Blah

Blah…

That’s how I’m feeling right now. In limbo ya know? Not great, not horrible, just me.

I’m wondering… Neil cancelled his Netflix subscription, and I still have one of the DVDs. He didn’t tell me he was canceling it, but I logged on (he gave me the log on info a long time ago, and hasn’t changed it) and I was curious if one of the movies we both really wanted to see came in yet. And I noticed that the DVDs we had last have a due date to be returned. So… I had told him I would watch the DVD I have and send it back when I get a chance, but that was before I saw the due date. And now I’m wondering if I should be nice and send it back or see if he says something. I kind of want to see if he says something, but one of the things I’ve decided is that all the things I had depended on him for before for I am going to surprise us both by taking care of myself. Most of the things I’m curious about I have e mailed him for quick help, and haven’t received any kind of response. So I’m forgetting I even asked him, and taking care of it myself. I know he’s busy and just may not have gotten to it yet, but I’m impatient and want it done.

If he is just trying to figure things out like many people suspect, and even if he isn’t, he’ll be proud of me for doing it all myself. I think he’d be impressed if I did these things without asking for help again and on my own… I’m hoping anyway…

But still, I’m trying not to let it get into my head that he might come back. I can’t. I’ve been told by people before that they’ll come back for me, and no one ever has- I would be more of a mess than I currently am if I were to expect him to come back and he never did. So I’m moving on. It would be nice, but I can’t count on it. Nor can I count on him getting in touch with me for anything anymore, so I’m not even expecting him to. Oh well. Life goes on.

As Veronica suggested last night, this is time for me to focus on me. I’m getting into better shape, working on my other issues, and becoming a better person, all for me. Doing the things I want to do (not like I didn’t anyway when I was with Neil, but now I have more time to focus on them because I am not spending every moment I can with him) and living for myself. Its hard, because I want so much to give him everything, especially now that we’re not together, there is so much I want to do for him and give him, I grow more and more thankful every day that we’re not together for all the times we spent together. I’ll always treasure those memories. And by focusing on me right now I’m preparing myself to be better in the next relationship I do get into, whomever it may be with.

I got two e mails from guys that live in my area last night on myspace… one I deleted right away, and the other I probably will delete later. I don’t mind having friends right now, but I can’t trust meeting a new guy that he doesn’t have other aspirations or motives. I can’t. I went with my friend Jaime the night before last to a “game night” at the house of a friend of her’s, and we played catch phrase. I was sitting next to a guy from the other team, (it was guys against girls) and I got my team to guess a couple of really hard phrases. Each time, he complimented me and said I was really good. And for the first time in a while, I couldn’t accept the compliment, so I kind of said Thanks quietly, and ignored it. Thinking about it now I still feel like “yeah what does he know” sarcastic.

One of my roommates suggested something totally out of line- Neil and my friend Adam came over to hang out Wednesday night, and before he got there one of the girls suggested I have rebound sex with him! Yikes. No way. Adam is more like a brother to me than anything else, not to mention Neil’s best friend for 10+ years! Not to mention sex is the last thing I want or need right now. Ugh… Lets just say I don’t exactly subscribe to the modern views regarding sex… So moving on…

Did I mention this is the first morning I have woken up without crying? I even tried to cry, but just feel at peace with this now. God knows I still miss Neil, that I can’t see ever changing, but what can I do about it- nothing, but focus on myself and what is right for me right now.

I’ve mentioned that one of the things that’s helping me is to blare music while I’m driving. I’ve been playing a CD from a guy I knew up in Oregon for the last week, and I’m including the lyrics to the song that really keeps me going below… If you’d like to hear it, go to http://www.myspace.com/jdreaminn and you can hear it on my profile there.

Fly Away
Written by Paul Wright* May 16, 2002 Eugene, OR IntroShe’s got dreams dreams that he’s got thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo fly away 2xVerse oneShe looks out her windowWatching people as they pass on bySome of them want to come insideMan oh man one on one I wonder which one will she trustCuz some men only lustAnd she wants a man who can understandWhat a woman wants and if he can appreciate her and not deface herAnd she wants a king with a diamond ringNot some prince charming who’s gonna steal everything that he gave herYeaChorusShe’s got to fly away (uh 1-2, uh 1-2, uh 1-2)I watch her walk next to you but soonShe’s got to get away (oh that’s true, oh that’s true, oh that’s true)I hope her dreams do come trueCuz she is a butterflySpreadin spreadin spreadin spreadin Spreading her wings(She’s beautiful, she’s beautiful, she’s beautiful)
BridgeAnd she wants a family (family) she wants a lover (lover)She wants a best friend closer than any otherA man that’s true she wants a man who Can hear God’s voice and know what he is called to doShe wants a hard worker not some lazy bum But a man who knows how to get the job doneShe wants a family to be a mother and raise a child that came from herYeaChorusOutroShe’s got dreams dreams that he’s got things thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo (to to) fly away 2xShe’s got to fly away (fly away)She’s on the ground learning to fly but she’s flying nowShe’s on the ground it’s time to fly she’s gonna fly nowShe’s on the ground looking down it’s time to fly ya’ll She’s on the ground but watch her rise and fly awayShe was looking down but now she’s looking to the sky ya’llSpreading her wings to give it a try give it a try give it a tryTo fly away when the rest of the girls are on the fall ya’llShe’s spreading her wings to fly awayfly away fly away Cuz she’s got dreams dreams that he’s got things thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo (to to) fly awayVerse 2But her heart is a kingdom without a kingAnd without him she can’t singSo she waits on a watchtowerHoping praying waiting for his arrival (and all the people in the world say) and then they’llChorus

Honestly. Paul is awesome. And I don’t think I’d be where I am today without the music he makes…

Okay.. back to work… But first, what’s for lunch!!???