So... There's this guy...

Last weekend, I posted something on my other blog, out of aggrivation because this guy said he would call me, but hadn't, turns out he couldn't, and I got a little upset because I felt like he was leading me on. So a friend from my EMT class posted a comment about the first guy being a boy, and me needing a man. After I found out what happened, I deleted the blog, therefore deleting the comment. But between now and then, the second guy and I have talked a couple of times, established that he's supposedly a man (based soley on the fact that he said he was, meaning he would call a girl if he told her he would call her), that he wants a girlfriend, and that I wouldn't mind a man, but don't need one. Monday night, we were the only two in our lab group that wanted to get together and study- so we did. It was great. Two friends and fellow students, talking and studying. Nothing more. Wednesday night when we were leaving class, I told him to call me this weekend if he wanted to do something- whether it was studying, or just hanging out. He said he would. He hasn't. I'm laughing.

I had a great, boy-free, weekend, and find it only ironic that he said what he said and is doing the exact opposite. It just makes me laugh. Growing up with my two brothers, I am a little more comfortable around guys than I am girls, but right now it also gets awkward. Having been with Neil for as long as I was, I was always cautious not to give the wrong impression or cross any lines. I never thought about guys in my classes, or what we talked about, if we talked at all. Now, I cant tell if someone is being nice, or maybe likes me. On one hand, I don't care, but on the other, its always nice to have a little extra attention! And lately, feeling as great about myself as I have been, its nicer to be complimented and know that other people see what I both feel and think of myself. I've lost weight, I'm happy, and it shows. I love it.

Anyway. I'm going to go study... Need to get my "skills" down so I can ace the class- we got surprised Wednesday night and now my grade is a lot lower than I would like it to be. Hopefully, that can be fixed soon enough!

Progress...

Want and need are two very different words
That this young woman striving for independence will not confuse
Though I will say I do want what you said I need.

My heart having been broken a few times before
I hate picking myself up off of the floor,
So next time around I’ll count only on myself.

Work towards my own dreams, whatever they may be
Knowing that one day all of the pieces of this puzzle called life
Will fall into place, when the time is truly right.

Though proud of how far I have come,
I know I still have a way to go
And I look forward to the opportunities ahead.

Comfortable at last with what I have become,
Proud that the woman within me
Is finally speaking over the giddy girl

Hoping that this time I will do it right
While eager to learn, this time
I will guard my heart.

I will tread more carefully
In satisfying my insatiable appetite of curiosity
The woman once again, overruling the notion of diving right in.

Wanting the fairy tale, countless thoughts race through my mind
Silence leaving me lost in endless wonder
Patience, a never ending lesson I have yet to master

I stand tall, grateful for every lesson that I learn
Knowing that I will be even stronger tomorrow and
One day closer to fulfilling my dreams.

I take a deep breath of cool, crisp air, smile,
Close my eyes and sit back to dream a while
Looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead.

*sigh*

Question: How does one learn to love being alone when she loves to talk as much as I do?
My mind is filled with confusion right now.
All I really want right now is a friend. The ones that I have all have priorities and/or opportunities bigger than me.
Do I just need to learn to be a homebody and sit on my ass all weekend doing nothing? I don't have money to do a lot, but I love just hanging out and talking. That's all I really want. And I don't even need to talk. But having someone else around is nice.
Especially if it is someone I feel like I can make a difference with, even if it is just both of us having a great time goofing off or talking, whatever. Something, so when we part ways the person looks back and says, wow, that was cool, we need to do that again.
I'm not good with pretending I don't care. Because I do. Maybe that's my problem- I care too much. Can't spend that much time with me because you have too much else going on? I only care more, and want to help with whatever I can.
Okay so my thoughts behind that last comment go deeper than I'm letting on but...
Neil and I used to joke about having a "rewind" button, and when we couldn't see each other we would "rewind" in our minds to a time when we were together. Right now, I just want a "fast forward" button. Skip this crap and get on to a different day.
Meanwhile, I'm on to my closest comfort- although not as loud as I would like- that won't happen until I drive to class tonight- MUSIC!!!!
Today its the band Fall Out Boy
The song? Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year
"Are we growing up or just going down,
Its just a matter of time until we're all found out,
Take our tears and put them on ice,
I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light"

Have I mentioned yet that I am weird?

I am. Really I am. I like being weird; like I told my cousin Amanda, it helps keep me entertained.

One of the reasons why I say I'm weird, is becoming more apparent as the semester continues. For four wheeks, and for tests in my EMT class, I have been the first student to finish the test. Not only was I the first student, I finish a good 5-10 minutes before everyone else. Each test. And I've managed to get Bs and an A on the tests! Which is pretty darn good, considering with a standard grade scale, I actually would have As. But they offset the grades to weed out the people who can't make the cut (you are dropped if at midterm you have less than 80% in the class) . Don't know why, but they do. My point? Bs aren't good enough. I want an A! Because I should have an A! I've studied hard, but am going to study harder. I've made flashcards, my lab group meets Mondays to study together, and dang it, I don't want a B. I haven't had a B at Sierra yet. I've had 2 Cs. But the rest have been As. I'll take a B, but I want an A. I'm determined. I'm going to study and study and study until I can't study anymore.

Think about it, I'm an EMT student! this can't be a bad thing. So I want to learn as much as I possibly can, because it will be someone else's life in my hands. Especially if I go on and become a paramedic. Which I am seriously considering, over nursing. But I am not ruling anything out right now. But dang it, I want that A.

There goes that...

I wrote a post last night- thought it was going to be great. Just thought I'd check the page, and its not here! Bummer.. I'm too tired to remember what I wrote, so I'm going to turn back around and study for my EMT test tonight. And wait for Class tomorrow night. :D

Hmm

I dressed up today. I did everything for myself today. I was late to work so I could get myself a yummy breakfast burrito, I went out to lunch with a friend, took Bryce to dinner, walked in late to class and got to see someone kinda go gaga... Oh that was nice. I feel great, I've lost weight and think I'm getting back to looking great, and it was nice to see that kind of a reaction. And then to have a more advanced student compliment my work! Wow. Somewhere along the lines, a guy at my table thought I said I was going on a hot date, so we had a good laugh cause I didn't! Hahah.. That's why I'm sitting here writing you. Well, that and I'm not tired enough to go to bed yet.
Supposedly, Ben was supposed to be promoted tonight, but Mom was tired and didn't answer the phone, so I left her a message. She had chemo today too, the poor thing. She sounded so tired when I called her to tell her Happy Valentine's day. I like knowing that she will be through with it all soon!
Anyway. I'm going to follow suit of my wonderful cousin Brenda, and leave you with some of my newly favorite lyrics. Fall Out Boy is the band, "Grand Theft Autumn/Where is your Boy?" is the song... I tell you, I listen to a lot of different music. Fall Out Boy is one of my new favorite bands.

Where is your boy tonight,
I hope he is a gentleman,
Maybe he won't find out what I know;
That you were the last good thing about this part of town.

I forgot...

So I had this great post idea, and now I've forgotten what I was going to write about...

I hate it when that happens.

Ah hah! I'm kid crazy. The last few days, I want to be around kids. I want to play with them, hold them (babies.. ah....) and just be around them. Every kid I see at the mall, store, wherever I am, I want to play with. I called my friend Adam to see if he had his kids this weekend, and wanted to do something, but he hasn't called me back, and now the weekend is almost over... Hopefully I can see him soon- he's the only friend I have with kids!

My best friend Beth's older sister Jackie had her baby boy THursday night, and hopefully I'll see him when I go to Chico next weekend, but I need to get my oil changed first.

Which will be expensive- and I don't even know where to go. Neil had been putting synthetic oil in my car, and I've been told once you start using that, you're not supposed to go back to regular- it can mess your engine up? Ugh.. I'm anxious to get my taxes done and get my return though- because I want to put that money into work on my car...

Anyway. I'm going to go watch a movie and distract myself, hopefully fall asleep and wake up to go do "skills" tomorrow for my EMT class. I get to learn to take vitals etc. Yay! I'm so excited.

Oh and did I mention Wednesday night I got the highest score I've had in that class so far? And the test covered the most material we've had so far... Yay for me.

LOL Now I have to beat that score!

That darn brain of mine...

I decided I was born with an active mind.

You might think this is a good thing, but right now I'm hating it.

Why? Because I can't stop thinking. And right now, I really really need to before I drive myself crazy.

You ever think of something you want/need to say to someone, and you can't stop thinking about it until you do? Yeah. That's happening to me every day. Multiple times a day. I can't get over it. So I turn my phone off. Gets better, but still drives me crazy. I listen to music, I vent to my friends, and nothing. My mind still runs ragged.

Don't shoot me- I'm dating someone. Now before you start saying its way too soon- know this- he's a really busy guy- I mean really busy. Which is perfect. 1) I shouldn't be spending all my time with someone besides myself right now 2) because he's busy, I can't! hahaha. I've also gotten to the point where I'm giving up on working for everyone else's approval, and doing what I need to do to keep myself happy. (I can't keep worrying about what I do making other people happy or unhappy... it stresses me out entirely too much, and since I've stopped, I've been a lot happier.) Which I have been. That also means I am completely comfortable dating this guy. My closest friends that know all the details are proud of me and say to just go for it and have fun. So I am. That's all there is to it.

But because I haven't been here before, I don't know what to expect, and my mind won't stop running. I'm filled with curiosity that is insatiable. Talk talk talk talk talk. I can't shut up. To anyone. I'm happy. When I'm happy, I want to talk. When I'm happy and want to talk, I want to talk to those I care most about or have the most fun around... I'm having a great day, so want to know how everyone else's day is going and if I can do anything for them.

Gah. I need a sedative for my mind. That's what I've decided. Listening to music, usual things I would do to keep my mind at rest/ease is no longer working. And I'm going crazy. er.

On another note, I got a 93% on my test last night. Which, isn't an A. Because of the requirements to pass the EMT course, I think the 93 is a B. Anything less than 80% overall is failing the class. So the percentages are offset. But that is the highest I've had on a test so far, and I'm proud of myself. I just need to work on getting even higher scores, so I can get an A. Interestingly enough, so far at Sierra, I've had As or Cs. (only 2 Cs, mind you.) No Bs. I don't want a B in this class, so I'm going to push myself as hard as I can to get the A. :D Nice to have goals to set. If I don't do it, I'll be fine, as long as I pass the National registry test at the end of the semester. I can't wait to have it over with, done, in the past, behind me.

Okay. I'm going to go attempt to stop thinking... About everything. Maybe a brisk walk will help clear my mind...

Just trying to forget

So far, each day this week someone (both different people) have said something that has totally set me back. One had to do with work, and I did the best I could to brush it of, which is something that I feel I have done an extremely good job on. My old boss (a great guy I would love to work for again) said that is one thing I needed to work on- not letting people get to me. If he knew what was said, and what I did in reaction, he would be proud. The other had to do with Neil. I've moved on, I don't know about him, but right now honestly don't care. But someone close to us both hasn't accepted that its over and hopes that we'll get back together. And every time she says so, it turns my mood to somber. Not because I want it too, but because I hate that she's hurting.

I'm tired. I'm just trying to forget the things that have been said, and remember that because I'm tired, I might make a bigger deal of other things than I should. I have nothing to be upset about right now. I've been happier these last few months than I have few years, and I feel great about where I am at. I'm proud of myself, and how far I have come. Nothing to worry about at all. At least until I know how well I do on my EMT test tonight... LOL

I also realized I've lost more weight than I thought... I have about 5 belts- and not more than a month and a half ago, I borrowed my dad's puncher so I could put new holes in the belts and wear them smaller... Well, I added holes onto 2 belts, and am already using the smallest holes. About 4 inches less! So now, I need to replace those 2 belts, and I have another that is falling apart. On a scale at a friend's house Friday night, it said I'm down 20 pounds, so have about 10 more to go realistically, 20 ideally. But I'm halfway there... My friend Jaime and I are starting to walk every night (except Wednesdays) after work, and I'm also working on sit-ups etc. Its exciting to fit back into some of my old favorite clothes...

Money, I hate right now. I'm basically taking a cut because I'm no longer "on call" which is $200 less a month. That, I'm noticing already. It sucks. My car needs work, and there are other things I want to do that I might not be able to do- trips, things for myself, for other people, etc. I turned down a job offer at the pharmacy my roomate works at because it would be an even bigger cut in pay. But I'm trying to remember that my car is paid off, and as long as I can pay for utilities, rent, insurance, and my phone each month, as well as food, I'll be fine. Extras, I can live without. I just don't like it! Oh well- maybe I'll find something that pays more. Hopefully soon. I think that will be the final step I can take in moving on, even though I feel I've moved on as far as I can anyway. It will be a good thing though.

Speaking of moving on... I'll now be moving on to boring work. haha

Happy Birthday Sis...

Because today, Tawnya would be 22, and I am in that sort of mood, I am addressing this to her...

Has it really been four years? I cannot believe its been four years. Almost. I guess there is still two weeks between now and the day you died, isn't there. Wow. Rachelle is going to be 13, and I bet you know how big she is now. Last I heard, she's been into volleyball at the middle school, but I've been horrible at keeping in touch with the family.
I said I wasn't going to let today bring me down. I said I wasn't going to cry... But I can't help but think of all the things you're missing, and all of us that are left here missing you. I guess I haven't thought of it in a while, and now that its your birthday, its all I can think of. It doesn't help that its that time again... you know.
I miss our inside jokes. I miss our songs. I miss camping, laughing, and picking on certain cowboys. I haven't had a friend, no, I haven't had a sister like you since, and I probably never will again. There's still a hole in my heart that hasn't completely healed.
Last year, on my way home, they played your and dad's song, and I had just requested one of ours- they played them back to back... I turned the stereo up, and just sang along. When I got home, I grabbed a drink, went to Dad, and toasted to you.
I have finally gotten past picking up the phone to call you when I want to talk to someone, but I haven't gotten past missing such a great friend. So much else has changed, its hard to know what to tell you. If you were standing in front of me, you would know. You were always able to read me, especially when no one else could.
Mom looks great. You should see her. You would be so proud of her. And Dad's back has gotten a lot better. Its still hard though, to go up to the house and see everyone. I haven't talked to them since before Christmas, and now there's even more to keep Mom updated on.
I am so glad that I was able to see you before you died. I know you heard me, even if you couldn't say anything back. I will always be thankful to my mom for making that trip happen. If not, I never would have been able to say goodbye. I wish I could have been there when you finally let go, but I know we will meet again. And we'll go back to the ocean, camp on the dunes, and have a nice long talk. That will be a great day... I love you.

It could be so much worse...

I'm so happy right now...

Besides my head pounding, for the fourth day in a row, and having no money, I'm completely happy. I'm not sure I could be happier.

Sure, I lost what I thought was the love of my life not even a month ago, but honestly, I was crying about that for a week, and then I woke up and realized I've cried all the tears I could have cried and what is there to be sorry about? We didn't end on bad terms, still want to be friends, just not right now. We both have excellent futures ahead of us.

But looking back at all that has happened within the last year, I can't see anything but positives. I was put in an uncomfortable situation, but got myself out of it and now live in a great apartment in a decent and safe location with two awesome roomates who are completely mature and responsible, far beyond our years. My mom was diagnosed with a horrible form of cancer that has a high death rate, but it was caught earlier, and treated early, and she's doing great. She is a huge inspiration to me, and I know a lot of my own strength is thanks to her.

Yeah, my car needs a lot of work (almost needed more- I hit a ladder on the freeway on my way into work this morning, but no damage to my car- thankfully! *Thanks God, for watching over me there...*), I have a long way to go in school yet, my finances are out of wack and I thought I had these migranes undercontrol, but now I'm not so sure. But what can a girl do besides look at the positives. My car still runs, and should continue to do so for a while. I am not slacking off in school, and have a goal in sight that I'm working towards. And, while I've been hit with headaches since Saturday, they're not as bad as they were a few months ago, and I should be able to go to school tonight. More of an angry pain- you know, the kind that hurts, but not sharp and numbing enough to knock you down so you just get mad because you can't do anything
about it... I don't know if thats better or worse!

I am so proud of myself right now, that I can't be anything but happy. I have a hard time believing that I've gotten "over" Neil this fast, but the more I wonder if I am really "over" him, the more certain I am that I've truly gotten myself past it. Yeah, I still miss some of the things about our relationship, but I know that the reasons I've been happier these past few months than I have the past few years is not because I was with him, but because of who I've become. And who I am becoming still.