No one wants to hear it...

How fitting as I log on to post this today, for Toni Braxton's song Unbreak my Heart to play on the radio. What's next? Breathe Again or Toni Rich and Nobody Knows... Sheesh...


I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. I purposely avoid them because I get motion sickness. And emotional roller coasters are even worse.
I’m constantly floating between bitter and slightly angry (though not towards any one person) and overwhelmingly depressed. I can try to stay busy, but that doesn’t work when I come home and try to sleep, but can’t because my mind is racing past the speed limit. I wake up in the morning slightly refreshed when my alarm rings, only to have my mind snap back and realize all over again what I’ve lost.

I know it will get better, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get through this now. No one wants to hear it anymore. No one ever did. I’m trying to get through this, not even a week later, and already everyone is sick of me. Its not like I am trying to get attention or doing this on purpose. I’m trying my hardest to maintain a positive outlook, but the truth remains that no matter what I do, I still look and feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and I have.

Monday night we had a good talk, and I felt better. Yesterday, I came crashing down again, had a friend come over after work, and took it easy. But as soon as that friend was out the door I was a mess again, and couldn’t tell you when I fell asleep. I am going out to dinner with a friend again tonight, but all I really want to do is get in my car and drive, with my music blasting. Drive, sing, and get over it.

Since we have Monday off for the holiday, I might go back up to Chico for the weekend, or head to the bay area to see a couple of cousins. I’d like to go see Neil’s dad again too, but this is not the time for that. Saturday I clean a house, so I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere until that night, or Sunday morning. All I know is that this is a horrible time for me to be alone.

And the one person who could fix it cannot without doing either of us wrong.

People say it gets easier, but its not easier yet. People say I’ll be okay, but I’m not yet. People say I’ll find someone else, and while I can’t imagine anyone better than Neil, I know if this is happening he has to be out there. But I can’t be okay with that without being okay with this.

The storm of heartbreak that follows such
Splendidly bright sunshine
Leaves me drowning in tears that seem to have no end
What little peace my heart does find
All too often is quickly washed away again