Still can't wait.

Neil left this morning to go to North Carolina for Christmas. I leave in 2 days! Yay! I love making short trips over the weekend. While they don't use enough time to do everything one wants to do, it really does make everything seem like it lasts a lot longer.

I leave Saturday for Arizona. And I'm slightly bummed because I seem to have caught a cold. So, I will probably have to wear a mask around my mom, and might not go with her to the appointment on Tuesday if I am sick. Apparently, both of my nephews have strep throat, so I won't be the only one. I also had planned on going up to Foresthill tomorrow night to drop presents off and have dinner with my grandma, but if I'm even remotely sick I don't want her to get it either... So I am going to see if I can drop them off with Dad instead...

Is it Saturday yet?

Semi-rhetorical question.

How am I supposed to be the best that I can be, when people who are above me do not follow through with their end of the deal?



grrr... I just want to cry right now.

Slacker

Okay, I know I'm a slacker. I got home Monday around noon, but had been up since midnight, so neglected to post here, and neglected to post the pictures I took at that fantastic Chargers vs. Colts game I went to. I promised myself I would do it last night.

Well, last night I went home and fixed myself a fabulous, but large, shrimp salad, and ended up visiting with my roomates until I was ready to crash, and again, neglected to post anything.

Tonight, I am planning on helping Neil finish his Christmas shopping because he leaves tomorrow for North Carolina (grr.. I still wish he could come with me!), Thursday night I am going to dinner with a good friend or three, and Friday I am hopefully going to go see my wonderfully cute Grandma Luella up in Foresthill. Saturday morning, I fly to Arizona. Sorry. I promise I'll get something posted soon picture wise.

My weekend went great- we didn't really do anything specifically for my birthday, but the trip was really more about the game and Neil's grandma, brother Ray and cousins Jonathan and Andrew. I am not even sure I ate a full meal all weekend- we were not on Indiana's time schedule, and ended up going down to the hotel lobby both evenings for Happy Hour. Never made it to a bar either, but that's okay. Saturday, Neil and I got into Indianapolis, took a nap, and waited for everyone else to arrive. Neil and I took a long walk around downtown, looking for a liquor market or store we could buy drinks from while we waited, and then when everyone else arrived we went down to happy hour. I got buzzed on wine, thought I was drunk, and ended up going to bed really really early. Sunday, we went to the game....

Ah the game. My new camera has a really great zoom capability. We were sitting up almost as high as was possible in the RCA dome, and some of the pictures I took look like we were sitting on the field!

The only downside to the weekend was a question I asked Neil that he took completely wrong, and I ended up crying... He is not really good with sharing feelings, or letting people know when they upset him- and I apparently did. His reaction was accentuated by a few beers, but we ended up having a long talk and sorted everything out. No problem. And that is one of the things I love about our relationship- we resolve things quickly- I won't have it any other way, especially if I think I have hurt him.

Anyway. As I said, I'll try to get the pictures up soon...

Nothing can go wrong today.

Okay, maybe it all can, but today, my attitude needs no adjustment.

Or at least that's the plan I want to try. :D hehehe

Our flight leaves at 12:15 am... Yeah... I'll be on a plane all night, but I don't care.

ah..... *sigh*

Being happy is so much more fun than anything else, especially when you feel as loved as I do today. Not just Neil, but my family. I couldn't have picked any better, and if I had a choice, I'd pick each and every one of them still.

And, I cannot wait to go see my mom again. Yay!

Think I can hold my breath until the 27th?

My mom had a PET scan this afternoon to see if there are any lingering cancer cells they missed before- her CA125 levels have not really been dropping like they were. BUT, she doesn't get the results until the 27th, when she goes in for chemo again. Luckilly, I get to go with her and see what its all about. That might be hard emotionally, but it is an opportunity I will not let pass me by.

Excited about the game this weekend, Neil and I are going shopping tonight for "long underwear" to wear, and then I'm going to try and get all the gifts I need to ship to Arizona wrapped so I can ship it and not have to worry about carrying those with me on the plane next weekend! I can't believe its almost Christmas already.. Wow.... I need go get moving on my project for Mom. Bryce (my sister in law, Garrett's wife) and I got the idea when Mom was diagnosed with Cancer, and I've had it in my room ever since. Its about half way done, but the rest of it will just be waiting for paint to dry. I'll try to post a picture of it when its done... I'd tell you what it is, but I don't want her to find out early. :D

Anyway. Mom asked me if I have any ideas or desires for Christmas dinner. CRAB! Growing up, we always had Crab on Christmas Eve at my grandparents' house, and to some of us grandkids, its tradition... Crab never tastes as good to me as it does on Christmas... Its just somethign special.

What can I say? I love traditions.

All those Awfuls.

I have always been a good student. I've usually had A's, some B's, and an occasional C. As this semester wraped up, and I recieved my final grades, a happy memory has come to mind.

Growing up, my grandpa used to tease me. We played cards, fished, and just spent good 'ol quality time together. Every time it snowed I tried to get to his yard to make a snow angel right outside his window. And whenever I got my report card, he always expected to hear how I had done. It was always our joke, that A stands for Awful, B for Bad, C and D I have since forgotten, and F was Fantastic.

I took my last final last night, and the teacher graded my test and added it in before I left. I got an A in that class. This morning, I remembered Grandpa and our tradition. While I cannot call him, I will call and let Grandma know.

I've also realized that since I'm no longer walking to and from a bus to school, and wandering around campus, I get colder easier. I'll have to remember to bundle up even more this weekend at the Colts/Chargers game... :D I can't wait! Indiana, I'm almost on my way.

Honestly now....

My mom's CA125 levels have leveled off... They're going to do a PET scan to see if that helps figure out why they are not going down any more.

Today has been a good day, and I did something today I have not done in quite a while. I used to write poetry all the time, though I've never been one to write about the forests and oceans unless they were related to a dream or scenario in my mind. So, today you get to see a side of me few others see... As long as you promise not to laugh.


The looming shadow
Slowly surrounds my heart
Bringing with it a feeling of despair
Knowing neither that I am doing something wrong
Nor what the shadow truly means
I am without answers, without comfort

The shadow lingers now and then,
Rarely surrounding the inner channels of my heart
Though when it starts seeping in
It pours
Staining the fabric of my inner being
Like Merlot on a white carpet

Once removed, the remanants of the stain
Still linger like unwanted guests at the worst moment
"That" time impeding the much anticipated wedding night

This feeling of dread I cannot shake
Wanting to help but held captive behind
A panel of soundproof glass
Through which I can neither be heard nor felt
But can only watch the loved on the other side
Exist as if I never had

Deep calming breaths only bring the shadow closer
Excited hurried breaths still don’t send it away
This thing that once was a beatable obstacle
Slowly crashes down again
The unbreakable pillar being broken slowly from within

Out of reach, out of sight,
Recognizable only with more invasion
What will the answer be this time.

Time is a concept I can only begin to grasp
How long one has to spend with another
Is never a choice of ours
Circumstances out of our control

I would not wish to know the time and place
But do not want to withstand another drastic loss
As the shadow draws closer,
Sometimes looming, sometimes
Like water down the drain
Swirling, carried by the force of gravity
To a place one cannot see

While weighing on my heart like an elephant on a mouse tail.


Not as cheerfull as mine usually are, but I sure feel better after writing that.

What a day.

Here's a problem with having been born and raised in the boondocks; I hate being in the city. I got a call from a placement agency that is quite interested in my resume, and wished to speak with me further regarding my opportunities... I drove down to Rancho Cordova for the interview only to get stuck in traffic. It took me an HOUR to drive twelve miles. Ok, not even that. 9 miles max. I went down there thinking that the lady I was meeting with would have a little something more for me than, 'Well, we have a new sales rep who is concentrating in your area, so something should come up soon'. Okay, so its my fault for misunderstanding what the purpose of this meeting was.

What can I say? I'm tired, sore, grumpy, and hungry. I just a) don't want to go to bed 3 hours early for fear I will wake up at 2am. b) can't take anything c) know I just need to get some sleep d) don't know what the heck to eat.

Yeah...

Irony strikes again.

This morning when I wrote that post, I had no idea I would end up walking out of the office 10 minutes early (never do that unless I have a darn good reason) and applying to multiple jobs tonight. By choice, mind you, I was not fired.

This morning went... I was going to say well, but that is not really true. You see, I have not slept well the last few nights, and have been kind of grumpy because of that and these migranes today. 4 people called before 930 this morning asking for my boss, who is supposed to be in at 9, and was not there yet. He usually isn't in until 10 or 11. And who gets stuck fielding calls telling people he is not in yet, no i don't know why he hasn't called you back, no I'm not sure when he will be in. I do not even pay attention anymore to what time he walks in at, I can't- I get too mad. Why should I stay responsible and keep working when he doesn't even try to keep it going? There's a lot more to it than that, but I've already said more than I should.

So, I found a great list of job openings in my area, and I am sending my resume out tonight. I'm sick of wasting my time for a boss who doesn't even try.

*sigh*

Revelation...

Duh.

I mentioned yesterday (if I didn't I thought about it and forgot to mention) that a few people have suggested dropping full time work for full time school. And, judging how work has been the last few months, some have reccommended finding something else. While I'm still looking, my revelation is this;

If, within the next 6 months, I do not find anything more promising/with a more flexible schedule, then after June, provided I pass the EMT class and all that it entails, I will be able to use that instead. That doesn't mean I'm not still looking, but its a comforting thought to know that if all else fails, that definitely will offer a more flexible schedule. And, should I decide to stick with that and become a paramedic, the teacher I am going to try to add into, is a head guy at a local service in the area, and his students always have an "in" at that company, and places it works with. And, they will help pay for additional training should one decide to become a paramedic/firefighter.

At least, if it doesn't work out for me I've tried it, gotten it out of my system, and will know whether or not I like it. Not that I need to convince anyone or anything.

Hmm. Well now that I feel I have really not accomplished anything by saying all this, I'm just going to go.

Don't even know.

I don't even know what to write right now, but I am bored and need to do something. I am going to head to class early, and copy down the ISBN numbers off the books I'll need next semester so I can get that out of the way and buy them cheaper on half.com... Sierra likes to stick us with "required" packets that aren't really required. Last spring, that ended up costing me about $75 more than the books should have. So, I buy what I'll risk buying ahead of time, and get the rest after I meet the teachers and see what they really want us to use.

Lately, things have been weird. Neil and I are doing great, but I've realized that every year around this time I get antsy about marriage. I know we're not rushing into anything, but I've come to think its part of a little kick I fall into every fall/winter. I get depressed. Call it "winter blues". Nothing happens fast enough, though really everything is going just as it should. I get sad easilly, and don't know why. I feel alone, although I'm not. I start thinking I'm not doing enough, though while I could be doing more, I'm already doing a lot. Thoughts start popping into my head that haven't for a long time, and honestly don't need to be there. This week so far (*knock on wood*) is okay, but if it starts coming back again, I might get a little worried.

Anyway. I'm still looking for a new position, and am hoping that if I find something with a more flexible schedule I can take on more classes. Which will probably mean financial aid, but if it gets me through school faster, so be it. I'm also going to plan on taking summer courses too, just to keep moving along. At least now I know what pre-reqs I have to take in order to get into the nursing program at Sierra! I've had a few people I really trust either tell me flat out or hint that I need to drop work and go to a 4 year, but right now, I'm just not ready to do that. Call it lazy, I call it scared. A new job is enough change, and maybe if I start taking more classes, then by the time I am ready to transfer maybe I can make school a full time thing.

Unfortunately, right now, getting these migranes under control is a higher priority. I can't go to class if I can't see out of one eye or am throwing up... And, my PCP is starting up a private practice, so until he gets a contract with my insurance again, I have to see someone new! I'm so bummed. For now, we've decided to give the 2 preventative meds another month or so to see how they work, and might try another med. If that doesn't work, its off to a neurologist/headache specialist. I suck at keeping a headache diary.

Lately, I've been bummed that I'm not getting enough time with friends. Actually, that has been turning more into, do I even have friends who want to spend time with me? Most of the girls I know have a primary choice for hanging out with that does not involve me. And that kind of stinks. I'm trying to spend more time with my roomates, but our schedules usually don't match that well. Especially Shelby and I. Layce and I get a chance to chat at night when I'm home, but Shelby spends more time with her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, Neil is fantastic, I couldn't ask for any better, but I've gotta have my girl time. And since Garrett and Bryce (brother and his wife) moved down closer to me, Bryce and I don't spend as much time together... Strangely.

Saturday night I went up to Foresthill and had dinner with Grandma. That is always fun. And, I'm beating myself up now for not doing it more. Grandma's too cool not to spend time with.

I'm excited though, I can't wait until Friday. 1) I am going to the DMV to renew my license/get a new picture (no more tie-dyed shirt... (hey, it was spirit week at school when I went in to get my license for California)) 2) I'm going to dinner with dad! hahaha... Hopefully, I can hang out with the girls after that. But I get to hang out with my dad! I love doing that.

Anyway. Off to get those numbers for the books.