I know that this is best for them both. Saying I saw it coming doesn’t sound right, but … I think it will be really good for her, and she will be happier without him. He’s not a bad guy, but… I think you might have to understand him to know what I’m talking about. I just know that I’m relieved for her not to have to work hard on a marriage that is one sided. And I’m proud of him for finally saying it. I can’t see Bryce as really being remorseful over this. I can see this as being a great relief and excellent precursor to wonderful things in her life.

The difference is that she was happy, and he is a wall, and Neil and I were both happy together. He just wasn’t sure enough to keep going. Hopefully, that will change, but again, I’m not counting on it. Bryce is a great gal, and I know she will be fine. I am sorry to see their marraige end. I know I will be fine too, but its not as easy for me to see. Sometimes, I come really close to losing my will to live. Honestly. But I do count my blessings daily. And even more honestly, losing Neil is only going to make me count more blessings. Losing someone extremely important to me does that. When Tawnya died, I moved back to Cali to be closer to my grandparents. I got to spend more time with my grandpa before he died, and I will always treasure that. I’ve been able to spend more time with both of my grandmas too, but now one has moved up to Oregon and lives 6 blocks from my old house! Sheesh…

I was glad that my grandpa got to meet Neil, and liked him. I was always sorry that he didn’t get to meet Grandpa Neckels, because I think they would have really liked each other. I’m sorry now that most likely the man I marry won’t have met either of my grandpas, and that is a bummer… Before Grandpa Neckels died, he promised he would be at my wedding, and my 50th anniversary. I was looking forward to that, though I know the latter especially was not going to be a reality. He’s with me in my heart though, and always will be.

I look forward to being as great to my grandchildren as my grandparents have been to me. And, I’m hoping when that time is right, that my kids will love their grandparents like I’ve loved mine…

Someday…. One can always dream.

Wow...

Loud music really does something to me. I came home in a horribly depressed mood, and now am feeling quite chipper. Actually, part of it is guessing where Brenda's pictures were taken, and I was right for once.. LOL Well, at least I got the state. Anyway. I blew the surprise I had for my mom- I'm hoping I can afford to fly out for her birthday. But! I'm hoping even more that I can afford to take us both to a day spa and pamper ourselves. We need it...

Hmm.. I'm off to go write my ceramics teacher and request being allowed to work on the project I've had in mind for quite some time. Morbid, but my ideas when I'm depressed usually are...

well well well

Okay... I've gotten past waking up every morning and crying, now I need to get past the afternoon doldrums. It seems like each afternoon, especially at work, It all just comes crashing down and all I can think about is him. I can't stand not talking to him, but am waiting for him to make the move and call me. While I'm not counting on him calling me, or ever wanting me back, I am trying to keep in mind that if that is ever going to happen, doing the opposite of what he has asked and what I do truly need to do for myself, is not going to help any or make it happen faster. I don't want to go a week without talking to him at all. I hate it. I will take being friends if that's all I can get, though I understand why that can't happen now. I wouldn't be able to handle it. No matter what I do he's all I want to be with. I'm on call this coming weekend, so can't go out of town, but am going to try to keep busy in one way or another. There's a birthday party on Saturday I will go early to to help set up, and stay late at to help clean after. I plan on sleeping in. There are movies I want to see. But I don't want to go alone.. That's the main thing. I went shopping by myself yesterday, and that was okay because I didn't have to worry about where anyone else wanted to go or if so and so would like this store, but I also didn't have anyone to talk to or laugh with. I hate being alone at the apartment. Everything sinks in there. Layce hasn't been feeling social lately, or at least that was her excuse the last time I actually got to talk to her. Shelby works late, has school too, and has her boyfriend. Everyone else has someone else besides me. And all I want is Neil.
For the last few months I had been meaning to get him something, and I was going to give it to him as a Valentine's day present. I ordered it the day after we broke up, or I wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about it. I wrote him a thank you letter to go with it, and am planning on giving it to him the next time I see him. Small token of my great appreciation for everything we've shared, ya know? Its just something I need to do. There are two other things I want to get him too. But that won't happen for a while, if ever. I also understand that he wants time, but I had the courtesy to pick my stuff up the Monday after we broke up. I told him last Tuesday I had a bag of his things waiting in my car, whenever he wanted to stop by and grab them- he usually works right across the freaking street! I could have given him a date, but I didn't want to be mean (I've made enough harsh/sarcastic comments) and know he will come when he's ready. But now I'm waiting for him to come get everything, not knowing when that might be (not like its in my way), and hoping every day that today is the day. I thought about dropping it off with a friend of his, or his uncle's, but that's immature, and I wouldn't want to bring anyone else in. Besides, one day he will call- its not like we'll never talk again. Waiting just has never been one of my favorite games.
I'm trying to be strong. I really am.

Its an uphill battle...

Unfortunately. *sigh* I haven't talked to Neil since Wednesday. That's hard. Not talking to your best friend? Yeah. But... Thursday night I went to Veronica's- she was Neil's foster sister for a year and half, is a few years older than either of us, and has a little(r) sister my age living with her now, who doesn't know anyone in the area. Last I had seen Veronica, I told her I'd come by when Mayra came, because I have been looking for new friends and wanted to get to know Mayra better anyway- I'd only met her once before, at Veronica's wedding. So anyway... Went over to Veronicas, cried a little, and talked a lot. I left feeling better than I had in a long time. Did I mention that Friday morning was the first morning I have woken up without crying immediately? Yay! I haven't cried again when I woke up still! It helped being around Veronica 1) because she reasssured me that I was not losing Neil and his family, I am family too and that will never change, even though Neil and my relationship has, and 2) because I had not felt as comfortable since the night we broke up until then. I went back again this weekend to watch movies, and stayed a night. I slept better last night than I have for the last two weeks. It was great. Veronica told me I look a lot stronger than I did three nights ago, and that was encouraging to hear. I feel a heck of a lot better. A lot of that is because now I am okay that Neil and I aren't together. I'm remembering that it was a mutual decision, and is really best, whether it changes in the future or not. That doens't mean I won't cry, miss him, or that it won't hurt. No matter what happens, we need out time. I'm trying to give him that, and not hope his mind changes when he's had enough time. I may lose my romantic relationship with him, but I'm not losing him as a person altogether- we'll still be friends later down the road, and I'm not losing the family I've gained through him. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade mine for anything, ANYTHING, but I'm a family kind of gal, and will take whatever extra family I can. I had just hoped I would be staring mine a little sooner! LOL Oh well. Life goes on. Some days are just harder than others.

Blah

Blah…

That’s how I’m feeling right now. In limbo ya know? Not great, not horrible, just me.

I’m wondering… Neil cancelled his Netflix subscription, and I still have one of the DVDs. He didn’t tell me he was canceling it, but I logged on (he gave me the log on info a long time ago, and hasn’t changed it) and I was curious if one of the movies we both really wanted to see came in yet. And I noticed that the DVDs we had last have a due date to be returned. So… I had told him I would watch the DVD I have and send it back when I get a chance, but that was before I saw the due date. And now I’m wondering if I should be nice and send it back or see if he says something. I kind of want to see if he says something, but one of the things I’ve decided is that all the things I had depended on him for before for I am going to surprise us both by taking care of myself. Most of the things I’m curious about I have e mailed him for quick help, and haven’t received any kind of response. So I’m forgetting I even asked him, and taking care of it myself. I know he’s busy and just may not have gotten to it yet, but I’m impatient and want it done.

If he is just trying to figure things out like many people suspect, and even if he isn’t, he’ll be proud of me for doing it all myself. I think he’d be impressed if I did these things without asking for help again and on my own… I’m hoping anyway…

But still, I’m trying not to let it get into my head that he might come back. I can’t. I’ve been told by people before that they’ll come back for me, and no one ever has- I would be more of a mess than I currently am if I were to expect him to come back and he never did. So I’m moving on. It would be nice, but I can’t count on it. Nor can I count on him getting in touch with me for anything anymore, so I’m not even expecting him to. Oh well. Life goes on.

As Veronica suggested last night, this is time for me to focus on me. I’m getting into better shape, working on my other issues, and becoming a better person, all for me. Doing the things I want to do (not like I didn’t anyway when I was with Neil, but now I have more time to focus on them because I am not spending every moment I can with him) and living for myself. Its hard, because I want so much to give him everything, especially now that we’re not together, there is so much I want to do for him and give him, I grow more and more thankful every day that we’re not together for all the times we spent together. I’ll always treasure those memories. And by focusing on me right now I’m preparing myself to be better in the next relationship I do get into, whomever it may be with.

I got two e mails from guys that live in my area last night on myspace… one I deleted right away, and the other I probably will delete later. I don’t mind having friends right now, but I can’t trust meeting a new guy that he doesn’t have other aspirations or motives. I can’t. I went with my friend Jaime the night before last to a “game night” at the house of a friend of her’s, and we played catch phrase. I was sitting next to a guy from the other team, (it was guys against girls) and I got my team to guess a couple of really hard phrases. Each time, he complimented me and said I was really good. And for the first time in a while, I couldn’t accept the compliment, so I kind of said Thanks quietly, and ignored it. Thinking about it now I still feel like “yeah what does he know” sarcastic.

One of my roommates suggested something totally out of line- Neil and my friend Adam came over to hang out Wednesday night, and before he got there one of the girls suggested I have rebound sex with him! Yikes. No way. Adam is more like a brother to me than anything else, not to mention Neil’s best friend for 10+ years! Not to mention sex is the last thing I want or need right now. Ugh… Lets just say I don’t exactly subscribe to the modern views regarding sex… So moving on…

Did I mention this is the first morning I have woken up without crying? I even tried to cry, but just feel at peace with this now. God knows I still miss Neil, that I can’t see ever changing, but what can I do about it- nothing, but focus on myself and what is right for me right now.

I’ve mentioned that one of the things that’s helping me is to blare music while I’m driving. I’ve been playing a CD from a guy I knew up in Oregon for the last week, and I’m including the lyrics to the song that really keeps me going below… If you’d like to hear it, go to http://www.myspace.com/jdreaminn and you can hear it on my profile there.

Fly Away
Written by Paul Wright* May 16, 2002 Eugene, OR IntroShe’s got dreams dreams that he’s got thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo fly away 2xVerse oneShe looks out her windowWatching people as they pass on bySome of them want to come insideMan oh man one on one I wonder which one will she trustCuz some men only lustAnd she wants a man who can understandWhat a woman wants and if he can appreciate her and not deface herAnd she wants a king with a diamond ringNot some prince charming who’s gonna steal everything that he gave herYeaChorusShe’s got to fly away (uh 1-2, uh 1-2, uh 1-2)I watch her walk next to you but soonShe’s got to get away (oh that’s true, oh that’s true, oh that’s true)I hope her dreams do come trueCuz she is a butterflySpreadin spreadin spreadin spreadin Spreading her wings(She’s beautiful, she’s beautiful, she’s beautiful)
BridgeAnd she wants a family (family) she wants a lover (lover)She wants a best friend closer than any otherA man that’s true she wants a man who Can hear God’s voice and know what he is called to doShe wants a hard worker not some lazy bum But a man who knows how to get the job doneShe wants a family to be a mother and raise a child that came from herYeaChorusOutroShe’s got dreams dreams that he’s got things thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo (to to) fly away 2xShe’s got to fly away (fly away)She’s on the ground learning to fly but she’s flying nowShe’s on the ground it’s time to fly she’s gonna fly nowShe’s on the ground looking down it’s time to fly ya’ll She’s on the ground but watch her rise and fly awayShe was looking down but now she’s looking to the sky ya’llSpreading her wings to give it a try give it a try give it a tryTo fly away when the rest of the girls are on the fall ya’llShe’s spreading her wings to fly awayfly away fly away Cuz she’s got dreams dreams that he’s got things thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo (to to) fly awayVerse 2But her heart is a kingdom without a kingAnd without him she can’t singSo she waits on a watchtowerHoping praying waiting for his arrival (and all the people in the world say) and then they’llChorus

Honestly. Paul is awesome. And I don’t think I’d be where I am today without the music he makes…

Okay.. back to work… But first, what’s for lunch!!???

Wow...

I think this is the first good day I think I can say I have had since Neil and I broke up. Yeah, I shed some tears- this morning some of those tears woke one of my roomates up. But I think my system of shower bawling and the two page letter I wrote in the notebook this morning helped. Finally.

I had a major headache this morning so I took some excedrin, and I think part of today being a better day might have been the caffiene. See, I haven't exactly been sleeping that well.

And I am proud to say I think I have lost weight... When I was at Mom's I think I had lost ten pounds. I might have only lost one or two between now and then, but as a test I put on a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a while. Let me tell you they slid on a lot easier than they did the last time I wore them, and that is awesome.

The bad thing about losing weight is that now the pants I bought 2 months ago that were big now really are way too big... And hopefully they'll only be getting bigger. Yesterday before I went to dinner with my friend Jaime I stopped in the little gym they have in the rental office here. And I'm hoping to start working out once on the weekends, and twice a week. Gotta get into shape if I'm going to be lifting people off the floor or onto gurneys! And, its something I've been meaning to do for quite a while.

Don't worry, I'm not losing weight because I'm not eating. I am having to force myself to eat, but I am eating. Not as much as usual, but I also don't burn that many calories sitting at a desk all day.

I said a prayer on the way home tonight because a lot of people are telling me they think Neil will come around. God I hope so, but I'm sure as heck not counting on it. I've had people promise me before that they would come back for me, and no one ever has. I can't count on Neil coming back, especially since he's not counting on it, or I would be setting myself up for an even bigger heartbreak than I'm dealing with now. But after hearing it from so many people who know both of us (especially him) well, its harder not to hope for it a little more. So I prayed for God not to let that idea take heart in me, and to help prepare me for whatever it may be that my future holds...

But I have been reassured that one of my fears is not coming true- at least not yet. So far, the people in Neil's family I have talked to are extremely supportive and still want to be around me. I know Neil and I didn't end fighting, but I was paraniod that his mom especially would stop talking to me, and that is one of the last things I want. I can't thank her enough for all she's done for me, and for Neil and I. Neil's family is family to me too now. And neither his mom or his sister (foster sister really... but we all just leave the foster part out) Veronica will act or say otherwise. In fact, I went over to Veronica's house tonight after work (she lives maybe 5 minutes away) and it was as if nothing had changed at all, except the topic of discussion. Veronica's little sister Myra is living with her now, and Myra is not only my age, but doesn't really know anyone else in the area. I had told Veronica the last time I saw her that I'd like to spend more time with Myra and gain a new friend, and I planned on following up on that. It was great! There was no negativity (which I have been getting a bit of and certainly don't need any more of!), only support, love and listening. I cried, we talked, I felt better, and we laughed. Veronica even complimented me, saying that I am on the right track, its just going to take some time. When I left, Myra apologized, saying she was sorry she couldn't give me more advice and didn't really know what to do- I told her as I've told everone else with the same sort of comment- doing as you're doing and listening and being positive is more than I can ask for. Really it is. I know that if Neil and I are meant to be it will happen, but now is not the time. I know that if we aren't meant to be, then this is the best time to figure out what I am meant to be, where I am meant to be, and who I am meant to be. Granted, a lot of that is already figured out, but I don't plan on ever stopping learning. Ever. I'll be a 90 year old grandma and still want to take classes in something!

So... I'm trying to plan a trip to the Bay Area. It probably won't be a long trip, possibly the weekend after next. No, Neil's mom will be in town that weekend, and I promised her I'd help her babysit. (Okay, I know right here and now a couple of people are going to want to say I should distance myself from his family right now too- but I can't lose my best friend and a surrogate family in the same shot right now, and after being at Veronica's house tonight and feeling comfortable again for a few short hours, I only feel better.) I have two cousins out that way, one whom I haven't seen since last Christmas, the other since... Goodness I don't even remember how old I was, I think she said she was four or five. I'm also hoping to go see Neil's dad and have dinner or something with he and his wife. I've been wanting to go see them for quite a while, but it never seemed to get planned. Hmm... I really want to go see the cousins especially... And the drive will warm me up for the next time I go to Oregon. That's a long drive...

Yep. Today was the best day I've had in a while. Something I'm doing is working, and I'm glad. I'd like to sleep normally, eat normally, feel normally, and wake up without immediately crying again.

No one wants to hear it...

How fitting as I log on to post this today, for Toni Braxton's song Unbreak my Heart to play on the radio. What's next? Breathe Again or Toni Rich and Nobody Knows... Sheesh...


I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. I purposely avoid them because I get motion sickness. And emotional roller coasters are even worse.
I’m constantly floating between bitter and slightly angry (though not towards any one person) and overwhelmingly depressed. I can try to stay busy, but that doesn’t work when I come home and try to sleep, but can’t because my mind is racing past the speed limit. I wake up in the morning slightly refreshed when my alarm rings, only to have my mind snap back and realize all over again what I’ve lost.

I know it will get better, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get through this now. No one wants to hear it anymore. No one ever did. I’m trying to get through this, not even a week later, and already everyone is sick of me. Its not like I am trying to get attention or doing this on purpose. I’m trying my hardest to maintain a positive outlook, but the truth remains that no matter what I do, I still look and feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and I have.

Monday night we had a good talk, and I felt better. Yesterday, I came crashing down again, had a friend come over after work, and took it easy. But as soon as that friend was out the door I was a mess again, and couldn’t tell you when I fell asleep. I am going out to dinner with a friend again tonight, but all I really want to do is get in my car and drive, with my music blasting. Drive, sing, and get over it.

Since we have Monday off for the holiday, I might go back up to Chico for the weekend, or head to the bay area to see a couple of cousins. I’d like to go see Neil’s dad again too, but this is not the time for that. Saturday I clean a house, so I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere until that night, or Sunday morning. All I know is that this is a horrible time for me to be alone.

And the one person who could fix it cannot without doing either of us wrong.

People say it gets easier, but its not easier yet. People say I’ll be okay, but I’m not yet. People say I’ll find someone else, and while I can’t imagine anyone better than Neil, I know if this is happening he has to be out there. But I can’t be okay with that without being okay with this.

The storm of heartbreak that follows such
Splendidly bright sunshine
Leaves me drowning in tears that seem to have no end
What little peace my heart does find
All too often is quickly washed away again

Struggling...

Everyone, including myself, has told me that this will pass, I will get over it, and eventually find someone who is even better than Neil. While I can't imagine anything better than him, I have to believe that, because why else would this be happening.

But I had a really hard time yesterday, and this morning woke up bawling yet again. Its hard having your best friend and the man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with tell you that you need time apart and he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I'm going crazy inside. Everything else that I have is well overshadowed by this, and all I want is for this to be over. I want the pain to stop. I want the tears to stop. I want the love back.

Before Wednesday night when this whole thing started, I had nothing to fear. My plans were set, even if I didn't know exactly what some of the pieces were. I had Neil, and that was enough. Now, it seems all the promises not happening now are too much for me to handle. I know things will get better, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I can't focus, and I can be a blubbering idiot. Most of the time I feel like if I can't have him, what's the point of anything. Having someone who was such a huge part of my life and my plans stripped from me without warning is putting me back in a place I have not been for a really long time, and a place I do not want to be in.

I can't stand this. The encouragement isn't touching me, and I can't stop missing him. Just talking to him... And I can't even do that.

I'm running late for work. Hopefully I can keep it together there today...

All things considered

Yankee Gray came out with a song a few years ago that I really loved. "All things considered" Fits for me right now, and this is why...
"

All things considered I'm doin' just fine even though
You left a hole the size of texas deep inside of my heart
The way I feel I should be losing my mind
But all things considered
I'm doin' just fine

Woke up this morning to the sound of you slammin' the door
I got served a piece of paper for breakfast that said
You don't live here no more
And the dog won't let me pet him, he just lays around
And growls at my feet
And the paper boy forgot me again
I should have stayed in bed asleep

All things considered I'm doin' just fine even though
You left a hole the size of texas deep inside of my heart
The way I feel I should be losing my mind
But all things considered
I'm doin' just fine

Well my car broke down again right before it ran out of gas
Yeah my boss is still ringing in my head
One more time and your out on your...yeah
Well I cant wait till that five o clock whistle blows
So I can sit in traffic all day
And end up going home alone"


Okay, so some of it doesn't fit- I don't have a dog, and Neil and I didn't live together and I didn't get a piece of paper and I was the one who slammed the door (then sped up the driveway and to my dad's house).... But a) All things considered, I am doing just fine and b) its a really upbeat song. LOL

Its amazing what a deep breath will do too. Between last night and tonight, I think I've made major progress. And its nice to cry less and less every day. But back to the progress. I've stopped thinking about how sad I am, because every time I get sad I try instead to focus on the thought that if Neil and I aren't meant to be together, then there's got to be someone else out there better than him. While I can't imagine it now, there has to be. Which is something to look forward to. And every time I miss him I am turning intead to thanks. I'm so thankful that we got to do this, or go here, or , or, or. We're not ending on bad terms, we agree we would like to be friends, but need time apart right now before we can get to the point we can be friends. We still talk if we need to, and its not that we hate each other. And I just forgot what I was going to say. Oh. While I hate knowing that he's hurting too, it helps to know that he is sad, because I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart. I wish it didn't hurt for either of us, but its kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one who's missing something, that he does still care, and its not the end of the world because we will both be okay, and we will be friends and still have good times together. Eventually.

I sent his mom a thank you card Friday. I didn't tell her we had broken up, but I wanted to thank her for everything that she's done for me, Neil or both of us together, and all the time we've spent. I am not on bad terms with Neil, I don't want to be with any of his family either. And I do understand that we might never talk again, but that's exactly why I wanted to thank her why I could. She e mailed me back, is sorry, and wants to get together when she comes into town next. Which also made me feel better- even if we don't end up going out to lunch or dinner together, whatever, she responded, and doesn't want to never hear from me again. I love that, because I do feel like I'm losing Neil's family too, and its hard for after this long (even though three years is not that long in the whole scheme of things) to just suddenly have it end and never talk to them again you know?

I'm rambling. And, I don't feel like I am making much sense. But aside from being thankful, one of the other things I am working on doing, is just letting go... I'll think of something and say to myself "I'm letting go of this..." and naming something, then taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly... I'm not perfect but all of this helps me keep the positive outlook I need to to get through this and not wallow in the pain. I can't allow myself to do that at all, and so far this is working for me. Good enough for now.

Anyway. Its fairly late. I'm tired. Not sure how well I will sleep, but would like to find out.

How?

How does one get used to the idea that everything she has dreamed of and once thought she had is gone?
How does one let go of all those broken dreams?
How does one go on without making a fool of herself every day?

I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I am still a mess. Neil was so much a part of me, and now that he is gone I ...


Can you tell I'm having a really hard time with this? I mean, three months shy of three years, everything was going great and now...

I know I'm young, and things will change, I might find someone, but thinking about that doesn't help me at all right now. Right now I'm just trying to get used to the idea that I've lost my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and everything that that entailed. I'm so overwhelmed by that right now I can't get to anything else. This huge chunk of my heart has been ripped out and I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone that cares about me is really far away, and I'm lost.

Newest member of the Broken Heart Club...

Last night my worst fears came true. Neil and I broke up. There's nothing I can do or say, he just realized that I'm not what he's always dreamed of marrying. Which is really hard, because while I am young and sure, he may not be the one for me, everything I had currently planned for my future included him. I can't picture my future without him in it. The hardest part is that he still loves me, and is in love with me. He just knows that I was only in the relationship because I saw it going to marriage, eventually, and he can't promise me that. As well as he can see it, he can't see us ever getting married at all.
One of the people I've told can't believe that its true. Trust me, I can't either. She said that he'll come around after a little while, and realize that I am what he wants. I can't quite agree with that. Neil doesn't do things without thinking them through thoroughly. If he's made this decision and acted upon it, then its most likely final.

Its just ironic, because this is the second time in my life a wonderful thing has happened the same day a horrible thing has happened. Horrible as in life changing. The first time, my nephew Jaden was born, and they took my best friend off life support. This time, yesterday, we found out my mom's CA125 levels are FINALLY below normal- they are half of what the last test was! That means she will only have two more chemo treatments and she's done. She'll have to go in every month for a while and have the levels checked, but two more treatments only! Hopefully, she'll be back to work late spring/early summer. That is such fantastic news, I hate for it to be overshaddowed by this loss...

I can't stop thinking about him. Its really hard not to call him, but I'm working on not calling him unless I absolutely need something. We agreed to still be friends, but I am not sure I can see that happening. I don't think I'll be able to handle being around him at all. At least for a while.

His mom is coming out at the end of the month... I'd like so much for things to go back to normal and the three of us to go do something together... His family has become family to me, and it hurts that I'm now losing them too. I sent his mom a thank you card for everything that she's done for me, but I don't know when she'll find out that we aren't together anymore. I'm not sure that she'll want anything to do with me now, but that's the least of my worries.

I can't stand seeing anything that belongs to him. I can't stand listening to anything we listned to, or any songs on the radio that even mention love. I can't stand knowing that the cement that holds his mailbox in will always say Jamie + Neil = Love forever. I can't stand knowing that every thing I had planned for us will never happen. Everything in his life I wanted to be by his side for, I will never be. I can't stand the thought of either of us being with anyone else. I can't stand the reality that I've once again, lost a best friend.

I'm falling apart, and need to get out of town. I'm heading up to Chico for the weekend to be with some friends. It just stinks because once again, I no longer have that one person I always go to when something is wrong, and I've been having enough trouble finding people to spend time with as it is. Everything has just been thrown out the window...

I can't stop crying, and can't completely let the crying come out... My head hurts...


Anyway. I hope you all have a better weekend than I will. All I can say is I'm going to do the best I can do.

Today... Might possibly be the worst day of my life.

So far. Yes I know its not even 7 am. I spent half of last night crying, unable to sleep. Neil has come to some conclusions, and we need to talk. The possibility of him breaking up with me is tearing my heart. I don't know what I will do. This whole time I have looked at him as if I were looking upon the man I will marry. Granted, I have never expected or believed the whole marraige thing will happen for a few more years- I know that I won't be ready for quite a while. But it seems he doesn't feel the same way about me, and all of his reasons are goals that I have set for myself to accomplish. He admits that if and when I can reach the goals, for myself, to make myself a better person and be happier, again, for myself, he might feel differently. But as it stands at this moment, he doesn't see that happening...

I can't stand this... I won't know until tonight what he wants to do. He's going to come for lunch, but we won't talk about it during the day. I don't know how I'm going to handle that. It kills me to think that I am going to lose him... Losing him will definitely help me push my job search forward- I don't think I could handle working that close to him- he's right across the street. For a while, I'll be avoiding everything that reminds me with him. At least, until I can come to peace with what is happening.

God give me the strength to get through this...

And again... Finally.

Yep. That's right. I finally got off my duff and posted pictures from Christmas too! Hah! How do you like that?


Riley couldn't wait to eat!


Ben and Keilani at the candlelight service Christmas Eve


My niece Miranda


Alyssa in front of Mom's tree


The kids in front of Mom's tree


Mima and Jaden, playing with Jaden's new puppy.


Grandma gave Mom this calendar... Brenda do you recognize the tree?


Jaden with a silly smile.


Riley on the swing...


Ben, the kids and I on Christmas

You asked for it....

Okay, maybe you didn't. But hey, I'm finally getting around to posting my pictures, so please don't complain. Below, you'll find the pictures from my fantastic weekend in Indianapolis for my 21st birthday, and the Chargers vs. Colts game. What a fantastic game! Okay, so I went in Chargers colors and spirits, and walked out of the dome with a huge smile because they won, but I won't say the Colts aren't a good team. In fact, they're a great team. And I'm not loyal to any one football team. I actually prefer four, and the Colts are one of them. Just don't tell Neil's grandma! She'd never talk to me again.

If you look carefully, you can see the ball. I thought this was going to be an interception, but it was far from it.


Peyton at the line, getting ready to throw


Drew Brees ready to throw


Peyton at the line.


Peyton calling a play.


Peyton throws the ball... This one's a little blurry...


Drew at the line, again


Nate Kaeding kicks a field goal... Oh yeah... :D


Neil and I at the game.


Neil's cousin Jonathan, brother Ray, Grandma, himself and I, celebrating after the game.

I ended up with almost 400 shots from mostly the game. These are just a few of my favorite. And, a few of the clearest. Unfortunately, some of the time I didn't pay attention to use my autofocus, so a few of the best shots aren't clear! Doh!

Demoted to total slacker.

Okay. I'm sorry. I've been a bad blogger. There's been a lot going on lately, and I got really sick last week.. Okay maybe not really sick, but sicker than I've been in a long time.

I made progress tonight though- I actually have my pictures on my computer. Now I just need to post them. Hopefully that will go quickly.... LOL Its hard picking out the good ones. A lot of the ones from the fantastic game are blurry. I got some good shots though. But there are a lot more that would be great shots if they weren't blurry! Darn that beer making me not hit the button fast enough to get the autofocus to work. Yes I got a little buzzed at the game, but I didn't get drunk. That came later. In the hotel. Where I was not surrounded by Colts fans and wearing a Chargers jersey. Okay, I was still wearing the Chargers jersey, but it was mandatory. I wore LaDanian Tomlinson's #21, and I had turned 21! What better jersey to wear.

Great news came last weekend- my mom's lymph node was negative! Hooray! But she's going to have a little more chemo than we planned initially. Which completely stinks. This week, she has another test. After that test, we'll hopefully know the game plan from here- more of the same chemo, or start another 6 treatments of a different combination... *sigh* if only I could snap my fingers and my mom wouldn't have to have ANY more chemo and could do what she wants, which is go back to work already! Sheesh. It was great meeting her doc. And greater spending Christmas time with her. And Ben. And his wife and kids.

*sigh* If only we could have a big family Christmas again. Like it was in the old days. But the old days have come and gone haven't they? I'm just glad I'm young enough to remember the good ol' days, but old enough to know to appreciate them! hahahaa... How's that sound.

Okay, I'm rambling. Again. and I'm tired. So, I'm going to bed. Night!