All things considered

Yankee Gray came out with a song a few years ago that I really loved. "All things considered" Fits for me right now, and this is why...
"

All things considered I'm doin' just fine even though
You left a hole the size of texas deep inside of my heart
The way I feel I should be losing my mind
But all things considered
I'm doin' just fine

Woke up this morning to the sound of you slammin' the door
I got served a piece of paper for breakfast that said
You don't live here no more
And the dog won't let me pet him, he just lays around
And growls at my feet
And the paper boy forgot me again
I should have stayed in bed asleep

All things considered I'm doin' just fine even though
You left a hole the size of texas deep inside of my heart
The way I feel I should be losing my mind
But all things considered
I'm doin' just fine

Well my car broke down again right before it ran out of gas
Yeah my boss is still ringing in my head
One more time and your out on your...yeah
Well I cant wait till that five o clock whistle blows
So I can sit in traffic all day
And end up going home alone"


Okay, so some of it doesn't fit- I don't have a dog, and Neil and I didn't live together and I didn't get a piece of paper and I was the one who slammed the door (then sped up the driveway and to my dad's house).... But a) All things considered, I am doing just fine and b) its a really upbeat song. LOL

Its amazing what a deep breath will do too. Between last night and tonight, I think I've made major progress. And its nice to cry less and less every day. But back to the progress. I've stopped thinking about how sad I am, because every time I get sad I try instead to focus on the thought that if Neil and I aren't meant to be together, then there's got to be someone else out there better than him. While I can't imagine it now, there has to be. Which is something to look forward to. And every time I miss him I am turning intead to thanks. I'm so thankful that we got to do this, or go here, or , or, or. We're not ending on bad terms, we agree we would like to be friends, but need time apart right now before we can get to the point we can be friends. We still talk if we need to, and its not that we hate each other. And I just forgot what I was going to say. Oh. While I hate knowing that he's hurting too, it helps to know that he is sad, because I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart. I wish it didn't hurt for either of us, but its kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one who's missing something, that he does still care, and its not the end of the world because we will both be okay, and we will be friends and still have good times together. Eventually.

I sent his mom a thank you card Friday. I didn't tell her we had broken up, but I wanted to thank her for everything that she's done for me, Neil or both of us together, and all the time we've spent. I am not on bad terms with Neil, I don't want to be with any of his family either. And I do understand that we might never talk again, but that's exactly why I wanted to thank her why I could. She e mailed me back, is sorry, and wants to get together when she comes into town next. Which also made me feel better- even if we don't end up going out to lunch or dinner together, whatever, she responded, and doesn't want to never hear from me again. I love that, because I do feel like I'm losing Neil's family too, and its hard for after this long (even though three years is not that long in the whole scheme of things) to just suddenly have it end and never talk to them again you know?

I'm rambling. And, I don't feel like I am making much sense. But aside from being thankful, one of the other things I am working on doing, is just letting go... I'll think of something and say to myself "I'm letting go of this..." and naming something, then taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly... I'm not perfect but all of this helps me keep the positive outlook I need to to get through this and not wallow in the pain. I can't allow myself to do that at all, and so far this is working for me. Good enough for now.

Anyway. Its fairly late. I'm tired. Not sure how well I will sleep, but would like to find out.