well well well

Okay... I've gotten past waking up every morning and crying, now I need to get past the afternoon doldrums. It seems like each afternoon, especially at work, It all just comes crashing down and all I can think about is him. I can't stand not talking to him, but am waiting for him to make the move and call me. While I'm not counting on him calling me, or ever wanting me back, I am trying to keep in mind that if that is ever going to happen, doing the opposite of what he has asked and what I do truly need to do for myself, is not going to help any or make it happen faster. I don't want to go a week without talking to him at all. I hate it. I will take being friends if that's all I can get, though I understand why that can't happen now. I wouldn't be able to handle it. No matter what I do he's all I want to be with. I'm on call this coming weekend, so can't go out of town, but am going to try to keep busy in one way or another. There's a birthday party on Saturday I will go early to to help set up, and stay late at to help clean after. I plan on sleeping in. There are movies I want to see. But I don't want to go alone.. That's the main thing. I went shopping by myself yesterday, and that was okay because I didn't have to worry about where anyone else wanted to go or if so and so would like this store, but I also didn't have anyone to talk to or laugh with. I hate being alone at the apartment. Everything sinks in there. Layce hasn't been feeling social lately, or at least that was her excuse the last time I actually got to talk to her. Shelby works late, has school too, and has her boyfriend. Everyone else has someone else besides me. And all I want is Neil.
For the last few months I had been meaning to get him something, and I was going to give it to him as a Valentine's day present. I ordered it the day after we broke up, or I wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about it. I wrote him a thank you letter to go with it, and am planning on giving it to him the next time I see him. Small token of my great appreciation for everything we've shared, ya know? Its just something I need to do. There are two other things I want to get him too. But that won't happen for a while, if ever. I also understand that he wants time, but I had the courtesy to pick my stuff up the Monday after we broke up. I told him last Tuesday I had a bag of his things waiting in my car, whenever he wanted to stop by and grab them- he usually works right across the freaking street! I could have given him a date, but I didn't want to be mean (I've made enough harsh/sarcastic comments) and know he will come when he's ready. But now I'm waiting for him to come get everything, not knowing when that might be (not like its in my way), and hoping every day that today is the day. I thought about dropping it off with a friend of his, or his uncle's, but that's immature, and I wouldn't want to bring anyone else in. Besides, one day he will call- its not like we'll never talk again. Waiting just has never been one of my favorite games.
I'm trying to be strong. I really am.