Long talk...

I'm having a hard time trying to decide how to start this... I have something I need to get off my chest, even though I did a fairly good job of it last night.

Neil and I have been together two and a half years, and are still going strong. We have talked about religion, finances, kids, moving out of state, jobs, school, etc. We both agree we would like to get married, settle down and have kids, and we both agree that it is not an immediate desire.

We are also both kid crazy. We have a few friends/family who have had kids or are starting their families, and we spend time with them every now and then to get our "kid fix." And while we agree we definitely want to have kids after we are married, we end up talking about kids more often than we talk about getting married, or what more we need to do before we make it official.

Neil is eager. The excitement in his voice makes me feel like he wants to start a family now. But if I bring up getting married, he clams up... It seems more often than not, its okay to talk about what we're going to do after getting married, but its not okay to talk about actually getting married.

To me, if we can talk about one, we should be able to talk about the other. Last night, I got upset. Now, I trust that Neil will propose and we will marry when we are ready, and I trust his judgement. But, like I am, I already have a date picked out in my head. Last night, he started talking about babies, and how nice it would be to have one, so I made a mistake and mentioned the date... Not a demand, just a thought to see if it might possibly match the timeline in his head. He wouldn't confirm or deny it. Him not wanting to talk about it, but being able to talk about the kids we want to have after we get married hurt my feelings... Its okay to talk about all the kids we want to have, but not the actual wedding? I don't think so.

I talked to him about it, and I've made it clear I'm not trying to pressure him. I trust his timeline, and know that we still have other things we want to do. But some kind of timeline would be nice to keep in my head, and he won't give me any sort of one. I'm not saying we need to get engaged right now or tomorrow, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Especially since we have not only talked about having kids and getting married, but which month we would like to get married in- just not the year.

My conclusion is that if we are not planning on getting engaged anytime soon, we need to stop talking about the kids. I can't handle it, without having a date in mind to look forward to. The date I had in mind is over a year from now, so I thought no big deal. And its just an idea- the date would be our four year anniversary- not a short amount of time to date someone before getting married (I know, people have gone longer and its not the end of the world). We both also agree we want to wait a few years after getting married to have kids, and look forward to starting our family togethter, but it doesn't make sense to me that it is okay to talk about one thing, and not the other.

It hurts. The more we talk about kids the more excited we both get, and the sooner we want it to happen- therefore the sooner I get to hoping we'll get married. My desire to discuss that further has nothing to do with wanting to get married even within the next year, but to know that it will happen maybe within two. If that is not even open for discussion, then I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about the kids just yet either. Getting married is one thing, but being able to carry a child for him is an experience I cannot even imagine...

In the meantime, I'm going to take a walk, say a prayer and dry my tears. Thanks for listening.