Struggling...

Everyone, including myself, has told me that this will pass, I will get over it, and eventually find someone who is even better than Neil. While I can't imagine anything better than him, I have to believe that, because why else would this be happening.

But I had a really hard time yesterday, and this morning woke up bawling yet again. Its hard having your best friend and the man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with tell you that you need time apart and he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I'm going crazy inside. Everything else that I have is well overshadowed by this, and all I want is for this to be over. I want the pain to stop. I want the tears to stop. I want the love back.

Before Wednesday night when this whole thing started, I had nothing to fear. My plans were set, even if I didn't know exactly what some of the pieces were. I had Neil, and that was enough. Now, it seems all the promises not happening now are too much for me to handle. I know things will get better, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I can't focus, and I can be a blubbering idiot. Most of the time I feel like if I can't have him, what's the point of anything. Having someone who was such a huge part of my life and my plans stripped from me without warning is putting me back in a place I have not been for a really long time, and a place I do not want to be in.

I can't stand this. The encouragement isn't touching me, and I can't stop missing him. Just talking to him... And I can't even do that.

I'm running late for work. Hopefully I can keep it together there today...