Wow...

I think this is the first good day I think I can say I have had since Neil and I broke up. Yeah, I shed some tears- this morning some of those tears woke one of my roomates up. But I think my system of shower bawling and the two page letter I wrote in the notebook this morning helped. Finally.

I had a major headache this morning so I took some excedrin, and I think part of today being a better day might have been the caffiene. See, I haven't exactly been sleeping that well.

And I am proud to say I think I have lost weight... When I was at Mom's I think I had lost ten pounds. I might have only lost one or two between now and then, but as a test I put on a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a while. Let me tell you they slid on a lot easier than they did the last time I wore them, and that is awesome.

The bad thing about losing weight is that now the pants I bought 2 months ago that were big now really are way too big... And hopefully they'll only be getting bigger. Yesterday before I went to dinner with my friend Jaime I stopped in the little gym they have in the rental office here. And I'm hoping to start working out once on the weekends, and twice a week. Gotta get into shape if I'm going to be lifting people off the floor or onto gurneys! And, its something I've been meaning to do for quite a while.

Don't worry, I'm not losing weight because I'm not eating. I am having to force myself to eat, but I am eating. Not as much as usual, but I also don't burn that many calories sitting at a desk all day.

I said a prayer on the way home tonight because a lot of people are telling me they think Neil will come around. God I hope so, but I'm sure as heck not counting on it. I've had people promise me before that they would come back for me, and no one ever has. I can't count on Neil coming back, especially since he's not counting on it, or I would be setting myself up for an even bigger heartbreak than I'm dealing with now. But after hearing it from so many people who know both of us (especially him) well, its harder not to hope for it a little more. So I prayed for God not to let that idea take heart in me, and to help prepare me for whatever it may be that my future holds...

But I have been reassured that one of my fears is not coming true- at least not yet. So far, the people in Neil's family I have talked to are extremely supportive and still want to be around me. I know Neil and I didn't end fighting, but I was paraniod that his mom especially would stop talking to me, and that is one of the last things I want. I can't thank her enough for all she's done for me, and for Neil and I. Neil's family is family to me too now. And neither his mom or his sister (foster sister really... but we all just leave the foster part out) Veronica will act or say otherwise. In fact, I went over to Veronica's house tonight after work (she lives maybe 5 minutes away) and it was as if nothing had changed at all, except the topic of discussion. Veronica's little sister Myra is living with her now, and Myra is not only my age, but doesn't really know anyone else in the area. I had told Veronica the last time I saw her that I'd like to spend more time with Myra and gain a new friend, and I planned on following up on that. It was great! There was no negativity (which I have been getting a bit of and certainly don't need any more of!), only support, love and listening. I cried, we talked, I felt better, and we laughed. Veronica even complimented me, saying that I am on the right track, its just going to take some time. When I left, Myra apologized, saying she was sorry she couldn't give me more advice and didn't really know what to do- I told her as I've told everone else with the same sort of comment- doing as you're doing and listening and being positive is more than I can ask for. Really it is. I know that if Neil and I are meant to be it will happen, but now is not the time. I know that if we aren't meant to be, then this is the best time to figure out what I am meant to be, where I am meant to be, and who I am meant to be. Granted, a lot of that is already figured out, but I don't plan on ever stopping learning. Ever. I'll be a 90 year old grandma and still want to take classes in something!

So... I'm trying to plan a trip to the Bay Area. It probably won't be a long trip, possibly the weekend after next. No, Neil's mom will be in town that weekend, and I promised her I'd help her babysit. (Okay, I know right here and now a couple of people are going to want to say I should distance myself from his family right now too- but I can't lose my best friend and a surrogate family in the same shot right now, and after being at Veronica's house tonight and feeling comfortable again for a few short hours, I only feel better.) I have two cousins out that way, one whom I haven't seen since last Christmas, the other since... Goodness I don't even remember how old I was, I think she said she was four or five. I'm also hoping to go see Neil's dad and have dinner or something with he and his wife. I've been wanting to go see them for quite a while, but it never seemed to get planned. Hmm... I really want to go see the cousins especially... And the drive will warm me up for the next time I go to Oregon. That's a long drive...

Yep. Today was the best day I've had in a while. Something I'm doing is working, and I'm glad. I'd like to sleep normally, eat normally, feel normally, and wake up without immediately crying again.