Newest member of the Broken Heart Club...

Last night my worst fears came true. Neil and I broke up. There's nothing I can do or say, he just realized that I'm not what he's always dreamed of marrying. Which is really hard, because while I am young and sure, he may not be the one for me, everything I had currently planned for my future included him. I can't picture my future without him in it. The hardest part is that he still loves me, and is in love with me. He just knows that I was only in the relationship because I saw it going to marriage, eventually, and he can't promise me that. As well as he can see it, he can't see us ever getting married at all.
One of the people I've told can't believe that its true. Trust me, I can't either. She said that he'll come around after a little while, and realize that I am what he wants. I can't quite agree with that. Neil doesn't do things without thinking them through thoroughly. If he's made this decision and acted upon it, then its most likely final.

Its just ironic, because this is the second time in my life a wonderful thing has happened the same day a horrible thing has happened. Horrible as in life changing. The first time, my nephew Jaden was born, and they took my best friend off life support. This time, yesterday, we found out my mom's CA125 levels are FINALLY below normal- they are half of what the last test was! That means she will only have two more chemo treatments and she's done. She'll have to go in every month for a while and have the levels checked, but two more treatments only! Hopefully, she'll be back to work late spring/early summer. That is such fantastic news, I hate for it to be overshaddowed by this loss...

I can't stop thinking about him. Its really hard not to call him, but I'm working on not calling him unless I absolutely need something. We agreed to still be friends, but I am not sure I can see that happening. I don't think I'll be able to handle being around him at all. At least for a while.

His mom is coming out at the end of the month... I'd like so much for things to go back to normal and the three of us to go do something together... His family has become family to me, and it hurts that I'm now losing them too. I sent his mom a thank you card for everything that she's done for me, but I don't know when she'll find out that we aren't together anymore. I'm not sure that she'll want anything to do with me now, but that's the least of my worries.

I can't stand seeing anything that belongs to him. I can't stand listening to anything we listned to, or any songs on the radio that even mention love. I can't stand knowing that the cement that holds his mailbox in will always say Jamie + Neil = Love forever. I can't stand knowing that every thing I had planned for us will never happen. Everything in his life I wanted to be by his side for, I will never be. I can't stand the thought of either of us being with anyone else. I can't stand the reality that I've once again, lost a best friend.

I'm falling apart, and need to get out of town. I'm heading up to Chico for the weekend to be with some friends. It just stinks because once again, I no longer have that one person I always go to when something is wrong, and I've been having enough trouble finding people to spend time with as it is. Everything has just been thrown out the window...

I can't stop crying, and can't completely let the crying come out... My head hurts...


Anyway. I hope you all have a better weekend than I will. All I can say is I'm going to do the best I can do.