What a day...

So… I’m sitting here thinking about Neil and it hits me, I know someone else who let a good thing go to waste about 10 years ago, and that person is now really sorry. Each time I see that person, I see in his/her eyes the pain because there is no going back, like he/she wishes there were. If faced with the situation today, the person would not have done what was done. I know how that is. Each day, I love Neil more and more, as I did when we were together. This time, its somewhat different. I’m more appreciative, and admire him more as a person. No matter how right it is now, I would hate for Neil to regret this later. But I’m not worrying about that. What’s done is done, and I’m moving on. I don’t like it, but I like the possibilities it brings forth. I am growing stronger daily, and while not every day is as good as the next (or the last, for that matter), I know I will be stronger tomorrow too.

Neil was working across the street today (which I didn’t know until later) and actually e mailed me, and I reminded him that I have some of his stuff in my car for him. Come and get it whenever you want. I thought he would. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m not giving him a time. But part of me honestly thinks he wants nothing to do with me, and that really hurts. Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that horrible that he can’t face me for five seconds to get his stuff? What did I do wrong? How much more time does he need before he’s comfortable being friends? I was fine until I saw that he had left already, because until then I thought he might come and get it. Now, he’s not there, so didn’t come get it, and I can’t take it to him. My solution? Clean my room to make room for the hope chest and piece of ceramic that I have left up at his house, so I can borrow my dad’s truck, go get my stuff, and drop his off. I'm not leaving a vulnerability open for my heart to have an excuse to see him. Clearer- I'm giving his stuff back to him as soon as I can on my own, so that I no longer hold on to it waiting for him to come by, and when he doesn't don't get upset because if and when he is ready to see me again, I want it to be on his own, when he's ready, when we're both ready. If I sit here with his stuff, every day I come to work I'll wonder when he's going to stop by to get it. Because he won't come until he's ready. I'm not going to wait, and torture myself by waiting. I'm going to get it back to him when I can, and not count on anything but what I need to do myself.

He’s made his decision. Its his loss. Yesterday, I interviewed at a staffing agency (really, was more like skills tested) and it was the second time I had to schedule the appointment. Initially, I was supposed to go in the day Neil and I broke up, but I couldn’t keep myself together. The lady called to check in, and I was crying, so we agreed to re-schedule. Yesterday she asked if I lost a family member, and I told her no, my boyfriend. She said, his loss, you’re an incredible, beautiful young lady.

I am. That’s me. I’m smart, beautiful, and I know it. I have confidence, and I’m damn proud of it. I’m not afraid to go somewhere by myself, of course, I’d rather go with people, but I’m used to doing things by myself, and kind of like it sometimes. Except right now, when usually I really just want to be around people. I have a lot of friends who don’t think they’re beautiful, and argue when I tell them they are. I'm not a model, would never want to be, but I also don't need to be.

Well, one of my friends actually called me and actually (now this is the really amazing part) wants to get together for dinner tonight, so I'm going to go meet her. Just when I thought I was going home alone again to cook fish and stink up the apartment for my roomates... hehehe