Tuesday, April 11, 2006


The best has yet to come
I can see the greatness before me
And I wait patiently with open arms

If you are too blind to see
The wonderful surrounding me
I am sorry to say it is your loss my friend

I have never been the one
To hold a grudge, even when I should
And I tell you now, honestly

All I have ever wanted is for
You to live happily
And now, for you to see me at my brightest shining hour

The blue sky may not show through the clouds today
But I know it is there
And if it does not show tomorrow, it will another day

In the meantime
I will spend my time
With those who see and love me for me

Looking back only to reminisce
Fondly, the memories
Living a life without regrets

No longer weighed down by what cannot be
Should never be
I stand tall knowing that I am no worse for the wear

Drawing closer only the select few
Who can see me truly shine
Blissfully happy at last.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Okay, okay, okay...

I have been horrible at posting lately- but don't worry, its not you. Its me. Its definitely me. Maybe things have been going so great lately that I just don't care. Okay, that's not right. I care. I care more than ever, because I'm happier than I have seriously been in years. Years. Since my best friend died. I just don't have a lot to say... most days.

Horrible of me, I know, but I am resorting to posting a survey. hehe...

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? We have some blue glass plates, and a bunch of cream plates with a blue and green border. Plain, but free. :D

WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Absolute Instinct (I forget who the author is) and my EMT text book.

What's ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse! Haha…

FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Ah.. I’d rather play Shanghi rummy.

LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Let me tell you once I get in the EMT field!

Already? Darn. Now, how much longer can I get away with sleeping in.

FAVORITE COLORS? Black, dark pink (never thought I’d ever say that) and purple

LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Yellow- unless its found in nature.




DO YOU LIKE THUNDER STORMS? Wish California got more of them!

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? My lovely 1994 Honda Accord Ex Sedan. Manual transmission. Had her for almost 3 years, and need to have the brakes and tires checked/replaced.

WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Sagittarius

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Broccoli and cauliflower.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I’ll tell you when I figure that out!

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Hmm.. a little bit darker than my own, with more red

FAVORITE TV Shows? Friends, That 70s Show, Law and Order, Family Guy and almost any of the shows on the Discovery Health Channel (in no particular order)

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES? Yesterday afternoon- Failure to Launch!

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Shoes. And carpet.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 5 o’clock is nice. 8 is my favorite number.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? FOOTBALL!!!! Can’t wait for it to start. And Volleyball.

YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN? Physical- getting out of a car and hurting my back (no idea how that happened.. but I cried.) and or breaking my toe- at least I’m pretty sure it was broken

KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Barbeque sauce. ;) or Ketchup…


WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Pretty much all but summer.

THE BEST PLACES THAT YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? Best. Any place my family has been and we have had an awesome time. :D More specific? I’d like to go back to Montana, Oregon, and Texas.


WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Black slacks, black shell, and a lavender cardigan.


Monday, March 13, 2006

Raw onions...

Don't like 'em, never have. Cook 'em and I love 'em. No problem.

Its amazing how time, positive thinking, and a good and honest friend can change one. That one, is me, and the changes are for the better.

I'm letting go of things/people that aren't worth my time. I'm letting go because some of those people, no matter how great that voice in the back of my head says they may be, really aren't that great, at least not right now and how they're acting and treating me. I deserve better. So, I'm keeping my head up, and walking forward.

Everything is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Sure, there are a few things I need to do, and a few things I have on my mind, but I don't let them weigh me down. The only thing that even begins to...

Last Sunday (the 5th) a lady that used to babysit me was in a car accident with her daughter, who is named after me. The daughter is in critical condition at UC Davis in Sacramento. She's on a ventilator, in a coma, and while she's made it through the first critical 72 hours and even though progress was mentioned for the first time Friday, there is still a big chance that she might not make it and pull through. Her mom is sore, and still in shock at the whole thing, but otherwise fine. Most of the family has a positive outlook. In fact, her Grandpa and I were talking Saturday night, and were in agreement that standing at Jamie's bedside, we were overcome by a positive feeling that everything is going to be okay. Now, I admit that I'm not sure if that is because she's in God's hands and everything will be okay and she'll make a full recovery, or if its because she's in God's hands, and going home soon.

I've known the family my whole life, and my heart goes out to them right now. Jamie's uncle had to go back to work today- when he has stayed at the hospital or 2 blocks away in a hotel for the last week. Her grandparents flew back to Ohio yesterday morning, when they have been doing the same- staying at the hospital or 2 blocks away in the hotel. While I can't imagine going home and leaving a granddaughter in the hospital, I know what it is like to have to go home when a loved one is in the hospital- not knowing if it is the last time you will see her alive. I pray no one else ever has to deal with that- its not a good feeling.

We feel bad, going back to "normal" but know that there is nothing beyond prayer that we can do. If we all stayed at the hospital we would lose our jobs, and would be able to do even less. I've extended an offer to stay with the mom overnight, and was told I helped out a ton by staying with the family as long as I did... I was there from Saturday afternoon, I think around 3, to 3 Sunday morning. We reminisced about old times, had some good laughs, and caught up. It always amazes me that people can go without talking often for years, and then when something happens, its like nothing has changed at all- It makes you think about the people that care for you that you don't realize even remember your name. Wow...

I still don't know the extent of Jamie's injuries. Right now they're just trying to keep the pressure in her brain down. Once that is under control, they'll start addressing everything else they've had to put aside for now. Its hard for me to think that someone so young (she and her identical twin are 14) with so much ahead of them is going through all this- and that she might not make it. But like I said, we all have a positive feeling that everything will be okay. Its more than just a positive thought process- standing at her bedside, it was a feeling. And I know with the support they have, her family will be okay too.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


That’s my conclusion. My dreams are weird.

I had a dream last week that I was going to Mexico with a few friends, including one from my EMT class. In the dream, I somehow missed the bus, and was going to take that friend from my EMT class’ car. BUT! The car wasn’t the car he has now- it was a different car, and would get me down to my group fast. Last night, I learned the car he lent me in my dream was the same car he used to have but sold a while back… And I absolutely did not know that before the dream. I could have dreamed any other car- there are a few faster that I like a lot more, but no. Instead, I dream of a car I later find out he owned… Weird.

In the same dream, the friend who’s car I was going to borrow kept sending me pictures of candy from the factory the group had to go to- for no reason. And it wasn’t even good candy- it was the cruddy candy that few people eat… But he kept sending these pictures to my cell phone…

The night before that dream, I had a dream that I was at my grandma’s house (Grandma N) and my other grandpa kept passing out, but when he passed out, he would mimic a movement of someone sitting next to him- at the table eating, or taking a drink. Except he was in the old leather recliner (sits right next to the table), and we knew he was dying. For some reason, I kept asking my mom if she had taken his blood pressure yet… Weird.

At my cousin’s house this weekend, I had a dream that a friend and I went bowling (which I love) then were working on a crossword puzzle (which I hate), except our faces were touching the paper- otherwise we couldn’t read it. Both of our faces on the same page…

Maybe its just me.

I think I’m going to skip Ceramics class tonight. I found out yesterday morning that a close family friend was in a bad car accident Sunday afternoon, and her daughter is in the hospital in critical condition. Okay, so maybe our families aren’t as close anymore, but I still want to be supportive and do what I can. The poor girl is only 13. And I don’t know what’s going on with her besides that she’s in critical condition. But we shall see…

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Its been a while...

fterI didn't realize it has been so long since I've posted on here... Wow...

But I made it... I went to go see my cousin Amanda today, and I made it out there Friday night and back home tonight without getting lost! Yahoo!

Anyway. I should be studying. So I'm going to get to it... :D

1) Who is the last person you high-fived?Wow. I don’t remember.
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?Good question. I would give my life so a fellow soldier could go home to his/her family.
3) Do you sleep with the tv on?I don’t even have a TV in my room anymore. But no, the light bugs me.
4) Have you ever drank milk straight from the carton?The little cartons from a cafeteria yes.
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?Only in a class.
6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?Yes ma’am
7) How fast can you type?I don’t count.
8)Are you afraid of the dark?Not afraid of the dark, wary of what lurks in it… But that happens when you have a bad experience in the dark…
9) Eye color?brown
10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?no
11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?Not since I lived in Oregon
12) Do you knock on wood?Yes
13) Do you floss daily?Working on that
14) Do you wanna Fanta?NO
15) Can you hoola hoop?Not for long
16) Are you good at keeping secrets?Currently keeping a few of my own. :D so Yes.
17) What do you want for Christmas?I’m going to leave out my first answer for the second- my family to be together.
18) Do you know the Muffin Man?I am the muffan woman.
19) Do you talk in your sleep?Not recently, to my knowledge.
20) Who wrote the book on love?Not me.. That’s for sure.
21) Have you ever flown a kite?yes
22) Do you wish on your fallen lashes?Used to, but not recently
23) Do you consider yourself successful?Depends on the subject
24) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?The Rock is cooking… that’s interesting.
25) Have you ever asked for a pony?not that I can remember
26) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs??no, but I would be a surrogate mother if the right person asked.
27) Can you juggle?inanimate objects? Not lately.
28) Missing someone now?was never mine to miss.
29) Are you ready to rumble?not right now, but ask me again tomorrow after study group… LOL
30) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?nope
31) How do you spell relief?S-L-E-E-P. And lots of it… (maybe that’s my problem. Haha)
32) Have you ever crawled through a window?probably
33) Have you ever eaten dog food?No, but I know a few people who have
34) Can you handle the truth?Of course I can handle the truth. I just prefer to be told and not assume for myself.
35) Do you like green eggs and ham??I love eggs… As long as they’re not rotten, or cold.
[Parents still together]No. divorced about 11 years go, last month.
[Siblings]2 brothers, 2 step brothers, all married (well one is divorcing his wife…)
[Pets]my betta Charlotte
[Color]dark red, black, purple…
[Animal]chimpanzee or turtle
[Soda]depends on the time of day.
[flower]roses, tulips and poppies
[Color your hair?]have a few times in my lifetime, so yes
[Twirl your hair]sometimes
[Like roller coasters?]me + roller coaster = not a good idea
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]Every Day.[
Own a web cam?]no[
Know how to drive?]My car, your car and my golf clubs- YES
[Own a cell phone?]yes
[Ever get off the computer?]Try to. When I’m not stalking someone. (*kidding*)
[Current clothing]black jeans and a purple shirt
[Current mood]let’s not go there.
[Current taste]popcorn.
[What you currently smell like]the lotion I put on this morning
[Current hair]up… out of the way
.[Current thing I ought to be doing]?studying for my EMT class, or sleeping
[Current cd in stereo]CD in my CDROM- the CD from my EMT book stereo in my room- none in my car?- 2 cd combo… take a wild guess. At work? Frank Sinatra baby… oh yeah
[book you read]EMT book
[Last movie you saw]How to Lose a Guy in 10 days.
[Last thing you ate]popcorn.
[Last person you called]My mom. :D
[Last person you saw]my roommate Layce

Sunday, February 26, 2006

So... There's this guy...

Last weekend, I posted something on my other blog, out of aggrivation because this guy said he would call me, but hadn't, turns out he couldn't, and I got a little upset because I felt like he was leading me on. So a friend from my EMT class posted a comment about the first guy being a boy, and me needing a man. After I found out what happened, I deleted the blog, therefore deleting the comment. But between now and then, the second guy and I have talked a couple of times, established that he's supposedly a man (based soley on the fact that he said he was, meaning he would call a girl if he told her he would call her), that he wants a girlfriend, and that I wouldn't mind a man, but don't need one. Monday night, we were the only two in our lab group that wanted to get together and study- so we did. It was great. Two friends and fellow students, talking and studying. Nothing more. Wednesday night when we were leaving class, I told him to call me this weekend if he wanted to do something- whether it was studying, or just hanging out. He said he would. He hasn't. I'm laughing.

I had a great, boy-free, weekend, and find it only ironic that he said what he said and is doing the exact opposite. It just makes me laugh. Growing up with my two brothers, I am a little more comfortable around guys than I am girls, but right now it also gets awkward. Having been with Neil for as long as I was, I was always cautious not to give the wrong impression or cross any lines. I never thought about guys in my classes, or what we talked about, if we talked at all. Now, I cant tell if someone is being nice, or maybe likes me. On one hand, I don't care, but on the other, its always nice to have a little extra attention! And lately, feeling as great about myself as I have been, its nicer to be complimented and know that other people see what I both feel and think of myself. I've lost weight, I'm happy, and it shows. I love it.

Anyway. I'm going to go study... Need to get my "skills" down so I can ace the class- we got surprised Wednesday night and now my grade is a lot lower than I would like it to be. Hopefully, that can be fixed soon enough!

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Want and need are two very different words
That this young woman striving for independence will not confuse
Though I will say I do want what you said I need.

My heart having been broken a few times before
I hate picking myself up off of the floor,
So next time around I’ll count only on myself.

Work towards my own dreams, whatever they may be
Knowing that one day all of the pieces of this puzzle called life
Will fall into place, when the time is truly right.

Though proud of how far I have come,
I know I still have a way to go
And I look forward to the opportunities ahead.

Comfortable at last with what I have become,
Proud that the woman within me
Is finally speaking over the giddy girl

Hoping that this time I will do it right
While eager to learn, this time
I will guard my heart.

I will tread more carefully
In satisfying my insatiable appetite of curiosity
The woman once again, overruling the notion of diving right in.

Wanting the fairy tale, countless thoughts race through my mind
Silence leaving me lost in endless wonder
Patience, a never ending lesson I have yet to master

I stand tall, grateful for every lesson that I learn
Knowing that I will be even stronger tomorrow and
One day closer to fulfilling my dreams.

I take a deep breath of cool, crisp air, smile,
Close my eyes and sit back to dream a while
Looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead.