Comfortable

I spend all day today at a local health fair/flu shot clinic, talking about the company I work for and promoting it to whomever walked by...

Yesterday, I had a hard day. Mainly stress, but also knowing that this second course of chemo is hitting my mom a lot harder and she really is not feeling well... I almost didn't go to class last night, because the teacher's mom and cancer survivor was speaking about her treatment and such. I did not want to sit there looking at someone who had beat it and was doing so well, knowing that my mom feels like absolute crud right now. No, not just crud, but as far as I can tell, crud that has been stepped in, and walked around on ... x4.

But I ended up going, ended up crying, ended up talking to the mom, was reassured a thousand times over that while I will NEVER feel like I am doing enough to help her, I really am doing enough. And, I found a new friend... You ever meet one of those girls you just think is not really your style/type of friend and something happens that draws you close together? Yeah... My first impression of this girl was that she was totally preppy, and stuck up... Ironic too, because she was the cheerleading captain for Sierra last year and I cheerleaded in 8th grade to prove that not all cheerleaders are stuck up. (hey Brenda, I'm doing the ellipses thing again.. hahaha)

While I was talking to the mom, the girl was talking to the teacher, and the teacher spilled about why I was talking to the mom. Not that I mind, because the girl is really supportive... And! She knows not only what it is like to lose people close to you, but to lose one of your best friends (that is close to your age). I cried. And learned we have a lot in common...
1) We are both former cheerleaders
2) We both would like to be an EMT (she's in training, I haven't made it there yet, but have always wanted to test it out before I go into nursing (I've ruled Heald out...) .. although now I'm working more on going towards a fast track to nursing... I'm gonna stop rambling and just say I need to go meeet with a school counselor about my goals...)
3) We both have asthma.
4) We both have lost a best friend, tragically
5) We both, at different times, have felt like we have no family. (Okay, for me it wasn't NO family, but more of no present family.. no one nearby- I was ignored where i lived.. or fought all the time where I lived.. That has passed now)
6) We both have watched (well.. she's going through it now) a grandparent near their end stages of life (for me, both of my grandparents).

So, in this moment I am proud of my maturity in accepting the differences we have and don't have and am glad to have a new friend...

Now the real reason I sat down to write this, was that last night in class, I was talking to the Mom about how we still "feel" people we have lost. I told her about my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, where I made my Grandpa (Kenneth) promise he would be at my wedding, to see my grandkids, and be there with me at my 50th anniversary. :D I know that when I do marry, he will be watching over me. I think about him a little more, because I wish he could have met Neil. But my other grandpa and I had the M&M thing, and as I've already stated, I still cannot eat M&Ms any other way than how he taught me- by color! I might not necessarily "feel" their presence, but my feeling towards them is still strong...

I'm not sure that makes any sense... I'm eating M&Ms right now...

Before I went to Florida, I picked up a book at Bel Air called Through Violet Eyes. The book is about people born with violet eyes, who contact those "not quite on the other side" i.e. those dead but in the middle, not having gone to wherever they are supposed to go. They are in limbo.
Okay, now if you will picture Sam in Ghost, coming into Whoopi Goldberg's character... in the book, whoopi would be the violet eyed person, and Sam would be telling someone through whoopi how he died... the violet eyed people can control who comes in through them, and who doesn't and when. they are called upon often to solve murders by recalling those who have died.

Okay... Now comes the hard part. If you have lost anyone you were close to, and you could talk to them today, would you, and what would you say or want to know?

Something that changed with me after Tawnya died, is that I try to be more cautious about telling people how I feel about them- i.e. I try to make sure we don't hang up without telling my mom/dad/neil/whoever that I love them (as applicable). I know part of why I feel the way I do about Tawnya is that I was able to talk to her before she "died" (only in parenthesis because she was in a coma on life support, and I don't know about brain activity to know whether or not she was still "here") . Same with my grandpas. I made sure they knew I loved them.

LOL When my grandpa Ken had a stroke, and was in the hospital, I believe on hospice care, I went with my dad to go see him. We stayed with him for a while, and on our way out, stopped at the gift shop. I found this pug/bulldog stuffed animal, and KNEW that I had to get it for Grandpa. Dad obliged, and let me run back to Grandpa's room to give it to him. He couldn't talk, but somehow managed a laugh for me when I handed it to him. I told him I loved him, and he did the best he could to tell me he loved me too. After he died, Grandma made sure I got it back... Its one of the few stuffed animals I keep out still, and I'll never forget that laugh...

*sigh*

Sidetracked....

Okay, so you know I'm on one mission, but in my quest, I have been sidetracked... LOL

I'm currently taking night classes at a local community college (which is now about 10 minutes from my house.. oh yeah!) towards an A.S. in something I have yet to decide. I've been taking courses there for three years, and excluding credits not completed from this semester, I have earned 25 credits towards my general ed... I had been planning on taking math and Spanish next month (towards more general ed) and enrolling in the EMT program next fall. At the rate I am going, it would take probably another 3-4 years to graduate.

There is a non-profit private career college nearby, (about 5 minutes from my house! yay!) that offers a Medical Assistant program. Some of the courses I have taken at Sierra (current college) will transfer to the new program at Heald. The school also offers job placement services for life, and receives job offers for current and graduated students all the time. It is more expensive (about 8,000 a year, 300 a quarter in books), but I could get financial aid (which I have been avoiding- I am paying cash for the courses I take now). And, if I applied myself, I could be out in 2 years.

It sounds great, and besides being a little daunting to go through so much change, my main concern is the financial aspect. An A.S. in 2 years sounds really nice, especially with the career pacement. The Medical Assistant program trains for both front and back office procedures, and would give me a start... Since the semester at Sierra ends in December, I wouldn't start at Heal until January. I have a little while to decide. Any thoughts?

88 & 89

LOL Do you ever re-read your own blog? I just did a little bit of that myself.... And I realized that on my 100 things, I think I made my answers to 88 & 89 a little confusing.

"88. I gave up. I made a rather unfortunate conclusion.
89. I am a family person."

Me being a family person is not the unfortunate conclusion. I love that I am a family person. The unfortunate conclusion has to do with someone else not quite being that big of a family person, if you could call the person one at all... But, I will not post the unfortunate conclusion here. Partially, out of respect. Partially, because for once I am actually not taking something as personal as I normally would. I'm moving on. Its not my problem. It is also not my loss!

Simple Request?

Hey howdy hey and good morning. I have yet to go to sleep yet today, this morning really, because I just got home about an hour and a half ago. Yep. I cleaned my usual every-other-Saturday house and then put in another 5 and a half hours at the office... And I was not able to get out and about first thing this morning not because I had golf class (it rained, no class when it rains), but because I woke up with a nasty headache and went back to sleep. So, I left the office at 1230...

Now, I am sitting here thinking of all the qualifications I would like my job to have. Why? Because all I have read all day are ads for jobs requiring qualifications I don't yet have... But I'm working on that one.

Instead of making myself feel worse than I already do (wouldn't ya know, I got yelled at both today and yesterday for, you guessed it, not really anything at all!), I thought it might help if I make a list to remind myself what I am looking for!

1) A position in which my immediate supervisor is actually qualified to be in their position.

2) A position in which the people around me are not threatened if one of us has more experience than another in a certain field, and therefore do not take their inadequate feelings out on the rest of us.

3) A position in which the head honchos do little to kill the morale. I like to work my butt off, give me a reason to want to work it off harder!

4) A position in a professional environment where no one yells (unless there is a darn good reason to- i.e. you have to raise your voice in order to be heard on the other end of the phone by the 89 year old you are speaking with, or there is a *heaven forbid* fire.) at anyone else.

5) A position that allows me to grow into being the person I am yet to find out who will be, by challenging me, strengthening me, and guiding me towards achieving my full potential.

6) Possibly a position that pays for further education (Nursing school anyone?) . (Or will bring flexibility that allows me to take the courses.)

7) While this is a changing world and minds should be allowed to change, a position in which those minds do not change with the wind.

8) A position in which the people I speak to actually listen to me, and remember what I have said when important, so that as to avoid them feling like they need to go against request #4.

9) A position that allows me to work with people, because that can be really fun.

10) A position that offers room to climb the ladder, preferably with more than 3 rungs.



How's that?



*sigh* Did I tell you on the flight back from Orlando the plane stopped in Phoenix? I sat on the plane for probably a good 45 minutes (How long does it take for one group to get off, the attendants to go through, count, clean, and another group to board?) knowing that my mom was only about 10 minutes away! That really sucked! So, I came home and bought another plane ticket. :D hehehe.. I'll be there on the 4th, which is only a litle over two weeks away! hahahaha... That makes me so happy. Mom says my homework is to have a new job before I come... LOL

And Neil and I have been better than ever after our little chat. Thats another thing I love about him, not only does he always amaze me, but when we need to talk about something like that, we find a solution or common-ground fast. We've never said goodnight mad at each other. It helps that he is so darn hard to get mad at, but still. We think a lot alike, or similar enough that we can appreciate each other's logic and honestly discuss anything. I'm the one who freaks out, he's the one who calms me down, and rightfully so. We balance each other out, thankfully so... I feel like the luckiest person in the whole world...

Before I make myself cry, I'm going to have a crack at sleeping. Thanks for listening. (I might say that every time... LOL It feels like a good ending.)

New resolution...

I need to not talk about work. It stresses me out too much.

The conference went okay. Until our plane stopped in Phoenix on the way back home. In Phoenix, I called Mom to tell her where I was, but wouldn't be able to see her. We got to talking about me coming out for Thanksgiving, and she brought up another idea, which I am going to try to follow instead. when I hung up, I mentioned to the co-worker/girlfriend of the boss I was with about flying out when Mom suggested instead of for Thanksgiving.

Her response? "Oh so the one year we give you both holidays off (for the record, Thanksgiving and Christmas are both paid holidays off that our whole office (minus the on call drivers) have off) you don't even take it?" that and something to the effect of them already having plans for THanksgiving...

For the record, earlier this year, I questioned about the possibility of having the days surrounding the holidays off so that I might go see Mom for Thanksgiving, and go with Neil for Christmas to the Carolinas to see his family. This was BEFORE we learned my mom has cancer. Also for the record, I have only submitted a time off request (which has been granted) for Christmas.

Anyway. I'm finally getting around to setting clockwork in motion to get rid of that problem.

In the meantime, the conference went well, but of course most of what I learned I can't put to use until the "new" software is implemented. I got sick over the weekend, a cold that strangely went to my chest first, and I took yesterday off sick... Another reason why the clockwork is in motion- apparently some words were exchanged in my absence yesterday that has turned some negative tension enfused turned positive attitudes negative again, and this time to another level I refuse to be subjected to.

Speaking of Mom, she is doing well. Starts her second round, I believe, next Wednesday. Her doc also said he's never seen the CA-125 levels shoot down so fast so soon! And, she won't have to go through as much chemo...

Conversations with Neil continue, and I continue to be more thankful every second that he is in my life. I think we're starting to understand our misunderstandings even further, and I'm trying to remember that he knows what he is doing... LOL I am way too impatient, and its a good thing he balances me out. Neil is very level-headed. Its not that he doesn't want to get married, its that he knows we both have things we need to accomplish before we can get there. *sigh*

Meanwhile, I'm going to go tackle my resume... suggestions? tips? Anyone want to write it for me? LOL

That just reinforced my initial decision.

Last time I posted, I wrote about a situation with Neil.... That has since been resolved- I told him I'm not looking for a date set in stone, but by throwing out a date just needed to know if it might be possible. It is, we agreed, and now I appreciate more than ever how comfortable I am with him. I also appreciate the honesty we both have with each other, its something I never doubt.

I've also posted about frustrations with my job. The last week or so has been fine- someone else has come back into the picture and is helping sort some things out. But there are still kinks in the system.

We offer a 24 hour on call emergency service. We have drivers assigned to be on call on the weekends (I am one of them) but we have never had it stated who is to take the call when someone calls during the week. Last night, a patient called, and his cousin's (also a patient) suction machine took a fall, and the collection canister broke. This is not the kind of machine you want to break, especially for this patient. The call came in at 4:30- our regular delivery driver had already gone home, and had plans for that evening. Our pharmacist, the next person to usually take it, had IVs to fill, and another job to go to that he was already half an hour late for. I had a test in class, that I did not have the time to make up if I missed it. (I already have to try to figure out how to make up the test I have to miss tomorrow night because of the conference they are sending me to.) The other availible person could not take it because "I've only been there once before and I don't want to get lost."

Well, I had never been there before at all. Yes, had. My test started at 6:30, so they felt I had enough time to get there and back in time. WRONG! I left by five, to go to a town usually about 45 minutes away, but during rush hour, it didn't take 45 minutes to get there. It took at least an hour. Once at the patient's house, I could not just drop the canister and run, I had to make sure it was in fact the right item (which I had done over the phone before I left, but not all people are extremely clear in what they want- this guy was) and make sure some of the other items were functioning properly before I could leave. Between checking everything out and driving back to town, it was at least another hour. From town, another 20 minute drive to school and a 10 minute walk to class. I was an hour late to class, and nearly missed the test. I had informed my teacher of the situation before I left for the house, but any other teacher would not have let me in. I got lucky- my teacher let me come in and take the test, an hour late.

They're going to talk more today about what to do during the week for call, and I have bad news for them. I have three night classes during the week. School is slightly more important than work to me right now, especially when I have a test! Three nights means homework, which I do not always have time to do on the weekends. I volunteered to take call on the weekends, because someone else is not always able to do so for reasons I won't mention because they will only frustrate me more. I was being helpful. Weekends are easy. During the week, possibly having to miss a lecture or a test is not acceptable to me. I'm not covering for anyone else but myself.

The person who couldn't go because she hadn't been there but once before is also the person I am going to the conference with this weekdend. I'm hoping I can let go of this frustration before then- especially if they didn't book us seperate rooms. grrr....

Anyway, I have a short errand to run before work this morning, and I need to get moving...

Long talk...

I'm having a hard time trying to decide how to start this... I have something I need to get off my chest, even though I did a fairly good job of it last night.

Neil and I have been together two and a half years, and are still going strong. We have talked about religion, finances, kids, moving out of state, jobs, school, etc. We both agree we would like to get married, settle down and have kids, and we both agree that it is not an immediate desire.

We are also both kid crazy. We have a few friends/family who have had kids or are starting their families, and we spend time with them every now and then to get our "kid fix." And while we agree we definitely want to have kids after we are married, we end up talking about kids more often than we talk about getting married, or what more we need to do before we make it official.

Neil is eager. The excitement in his voice makes me feel like he wants to start a family now. But if I bring up getting married, he clams up... It seems more often than not, its okay to talk about what we're going to do after getting married, but its not okay to talk about actually getting married.

To me, if we can talk about one, we should be able to talk about the other. Last night, I got upset. Now, I trust that Neil will propose and we will marry when we are ready, and I trust his judgement. But, like I am, I already have a date picked out in my head. Last night, he started talking about babies, and how nice it would be to have one, so I made a mistake and mentioned the date... Not a demand, just a thought to see if it might possibly match the timeline in his head. He wouldn't confirm or deny it. Him not wanting to talk about it, but being able to talk about the kids we want to have after we get married hurt my feelings... Its okay to talk about all the kids we want to have, but not the actual wedding? I don't think so.

I talked to him about it, and I've made it clear I'm not trying to pressure him. I trust his timeline, and know that we still have other things we want to do. But some kind of timeline would be nice to keep in my head, and he won't give me any sort of one. I'm not saying we need to get engaged right now or tomorrow, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Especially since we have not only talked about having kids and getting married, but which month we would like to get married in- just not the year.

My conclusion is that if we are not planning on getting engaged anytime soon, we need to stop talking about the kids. I can't handle it, without having a date in mind to look forward to. The date I had in mind is over a year from now, so I thought no big deal. And its just an idea- the date would be our four year anniversary- not a short amount of time to date someone before getting married (I know, people have gone longer and its not the end of the world). We both also agree we want to wait a few years after getting married to have kids, and look forward to starting our family togethter, but it doesn't make sense to me that it is okay to talk about one thing, and not the other.

It hurts. The more we talk about kids the more excited we both get, and the sooner we want it to happen- therefore the sooner I get to hoping we'll get married. My desire to discuss that further has nothing to do with wanting to get married even within the next year, but to know that it will happen maybe within two. If that is not even open for discussion, then I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about the kids just yet either. Getting married is one thing, but being able to carry a child for him is an experience I cannot even imagine...

In the meantime, I'm going to take a walk, say a prayer and dry my tears. Thanks for listening.