Don't look now but...

Fitting...

2006-04-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

The best has yet to come
I can see the greatness before me
And I wait patiently with open arms

If you are too blind to see
The wonderful surrounding me
I am sorry to say it is your loss my friend

I have never been the one
To hold a grudge, even when I should
And I tell you now, honestly

All I have ever wanted is for
You to live happily
And now, for you to see me at my brightest shining hour

The blue sky may not show through the clouds today
But I know it is there
And if it does not show tomorrow, it will another day

In the meantime
I will spend my time
With those who see and love me for me

Looking back only to reminisce
Fondly, the memories
Living a life without regrets

No longer weighed down by what cannot be
Should never be
I stand tall knowing that I am no worse for the wear

Drawing closer only the select few
Who can see me truly shine
Blissfully happy at last.

Okay, okay, okay...

2006-03-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

I have been horrible at posting lately- but don't worry, its not you. Its me. Its definitely me. Maybe things have been going so great lately that I just don't care. Okay, that's not right. I care. I care more than ever, because I'm happier than I have seriously been in years. Years. Since my best friend died. I just don't have a lot to say... most days.

Horrible of me, I know, but I am resorting to posting a survey. hehe...

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? We have some blue glass plates, and a bunch of cream plates with a blue and green border. Plain, but free. :D

WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Absolute Instinct (I forget who the author is) and my EMT text book.

What's ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse! Haha…

FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Ah.. I’d rather play Shanghi rummy.

LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Let me tell you once I get in the EMT field!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Already? Darn. Now, how much longer can I get away with sleeping in.

FAVORITE COLORS? Black, dark pink (never thought I’d ever say that) and purple

LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Yellow- unless its found in nature.

HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? My phone ring is a song :D

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Both.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Yes.

DO YOU LIKE THUNDER STORMS? Wish California got more of them!

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? My lovely 1994 Honda Accord Ex Sedan. Manual transmission. Had her for almost 3 years, and need to have the brakes and tires checked/replaced.

WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Sagittarius

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Broccoli and cauliflower.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I’ll tell you when I figure that out!

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Hmm.. a little bit darker than my own, with more red

FAVORITE TV Shows? Friends, That 70s Show, Law and Order, Family Guy and almost any of the shows on the Discovery Health Channel (in no particular order)

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES? Yesterday afternoon- Failure to Launch!

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Shoes. And carpet.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 5 o’clock is nice. 8 is my favorite number.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? FOOTBALL!!!! Can’t wait for it to start. And Volleyball.

YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN? Physical- getting out of a car and hurting my back (no idea how that happened.. but I cried.) and or breaking my toe- at least I’m pretty sure it was broken

KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Barbeque sauce. ;) or Ketchup…

HAMBURGER OR HOT DOGS? CHEESE burger.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Pretty much all but summer.

THE BEST PLACES THAT YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? Best. Any place my family has been and we have had an awesome time. :D More specific? I’d like to go back to Montana, Oregon, and Texas.

WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER? Some weird ball thingy

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Black slacks, black shell, and a lavender cardigan.

WHAT IS YOUR BIRTH NAME? Jamie Lee.

Raw onions...

2006-03-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

Don't like 'em, never have. Cook 'em and I love 'em. No problem.

Its amazing how time, positive thinking, and a good and honest friend can change one. That one, is me, and the changes are for the better.

I'm letting go of things/people that aren't worth my time. I'm letting go because some of those people, no matter how great that voice in the back of my head says they may be, really aren't that great, at least not right now and how they're acting and treating me. I deserve better. So, I'm keeping my head up, and walking forward.

Everything is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Sure, there are a few things I need to do, and a few things I have on my mind, but I don't let them weigh me down. The only thing that even begins to...

Last Sunday (the 5th) a lady that used to babysit me was in a car accident with her daughter, who is named after me. The daughter is in critical condition at UC Davis in Sacramento. She's on a ventilator, in a coma, and while she's made it through the first critical 72 hours and even though progress was mentioned for the first time Friday, there is still a big chance that she might not make it and pull through. Her mom is sore, and still in shock at the whole thing, but otherwise fine. Most of the family has a positive outlook. In fact, her Grandpa and I were talking Saturday night, and were in agreement that standing at Jamie's bedside, we were overcome by a positive feeling that everything is going to be okay. Now, I admit that I'm not sure if that is because she's in God's hands and everything will be okay and she'll make a full recovery, or if its because she's in God's hands, and going home soon.

I've known the family my whole life, and my heart goes out to them right now. Jamie's uncle had to go back to work today- when he has stayed at the hospital or 2 blocks away in a hotel for the last week. Her grandparents flew back to Ohio yesterday morning, when they have been doing the same- staying at the hospital or 2 blocks away in the hotel. While I can't imagine going home and leaving a granddaughter in the hospital, I know what it is like to have to go home when a loved one is in the hospital- not knowing if it is the last time you will see her alive. I pray no one else ever has to deal with that- its not a good feeling.

We feel bad, going back to "normal" but know that there is nothing beyond prayer that we can do. If we all stayed at the hospital we would lose our jobs, and would be able to do even less. I've extended an offer to stay with the mom overnight, and was told I helped out a ton by staying with the family as long as I did... I was there from Saturday afternoon, I think around 3, to 3 Sunday morning. We reminisced about old times, had some good laughs, and caught up. It always amazes me that people can go without talking often for years, and then when something happens, its like nothing has changed at all- It makes you think about the people that care for you that you don't realize even remember your name. Wow...

I still don't know the extent of Jamie's injuries. Right now they're just trying to keep the pressure in her brain down. Once that is under control, they'll start addressing everything else they've had to put aside for now. Its hard for me to think that someone so young (she and her identical twin are 14) with so much ahead of them is going through all this- and that she might not make it. But like I said, we all have a positive feeling that everything will be okay. Its more than just a positive thought process- standing at her bedside, it was a feeling. And I know with the support they have, her family will be okay too.

Weird.

2006-03-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

That’s my conclusion. My dreams are weird.

I had a dream last week that I was going to Mexico with a few friends, including one from my EMT class. In the dream, I somehow missed the bus, and was going to take that friend from my EMT class’ car. BUT! The car wasn’t the car he has now- it was a different car, and would get me down to my group fast. Last night, I learned the car he lent me in my dream was the same car he used to have but sold a while back… And I absolutely did not know that before the dream. I could have dreamed any other car- there are a few faster that I like a lot more, but no. Instead, I dream of a car I later find out he owned… Weird.

In the same dream, the friend who’s car I was going to borrow kept sending me pictures of candy from the factory the group had to go to- for no reason. And it wasn’t even good candy- it was the cruddy candy that few people eat… But he kept sending these pictures to my cell phone…

The night before that dream, I had a dream that I was at my grandma’s house (Grandma N) and my other grandpa kept passing out, but when he passed out, he would mimic a movement of someone sitting next to him- at the table eating, or taking a drink. Except he was in the old leather recliner (sits right next to the table), and we knew he was dying. For some reason, I kept asking my mom if she had taken his blood pressure yet… Weird.

At my cousin’s house this weekend, I had a dream that a friend and I went bowling (which I love) then were working on a crossword puzzle (which I hate), except our faces were touching the paper- otherwise we couldn’t read it. Both of our faces on the same page…

Maybe its just me.

I think I’m going to skip Ceramics class tonight. I found out yesterday morning that a close family friend was in a bad car accident Sunday afternoon, and her daughter is in the hospital in critical condition. Okay, so maybe our families aren’t as close anymore, but I still want to be supportive and do what I can. The poor girl is only 13. And I don’t know what’s going on with her besides that she’s in critical condition. But we shall see…

Its been a while...

2006-03-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

fterI didn't realize it has been so long since I've posted on here... Wow...

But I made it... I went to go see my cousin Amanda today, and I made it out there Friday night and back home tonight without getting lost! Yahoo!

Anyway. I should be studying. So I'm going to get to it... :D

1) Who is the last person you high-fived?Wow. I don’t remember.
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?Good question. I would give my life so a fellow soldier could go home to his/her family.
3) Do you sleep with the tv on?I don’t even have a TV in my room anymore. But no, the light bugs me.
4) Have you ever drank milk straight from the carton?The little cartons from a cafeteria yes.
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee?Only in a class.
6) Have you ever been stung by a bee?Yes ma’am
7) How fast can you type?I don’t count.
8)Are you afraid of the dark?Not afraid of the dark, wary of what lurks in it… But that happens when you have a bad experience in the dark…
9) Eye color?brown
10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?no
11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?Not since I lived in Oregon
12) Do you knock on wood?Yes
13) Do you floss daily?Working on that
14) Do you wanna Fanta?NO
15) Can you hoola hoop?Not for long
16) Are you good at keeping secrets?Currently keeping a few of my own. :D so Yes.
17) What do you want for Christmas?I’m going to leave out my first answer for the second- my family to be together.
18) Do you know the Muffin Man?I am the muffan woman.
19) Do you talk in your sleep?Not recently, to my knowledge.
20) Who wrote the book on love?Not me.. That’s for sure.
21) Have you ever flown a kite?yes
22) Do you wish on your fallen lashes?Used to, but not recently
23) Do you consider yourself successful?Depends on the subject
24) Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?The Rock is cooking… that’s interesting.
25) Have you ever asked for a pony?not that I can remember
26) Have you, or would you ever, donate sperm/eggs??no, but I would be a surrogate mother if the right person asked.
27) Can you juggle?inanimate objects? Not lately.
28) Missing someone now?was never mine to miss.
29) Are you ready to rumble?not right now, but ask me again tomorrow after study group… LOL
30) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?nope
31) How do you spell relief?S-L-E-E-P. And lots of it… (maybe that’s my problem. Haha)
32) Have you ever crawled through a window?probably
33) Have you ever eaten dog food?No, but I know a few people who have
34) Can you handle the truth?Of course I can handle the truth. I just prefer to be told and not assume for myself.
35) Do you like green eggs and ham??I love eggs… As long as they’re not rotten, or cold.
[Parents still together]No. divorced about 11 years go, last month.
[Siblings]2 brothers, 2 step brothers, all married (well one is divorcing his wife…)
[Pets]my betta Charlotte
[Color]dark red, black, purple…
[Number]8
[Animal]chimpanzee or turtle
[Drinks]haha
[Soda]depends on the time of day.
[flower]roses, tulips and poppies
DO YOU
[Color your hair?]have a few times in my lifetime, so yes
[Twirl your hair]sometimes
[Like roller coasters?]me + roller coaster = not a good idea
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]Every Day.[
Own a web cam?]no[
Know how to drive?]My car, your car and my golf clubs- YES
[Own a cell phone?]yes
[Ever get off the computer?]Try to. When I’m not stalking someone. (*kidding*)
CURRENTS...
[Current clothing]black jeans and a purple shirt
[Current mood]let’s not go there.
[Current taste]popcorn.
[What you currently smell like]the lotion I put on this morning
[Current hair]up… out of the way
.[Current thing I ought to be doing]?studying for my EMT class, or sleeping
[Current cd in stereo]CD in my CDROM- the CD from my EMT book stereo in my room- none in my car?- 2 cd combo… take a wild guess. At work? Frank Sinatra baby… oh yeah
[book you read]EMT book
[Last movie you saw]How to Lose a Guy in 10 days.
[Last thing you ate]popcorn.
[Last person you called]My mom. :D
[Last person you saw]my roommate Layce

So... There's this guy...

2006-02-26T19:03:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I posted something on my other blog, out of aggrivation because this guy said he would call me, but hadn't, turns out he couldn't, and I got a little upset because I felt like he was leading me on. So a friend from my EMT class posted a comment about the first guy being a boy, and me needing a man. After I found out what happened, I deleted the blog, therefore deleting the comment. But between now and then, the second guy and I have talked a couple of times, established that he's supposedly a man (based soley on the fact that he said he was, meaning he would call a girl if he told her he would call her), that he wants a girlfriend, and that I wouldn't mind a man, but don't need one. Monday night, we were the only two in our lab group that wanted to get together and study- so we did. It was great. Two friends and fellow students, talking and studying. Nothing more. Wednesday night when we were leaving class, I told him to call me this weekend if he wanted to do something- whether it was studying, or just hanging out. He said he would. He hasn't. I'm laughing.

I had a great, boy-free, weekend, and find it only ironic that he said what he said and is doing the exact opposite. It just makes me laugh. Growing up with my two brothers, I am a little more comfortable around guys than I am girls, but right now it also gets awkward. Having been with Neil for as long as I was, I was always cautious not to give the wrong impression or cross any lines. I never thought about guys in my classes, or what we talked about, if we talked at all. Now, I cant tell if someone is being nice, or maybe likes me. On one hand, I don't care, but on the other, its always nice to have a little extra attention! And lately, feeling as great about myself as I have been, its nicer to be complimented and know that other people see what I both feel and think of myself. I've lost weight, I'm happy, and it shows. I love it.

Anyway. I'm going to go study... Need to get my "skills" down so I can ace the class- we got surprised Wednesday night and now my grade is a lot lower than I would like it to be. Hopefully, that can be fixed soon enough!

Progress...

2006-02-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

Want and need are two very different words
That this young woman striving for independence will not confuse
Though I will say I do want what you said I need.

My heart having been broken a few times before
I hate picking myself up off of the floor,
So next time around I’ll count only on myself.

Work towards my own dreams, whatever they may be
Knowing that one day all of the pieces of this puzzle called life
Will fall into place, when the time is truly right.

Though proud of how far I have come,
I know I still have a way to go
And I look forward to the opportunities ahead.

Comfortable at last with what I have become,
Proud that the woman within me
Is finally speaking over the giddy girl

Hoping that this time I will do it right
While eager to learn, this time
I will guard my heart.

I will tread more carefully
In satisfying my insatiable appetite of curiosity
The woman once again, overruling the notion of diving right in.

Wanting the fairy tale, countless thoughts race through my mind
Silence leaving me lost in endless wonder
Patience, a never ending lesson I have yet to master

I stand tall, grateful for every lesson that I learn
Knowing that I will be even stronger tomorrow and
One day closer to fulfilling my dreams.

I take a deep breath of cool, crisp air, smile,
Close my eyes and sit back to dream a while
Looking forward to the unknown that lies ahead.

sigh

2006-02-21T12:24:00.000-08:00

Question: How does one learn to love being alone when she loves to talk as much as I do?
My mind is filled with confusion right now.
All I really want right now is a friend. The ones that I have all have priorities and/or opportunities bigger than me.
Do I just need to learn to be a homebody and sit on my ass all weekend doing nothing? I don't have money to do a lot, but I love just hanging out and talking. That's all I really want. And I don't even need to talk. But having someone else around is nice.
Especially if it is someone I feel like I can make a difference with, even if it is just both of us having a great time goofing off or talking, whatever. Something, so when we part ways the person looks back and says, wow, that was cool, we need to do that again.
I'm not good with pretending I don't care. Because I do. Maybe that's my problem- I care too much. Can't spend that much time with me because you have too much else going on? I only care more, and want to help with whatever I can.
Okay so my thoughts behind that last comment go deeper than I'm letting on but...
Neil and I used to joke about having a "rewind" button, and when we couldn't see each other we would "rewind" in our minds to a time when we were together. Right now, I just want a "fast forward" button. Skip this crap and get on to a different day.
Meanwhile, I'm on to my closest comfort- although not as loud as I would like- that won't happen until I drive to class tonight- MUSIC!!!!
Today its the band Fall Out Boy
The song? Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year
"Are we growing up or just going down,
Its just a matter of time until we're all found out,
Take our tears and put them on ice,
I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light"

Have I mentioned yet that I am weird?

2006-02-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

I am. Really I am. I like being weird; like I told my cousin Amanda, it helps keep me entertained.

One of the reasons why I say I'm weird, is becoming more apparent as the semester continues. For four wheeks, and for tests in my EMT class, I have been the first student to finish the test. Not only was I the first student, I finish a good 5-10 minutes before everyone else. Each test. And I've managed to get Bs and an A on the tests! Which is pretty darn good, considering with a standard grade scale, I actually would have As. But they offset the grades to weed out the people who can't make the cut (you are dropped if at midterm you have less than 80% in the class) . Don't know why, but they do. My point? Bs aren't good enough. I want an A! Because I should have an A! I've studied hard, but am going to study harder. I've made flashcards, my lab group meets Mondays to study together, and dang it, I don't want a B. I haven't had a B at Sierra yet. I've had 2 Cs. But the rest have been As. I'll take a B, but I want an A. I'm determined. I'm going to study and study and study until I can't study anymore.

Think about it, I'm an EMT student! this can't be a bad thing. So I want to learn as much as I possibly can, because it will be someone else's life in my hands. Especially if I go on and become a paramedic. Which I am seriously considering, over nursing. But I am not ruling anything out right now. But dang it, I want that A.

There goes that...

2006-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post last night- thought it was going to be great. Just thought I'd check the page, and its not here! Bummer.. I'm too tired to remember what I wrote, so I'm going to turn back around and study for my EMT test tonight. And wait for Class tomorrow night. :D

Hmm

2006-02-14T23:12:00.000-08:00

I dressed up today. I did everything for myself today. I was late to work so I could get myself a yummy breakfast burrito, I went out to lunch with a friend, took Bryce to dinner, walked in late to class and got to see someone kinda go gaga... Oh that was nice. I feel great, I've lost weight and think I'm getting back to looking great, and it was nice to see that kind of a reaction. And then to have a more advanced student compliment my work! Wow. Somewhere along the lines, a guy at my table thought I said I was going on a hot date, so we had a good laugh cause I didn't! Hahah.. That's why I'm sitting here writing you. Well, that and I'm not tired enough to go to bed yet.
Supposedly, Ben was supposed to be promoted tonight, but Mom was tired and didn't answer the phone, so I left her a message. She had chemo today too, the poor thing. She sounded so tired when I called her to tell her Happy Valentine's day. I like knowing that she will be through with it all soon!
Anyway. I'm going to follow suit of my wonderful cousin Brenda, and leave you with some of my newly favorite lyrics. Fall Out Boy is the band, "Grand Theft Autumn/Where is your Boy?" is the song... I tell you, I listen to a lot of different music. Fall Out Boy is one of my new favorite bands.

Where is your boy tonight,
I hope he is a gentleman,
Maybe he won't find out what I know;
That you were the last good thing about this part of town.

I forgot...

2006-02-11T23:24:00.000-08:00

So I had this great post idea, and now I've forgotten what I was going to write about...

I hate it when that happens.

Ah hah! I'm kid crazy. The last few days, I want to be around kids. I want to play with them, hold them (babies.. ah....) and just be around them. Every kid I see at the mall, store, wherever I am, I want to play with. I called my friend Adam to see if he had his kids this weekend, and wanted to do something, but he hasn't called me back, and now the weekend is almost over... Hopefully I can see him soon- he's the only friend I have with kids!

My best friend Beth's older sister Jackie had her baby boy THursday night, and hopefully I'll see him when I go to Chico next weekend, but I need to get my oil changed first.

Which will be expensive- and I don't even know where to go. Neil had been putting synthetic oil in my car, and I've been told once you start using that, you're not supposed to go back to regular- it can mess your engine up? Ugh.. I'm anxious to get my taxes done and get my return though- because I want to put that money into work on my car...

Anyway. I'm going to go watch a movie and distract myself, hopefully fall asleep and wake up to go do "skills" tomorrow for my EMT class. I get to learn to take vitals etc. Yay! I'm so excited.

Oh and did I mention Wednesday night I got the highest score I've had in that class so far? And the test covered the most material we've had so far... Yay for me.

LOL Now I have to beat that score!

That darn brain of mine...

2006-02-09T12:23:00.000-08:00

I decided I was born with an active mind.

You might think this is a good thing, but right now I'm hating it.

Why? Because I can't stop thinking. And right now, I really really need to before I drive myself crazy.

You ever think of something you want/need to say to someone, and you can't stop thinking about it until you do? Yeah. That's happening to me every day. Multiple times a day. I can't get over it. So I turn my phone off. Gets better, but still drives me crazy. I listen to music, I vent to my friends, and nothing. My mind still runs ragged.

Don't shoot me- I'm dating someone. Now before you start saying its way too soon- know this- he's a really busy guy- I mean really busy. Which is perfect. 1) I shouldn't be spending all my time with someone besides myself right now 2) because he's busy, I can't! hahaha. I've also gotten to the point where I'm giving up on working for everyone else's approval, and doing what I need to do to keep myself happy. (I can't keep worrying about what I do making other people happy or unhappy... it stresses me out entirely too much, and since I've stopped, I've been a lot happier.) Which I have been. That also means I am completely comfortable dating this guy. My closest friends that know all the details are proud of me and say to just go for it and have fun. So I am. That's all there is to it.

But because I haven't been here before, I don't know what to expect, and my mind won't stop running. I'm filled with curiosity that is insatiable. Talk talk talk talk talk. I can't shut up. To anyone. I'm happy. When I'm happy, I want to talk. When I'm happy and want to talk, I want to talk to those I care most about or have the most fun around... I'm having a great day, so want to know how everyone else's day is going and if I can do anything for them.

Gah. I need a sedative for my mind. That's what I've decided. Listening to music, usual things I would do to keep my mind at rest/ease is no longer working. And I'm going crazy. er.

On another note, I got a 93% on my test last night. Which, isn't an A. Because of the requirements to pass the EMT course, I think the 93 is a B. Anything less than 80% overall is failing the class. So the percentages are offset. But that is the highest I've had on a test so far, and I'm proud of myself. I just need to work on getting even higher scores, so I can get an A. Interestingly enough, so far at Sierra, I've had As or Cs. (only 2 Cs, mind you.) No Bs. I don't want a B in this class, so I'm going to push myself as hard as I can to get the A. :D Nice to have goals to set. If I don't do it, I'll be fine, as long as I pass the National registry test at the end of the semester. I can't wait to have it over with, done, in the past, behind me.

Okay. I'm going to go attempt to stop thinking... About everything. Maybe a brisk walk will help clear my mind...

Just trying to forget

2006-02-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

So far, each day this week someone (both different people) have said something that has totally set me back. One had to do with work, and I did the best I could to brush it of, which is something that I feel I have done an extremely good job on. My old boss (a great guy I would love to work for again) said that is one thing I needed to work on- not letting people get to me. If he knew what was said, and what I did in reaction, he would be proud. The other had to do with Neil. I've moved on, I don't know about him, but right now honestly don't care. But someone close to us both hasn't accepted that its over and hopes that we'll get back together. And every time she says so, it turns my mood to somber. Not because I want it too, but because I hate that she's hurting.

I'm tired. I'm just trying to forget the things that have been said, and remember that because I'm tired, I might make a bigger deal of other things than I should. I have nothing to be upset about right now. I've been happier these last few months than I have few years, and I feel great about where I am at. I'm proud of myself, and how far I have come. Nothing to worry about at all. At least until I know how well I do on my EMT test tonight... LOL

I also realized I've lost more weight than I thought... I have about 5 belts- and not more than a month and a half ago, I borrowed my dad's puncher so I could put new holes in the belts and wear them smaller... Well, I added holes onto 2 belts, and am already using the smallest holes. About 4 inches less! So now, I need to replace those 2 belts, and I have another that is falling apart. On a scale at a friend's house Friday night, it said I'm down 20 pounds, so have about 10 more to go realistically, 20 ideally. But I'm halfway there... My friend Jaime and I are starting to walk every night (except Wednesdays) after work, and I'm also working on sit-ups etc. Its exciting to fit back into some of my old favorite clothes...

Money, I hate right now. I'm basically taking a cut because I'm no longer "on call" which is $200 less a month. That, I'm noticing already. It sucks. My car needs work, and there are other things I want to do that I might not be able to do- trips, things for myself, for other people, etc. I turned down a job offer at the pharmacy my roomate works at because it would be an even bigger cut in pay. But I'm trying to remember that my car is paid off, and as long as I can pay for utilities, rent, insurance, and my phone each month, as well as food, I'll be fine. Extras, I can live without. I just don't like it! Oh well- maybe I'll find something that pays more. Hopefully soon. I think that will be the final step I can take in moving on, even though I feel I've moved on as far as I can anyway. It will be a good thing though.

Speaking of moving on... I'll now be moving on to boring work. haha

Happy Birthday Sis...

2006-02-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

Because today, Tawnya would be 22, and I am in that sort of mood, I am addressing this to her...

Has it really been four years? I cannot believe its been four years. Almost. I guess there is still two weeks between now and the day you died, isn't there. Wow. Rachelle is going to be 13, and I bet you know how big she is now. Last I heard, she's been into volleyball at the middle school, but I've been horrible at keeping in touch with the family.
I said I wasn't going to let today bring me down. I said I wasn't going to cry... But I can't help but think of all the things you're missing, and all of us that are left here missing you. I guess I haven't thought of it in a while, and now that its your birthday, its all I can think of. It doesn't help that its that time again... you know.
I miss our inside jokes. I miss our songs. I miss camping, laughing, and picking on certain cowboys. I haven't had a friend, no, I haven't had a sister like you since, and I probably never will again. There's still a hole in my heart that hasn't completely healed.
Last year, on my way home, they played your and dad's song, and I had just requested one of ours- they played them back to back... I turned the stereo up, and just sang along. When I got home, I grabbed a drink, went to Dad, and toasted to you.
I have finally gotten past picking up the phone to call you when I want to talk to someone, but I haven't gotten past missing such a great friend. So much else has changed, its hard to know what to tell you. If you were standing in front of me, you would know. You were always able to read me, especially when no one else could.
Mom looks great. You should see her. You would be so proud of her. And Dad's back has gotten a lot better. Its still hard though, to go up to the house and see everyone. I haven't talked to them since before Christmas, and now there's even more to keep Mom updated on.
I am so glad that I was able to see you before you died. I know you heard me, even if you couldn't say anything back. I will always be thankful to my mom for making that trip happen. If not, I never would have been able to say goodbye. I wish I could have been there when you finally let go, but I know we will meet again. And we'll go back to the ocean, camp on the dunes, and have a nice long talk. That will be a great day... I love you.

It could be so much worse...

2006-02-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy right now...

Besides my head pounding, for the fourth day in a row, and having no money, I'm completely happy. I'm not sure I could be happier.

Sure, I lost what I thought was the love of my life not even a month ago, but honestly, I was crying about that for a week, and then I woke up and realized I've cried all the tears I could have cried and what is there to be sorry about? We didn't end on bad terms, still want to be friends, just not right now. We both have excellent futures ahead of us.

But looking back at all that has happened within the last year, I can't see anything but positives. I was put in an uncomfortable situation, but got myself out of it and now live in a great apartment in a decent and safe location with two awesome roomates who are completely mature and responsible, far beyond our years. My mom was diagnosed with a horrible form of cancer that has a high death rate, but it was caught earlier, and treated early, and she's doing great. She is a huge inspiration to me, and I know a lot of my own strength is thanks to her.

Yeah, my car needs a lot of work (almost needed more- I hit a ladder on the freeway on my way into work this morning, but no damage to my car- thankfully! *Thanks God, for watching over me there...*), I have a long way to go in school yet, my finances are out of wack and I thought I had these migranes undercontrol, but now I'm not so sure. But what can a girl do besides look at the positives. My car still runs, and should continue to do so for a while. I am not slacking off in school, and have a goal in sight that I'm working towards. And, while I've been hit with headaches since Saturday, they're not as bad as they were a few months ago, and I should be able to go to school tonight. More of an angry pain- you know, the kind that hurts, but not sharp and numbing enough to knock you down so you just get mad because you can't do anything
about it... I don't know if thats better or worse!

I am so proud of myself right now, that I can't be anything but happy. I have a hard time believing that I've gotten "over" Neil this fast, but the more I wonder if I am really "over" him, the more certain I am that I've truly gotten myself past it. Yeah, I still miss some of the things about our relationship, but I know that the reasons I've been happier these past few months than I have the past few years is not because I was with him, but because of who I've become. And who I am becoming still.

Score...

2006-01-30T12:40:00.000-08:00

Hah... I found out that in order to stay in my EMT class, I had to have my CPR for Basic Life Support with AED training renewed by this Wednesday, AND have 2 copies of proof of a negative PPD test, and proof of MMR vaccination, as well as a waiver for Hep B vaccinations since I haven't had that, and there isn't time to do it by Wednesday... Luckilly, the teacher set up a class Saturday for those of us who needed the BLS CPR recertified, and I took that Saturday and passed with flying colors. LOL I actually got to be dummy too.. But not for breathing. Someone asked for an example of the recovery position, so I got to be the victim and pushed around by 2 guys in my class. For some reason that is funny to me. But I'm crazy so...

I know tetanus has to be redone every 10 years, but didn't see anything on MMR and if that ever needs to be given again, or if once is enough- so I wrote the teacher, and once is enough. CPR? Check. Negative PPD? Check. MMR? Check. Waiver for Hep B? Check. Oh yeah baby. Count me in on the EMT course! Booyah...

This is the most strict class I know of with GPAs though- you have to have an 80% to pass, which is an excellent thing because really, you want people to know what they're doing, and restricting it by grades apparently helps. The instructor is totally cool too, and I can't wait for Wednesday night to learn more.

Which helps right now because I'm waiting for Tuesday too.. LOL yeah. Anwyay

Mom wrote me today and her CA125 is down to 11 now. Not a big drop from the last 14, but still a drop. I'm excited right now.

So.. My roomate had me talking to her manager about a job as a clerk at the pharmacy, but I thought about it more this weekend, and really can't take the cut they want me to take right now. Shelby said she'd love to have me work there because it would help her out and she knows I'd work my butt off like she does, but she doesn't want me to hate it and she really thinks I will. I totally trust and value her opinion (that seems like I spelt it wrong) so will call the manager tomorrow when she's in the pharmacy to let her know I don't think its going to work. Shelby said they haven't been looking at anyone else. So I feel bad, but I'm more valuable and shouldn't take a cut in pay. In fact, I should be looking for more if anything. We'll see how that goes.

Its pouring outside. I love it. I want to sit under a tin roof and just listen to the rain with a good book and glass of Chardonnay.... hmmmm....

Yes that's a good idea.. But it will have to wait until after tonight. I'm going to dinner with my friend Jaime, after we stop by Sierra so she can pay her bills and I can get scantrons for my EMT test... And... I'm kind of hoping I run into someone, but I'm not going looking.

I should be eating my lunch right now, but I feel like talking. You ever feel like no one talks to you? Sometimes I come home and am really talkative, but neither of my roomates are, so I go into my room and chill... Trying to give them space ya know? Shelby and I had a talk about that last night, they were apparently worried I was mad at them. HAH! Yeah right. My foot. I'm mad at them like I hate Neil. (um.. In case you haven't been paying attention both of those couldn't be farther from the truth.)

Speaking of Neil. I went up to his house this weekend and got my hope chest and a couple of other things. Now I don't have room in my room for my hamper... Might have to re-arrange things again. But not yet. I was totally fine until someone close to both of us said she's having a hard time with us not being together... That hurt. I have been doing a lot better, great actually unless I really sit and think about it. But to have someone we both love look me in the eye and say she can't believe its over, brought me down a little bit last night.

So I took my dad's truck back to his house, and forgot the things I was going to do before I gave it back to him- clean the flower petals out, and leave the truck how he gave it to me. Including gas... He said he didn't care, but I feel like an arse. He said he wants to help me out, and I keep telling him he has. I'm glad that he cares right now though, because I know if worse comes to worse I can go to him, and he'll help me out with whatever he can. My dad really is becoming more and more awesome.

Anyway. I'm off to go daydream and watch time hopefully fly by so I can go play with clay tomorrow night... Finish the project I'm working on as soon as I can. haha...

So I've decided...

2006-01-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

That throughout the rest of my life I will be learning the lesson of patience. And I hate it.

No matter what I do, I'm still waiting for something I would rather have right now... At this moment, I know its a good thing, but that doesn't mean I like it any better. It just never seems to end.

I'm going to go read my book, and drink a glass of wine so I can wind down and hopefully get some blasted sleep tonight.

Optimistically satisfied.

2006-01-25T12:28:00.000-08:00

So, I think this year is off to a good start, and some wonderful things are going to happen this year to make it end great. I'm excited. Yes, Neil and I broke up, but I can only see that as a good thing, whether we get back together later or not. If he doesn't feel right with me, then we shouldn't be together. I know God has something great planned for me, even though I don't know what it is or when its going to happen. I trust that what He has in store is right, whether its Neil, someone else, or no one at all. Life goes on.
My roomates and I are all already thinking about resigning the lease on the apartment in the spring/early summer, and are looking forward to being together another year. They're not my best friends (and they don't need to be), but I do love them both. School this semester will be rough- Ceramics fun and therapeutic, but the EMT class will be tough. I look forward to it though, to the challenges and experiences it will bring.
My mom's cancer is fading farther and farther, and her chances of remission are down to 15% from 25%. She might even be back to work by this summer! Which is fantastic.
I'm optimistic. I'm working, going to school, love my family and friends, and yeah, while I'm sorry Neil and I had to go our separate ways, and I can't imagine anyone better than him, I know that I will find someone, eventually. I'm young, I'm happy, I'm living and loving it. I know I'm on the right track, and that's what really counts right now. I'm happy with me. I'm sorry Neil hasn't seen that, but maybe he'll come around. If he doesn't, someone else will. Now, on to call my dad and see if I can borrow his truck this weekend to go get my hope chest from Neil's. If I can't, then I'm heading to the bay area this weekend to see my cousin Amanda.
Gotta go!

What? Its Monday already?

2006-01-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

How was your weekend? Mine was interesting. Friday night started well, I went out to dinner with a friend, and was going to go to her house and spend the night, have a nice long chat, but we ran into the guy she’s kind of dating when we stopped at the store on the way, and found out he lied about his plans that night, and she decided she wasn’t up for a girl’s night in. I went home, felt crappy and ditched, and my roommates were walking out the door. I could have gone with them, but would have felt worse if I asked if it was okay to go, though I had an unspoken open invitation, and they didn’t ask me to come. So, I cried, got on my computer, and couldn’t tell you what until I woke up at noon on Saturday. Which was perfect because the birthday party started at two! I felt rested, and had a great time at the party. It was even better being in a house I am comfortable in.

Sunday, I went back to the pharmacy Shelby works at and met with the pharmacy manager again, about a clerk position. The only problem is that I would make a lot less- anywhere I go I’ll already be taking a pay cut without having the on call time, and the pharmacy wouldn’t be able to pay me nearly as much, and I think I can find a higher paying job elsewhere. But, I’m not quite ruling it out yet.

I was telling my mom today that I’ve had a couple of people mention that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and I’ve told each of them that I love myself, I just am insecure sometimes about whether or not other people like me too. In those down times, all of the love in the world doesn’t seem to make a big difference when the one person I’m trying to reach won’t even answer my calls. Luckily, it quickly washes away, and I’m only drowning for an hour or three. Usually, I’m quite content with the wonderful friends and family I do have. But those times when I really want to be with so and so, (Neil or someone else) and that person can’t be with me, sometimes I can’t keep my brain in the right perspective. I am getting better though. Being around positive friends and family certainly helps.

The Steelers beat the Broncos this weekend! Yes! Now it’s the Steelers vs. the Seahawks for the Superbowl! I can’t wait! I was hoping by then Neil and I can watch it with some friends, but it sounds like he won’t be around that weekend. And, its probably best that we don’t start hanging out again as soon as I would like to. Hopefully, our friend Adam doesn’t have anything planned, it would be cool to watch it with him, but I’m thinking about seeing what Dad is doing instead- Dad is a Steelers fan, and it would be nice to watch it with him somewhere. Or, I could go up to Chico for the weekend and watch it with my friend Catalina. I might do that. Hopefully by then our friend Jackie has had her baby ( She was due the 14th of this month!) and I’ll be able to see baby Micah too.

I re-arranged my room yesterday, and I must say I think I like it. I might even take some pictures to post before I mess it all up again! Kind of nice to change the things I can control, you know? And, I’ve wanted to do it for the last two months… My roommates both think it looks bigger. So far, the only thing I don’t like is that my head is below the heater vent. We have 9’ ceilings, so its not like the vent is RIGHT above my head… I am going to look tonight to see if I can re-direct it somehow…

Am I rambling? I think I am. Oh well. I need to go anyway. I’m sure I’ll ramble on later (today or another day…)

What a day...

2006-01-20T16:54:00.000-08:00

So… I’m sitting here thinking about Neil and it hits me, I know someone else who let a good thing go to waste about 10 years ago, and that person is now really sorry. Each time I see that person, I see in his/her eyes the pain because there is no going back, like he/she wishes there were. If faced with the situation today, the person would not have done what was done. I know how that is. Each day, I love Neil more and more, as I did when we were together. This time, its somewhat different. I’m more appreciative, and admire him more as a person. No matter how right it is now, I would hate for Neil to regret this later. But I’m not worrying about that. What’s done is done, and I’m moving on. I don’t like it, but I like the possibilities it brings forth. I am growing stronger daily, and while not every day is as good as the next (or the last, for that matter), I know I will be stronger tomorrow too.

Neil was working across the street today (which I didn’t know until later) and actually e mailed me, and I reminded him that I have some of his stuff in my car for him. Come and get it whenever you want. I thought he would. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m not giving him a time. But part of me honestly thinks he wants nothing to do with me, and that really hurts. Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that horrible that he can’t face me for five seconds to get his stuff? What did I do wrong? How much more time does he need before he’s comfortable being friends? I was fine until I saw that he had left already, because until then I thought he might come and get it. Now, he’s not there, so didn’t come get it, and I can’t take it to him. My solution? Clean my room to make room for the hope chest and piece of ceramic that I have left up at his house, so I can borrow my dad’s truck, go get my stuff, and drop his off. I'm not leaving a vulnerability open for my heart to have an excuse to see him. Clearer- I'm giving his stuff back to him as soon as I can on my own, so that I no longer hold on to it waiting for him to come by, and when he doesn't don't get upset because if and when he is ready to see me again, I want it to be on his own, when he's ready, when we're both ready. If I sit here with his stuff, every day I come to work I'll wonder when he's going to stop by to get it. Because he won't come until he's ready. I'm not going to wait, and torture myself by waiting. I'm going to get it back to him when I can, and not count on anything but what I need to do myself.

He’s made his decision. Its his loss. Yesterday, I interviewed at a staffing agency (really, was more like skills tested) and it was the second time I had to schedule the appointment. Initially, I was supposed to go in the day Neil and I broke up, but I couldn’t keep myself together. The lady called to check in, and I was crying, so we agreed to re-schedule. Yesterday she asked if I lost a family member, and I told her no, my boyfriend. She said, his loss, you’re an incredible, beautiful young lady.

I am. That’s me. I’m smart, beautiful, and I know it. I have confidence, and I’m damn proud of it. I’m not afraid to go somewhere by myself, of course, I’d rather go with people, but I’m used to doing things by myself, and kind of like it sometimes. Except right now, when usually I really just want to be around people. I have a lot of friends who don’t think they’re beautiful, and argue when I tell them they are. I'm not a model, would never want to be, but I also don't need to be.

Well, one of my friends actually called me and actually (now this is the really amazing part) wants to get together for dinner tonight, so I'm going to go meet her. Just when I thought I was going home alone again to cook fish and stink up the apartment for my roomates... hehehe

Ouch...

2006-01-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

I hadn't talked to Neil since last Tuesday. Today, he finally e mailed me about a computer question I had asked. We wrote back and forth a couple of times, and I realized how greatly I just want to go back to normal. I don't want to feel this weirdness between us. I'm doing as good as I can with not approaching him, but it kills me not to talk to him. All I want is just to talk every now and then, and not feel like he's forcing himself. I guess more time needs to pass, but I am the least patient person I know, and this really hurts.

I talked my Ceramics teacher into letting me work on the project I have in mind, and am excited to start working on it. Hopefully I can have it finished by the end of the semester, but I'm definitely going to have to put in extra hours.

And Brenda, thanks for giving Amanda my e mail. I like talking to her, and am looking forward to going out there next chance I get!

Anyway. I'm going to take a walk and hopefully clear my mind.

I love this man...

2006-01-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not talking about Neil.

I'm talking about Paul Wright.

I've posted his lyrics before, and tonight he posted a new song that hits the nail on the head.

Sky Falling Down*written by P. Wrightshe just broke with her boyfriend I can tell deep down she’s hurting as she tries to hide away but i can read her like an open book when she lets me take a closer look ladi da ladi day / She’s tellin me that it’s over tellin me that it’s over but she’s not over him she’s tellin me to come over tellin me to come over but she’s in over her head she’s tellin me all she wants is tellin me all she wants is to hang out with some friends but when she is not with him when she is not with him all she wants is him the sky is falling down her sky is falling down on top of the world but her sky is falling down / and she cries and she cries and she cries and she does not know why deep inside deep inside she sighs why oh why oh why this got to happen to me? everything was fine and then reality / chorus / and you know that it’s not over over when she says that it’s over over deep inside she knows it’s not over over yea deep inside deep insdie you can hear her cry and i don’t why you can hear her sigh why oh why oh why she wonders why she can’t get over him

check it out http://www.myspace.com/paulwright

That doesn't really help...

2006-01-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

My sister in law just called. She and my brother are getting a divorce. Knowing that I’m not the only one right now going through this type of a loss (though hers is probably much more painful, they were together longer and were actually married) does not help me any. It does not surprise me, that brother is not exactly the most talkative and once his mind is set on something, he doesn’t budge. I feel somewhat bad for both of them, but at the same time I know that this is best for them both. Saying I saw it coming doesn’t sound right, but … I think it will be really good for her, and she will be happier without him. He’s not a bad guy, but… I think you might have to understand him to know what I’m talking about. I just know that I’m relieved for her not to have to work hard on a marriage that is one sided. And I’m proud of him for finally saying it. I can’t see Bryce as really being remorseful over this. I can see this as being a great relief and excellent precursor to wonderful things in her life.

The difference is that she was happy, and he is a wall, and Neil and I were both happy together. He just wasn’t sure enough to keep going. Hopefully, that will change, but again, I’m not counting on it. Bryce is a great gal, and I know she will be fine. I am sorry to see their marraige end. I know I will be fine too, but its not as easy for me to see. Sometimes, I come really close to losing my will to live. Honestly. But I do count my blessings daily. And even more honestly, losing Neil is only going to make me count more blessings. Losing someone extremely important to me does that. When Tawnya died, I moved back to Cali to be closer to my grandparents. I got to spend more time with my grandpa before he died, and I will always treasure that. I’ve been able to spend more time with both of my grandmas too, but now one has moved up to Oregon and lives 6 blocks from my old house! Sheesh…

I was glad that my grandpa got to meet Neil, and liked him. I was always sorry that he didn’t get to meet Grandpa Neckels, because I think they would have really liked each other. I’m sorry now that most likely the man I marry won’t have met either of my grandpas, and that is a bummer… Before Grandpa Neckels died, he promised he would be at my wedding, and my 50th anniversary. I was looking forward to that, though I know the latter especially was not going to be a reality. He’s with me in my heart though, and always will be.

I look forward to being as great to my grandchildren as my grandparents have been to me. And, I’m hoping when that time is right, that my kids will love their grandparents like I’ve loved mine…

Someday…. One can always dream.

Wow...

2006-01-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

Loud music really does something to me. I came home in a horribly depressed mood, and now am feeling quite chipper. Actually, part of it is guessing where Brenda's pictures were taken, and I was right for once.. LOL Well, at least I got the state. Anyway. I blew the surprise I had for my mom- I'm hoping I can afford to fly out for her birthday. But! I'm hoping even more that I can afford to take us both to a day spa and pamper ourselves. We need it...

Hmm.. I'm off to go write my ceramics teacher and request being allowed to work on the project I've had in mind for quite some time. Morbid, but my ideas when I'm depressed usually are...

well well well

2006-01-16T16:51:00.000-08:00

Okay... I've gotten past waking up every morning and crying, now I need to get past the afternoon doldrums. It seems like each afternoon, especially at work, It all just comes crashing down and all I can think about is him. I can't stand not talking to him, but am waiting for him to make the move and call me. While I'm not counting on him calling me, or ever wanting me back, I am trying to keep in mind that if that is ever going to happen, doing the opposite of what he has asked and what I do truly need to do for myself, is not going to help any or make it happen faster. I don't want to go a week without talking to him at all. I hate it. I will take being friends if that's all I can get, though I understand why that can't happen now. I wouldn't be able to handle it. No matter what I do he's all I want to be with. I'm on call this coming weekend, so can't go out of town, but am going to try to keep busy in one way or another. There's a birthday party on Saturday I will go early to to help set up, and stay late at to help clean after. I plan on sleeping in. There are movies I want to see. But I don't want to go alone.. That's the main thing. I went shopping by myself yesterday, and that was okay because I didn't have to worry about where anyone else wanted to go or if so and so would like this store, but I also didn't have anyone to talk to or laugh with. I hate being alone at the apartment. Everything sinks in there. Layce hasn't been feeling social lately, or at least that was her excuse the last time I actually got to talk to her. Shelby works late, has school too, and has her boyfriend. Everyone else has someone else besides me. And all I want is Neil.
For the last few months I had been meaning to get him something, and I was going to give it to him as a Valentine's day present. I ordered it the day after we broke up, or I wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about it. I wrote him a thank you letter to go with it, and am planning on giving it to him the next time I see him. Small token of my great appreciation for everything we've shared, ya know? Its just something I need to do. There are two other things I want to get him too. But that won't happen for a while, if ever. I also understand that he wants time, but I had the courtesy to pick my stuff up the Monday after we broke up. I told him last Tuesday I had a bag of his things waiting in my car, whenever he wanted to stop by and grab them- he usually works right across the freaking street! I could have given him a date, but I didn't want to be mean (I've made enough harsh/sarcastic comments) and know he will come when he's ready. But now I'm waiting for him to come get everything, not knowing when that might be (not like its in my way), and hoping every day that today is the day. I thought about dropping it off with a friend of his, or his uncle's, but that's immature, and I wouldn't want to bring anyone else in. Besides, one day he will call- its not like we'll never talk again. Waiting just has never been one of my favorite games.
I'm trying to be strong. I really am.

Its an uphill battle...

2006-01-15T22:22:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately. *sigh* I haven't talked to Neil since Wednesday. That's hard. Not talking to your best friend? Yeah. But... Thursday night I went to Veronica's- she was Neil's foster sister for a year and half, is a few years older than either of us, and has a little(r) sister my age living with her now, who doesn't know anyone in the area. Last I had seen Veronica, I told her I'd come by when Mayra came, because I have been looking for new friends and wanted to get to know Mayra better anyway- I'd only met her once before, at Veronica's wedding. So anyway... Went over to Veronicas, cried a little, and talked a lot. I left feeling better than I had in a long time. Did I mention that Friday morning was the first morning I have woken up without crying immediately? Yay! I haven't cried again when I woke up still! It helped being around Veronica 1) because she reasssured me that I was not losing Neil and his family, I am family too and that will never change, even though Neil and my relationship has, and 2) because I had not felt as comfortable since the night we broke up until then. I went back again this weekend to watch movies, and stayed a night. I slept better last night than I have for the last two weeks. It was great. Veronica told me I look a lot stronger than I did three nights ago, and that was encouraging to hear. I feel a heck of a lot better. A lot of that is because now I am okay that Neil and I aren't together. I'm remembering that it was a mutual decision, and is really best, whether it changes in the future or not. That doens't mean I won't cry, miss him, or that it won't hurt. No matter what happens, we need out time. I'm trying to give him that, and not hope his mind changes when he's had enough time. I may lose my romantic relationship with him, but I'm not losing him as a person altogether- we'll still be friends later down the road, and I'm not losing the family I've gained through him. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade mine for anything, ANYTHING, but I'm a family kind of gal, and will take whatever extra family I can. I had just hoped I would be staring mine a little sooner! LOL Oh well. Life goes on. Some days are just harder than others.

Blah

2006-01-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

Blah…

That’s how I’m feeling right now. In limbo ya know? Not great, not horrible, just me.

I’m wondering… Neil cancelled his Netflix subscription, and I still have one of the DVDs. He didn’t tell me he was canceling it, but I logged on (he gave me the log on info a long time ago, and hasn’t changed it) and I was curious if one of the movies we both really wanted to see came in yet. And I noticed that the DVDs we had last have a due date to be returned. So… I had told him I would watch the DVD I have and send it back when I get a chance, but that was before I saw the due date. And now I’m wondering if I should be nice and send it back or see if he says something. I kind of want to see if he says something, but one of the things I’ve decided is that all the things I had depended on him for before for I am going to surprise us both by taking care of myself. Most of the things I’m curious about I have e mailed him for quick help, and haven’t received any kind of response. So I’m forgetting I even asked him, and taking care of it myself. I know he’s busy and just may not have gotten to it yet, but I’m impatient and want it done.

If he is just trying to figure things out like many people suspect, and even if he isn’t, he’ll be proud of me for doing it all myself. I think he’d be impressed if I did these things without asking for help again and on my own… I’m hoping anyway…

But still, I’m trying not to let it get into my head that he might come back. I can’t. I’ve been told by people before that they’ll come back for me, and no one ever has- I would be more of a mess than I currently am if I were to expect him to come back and he never did. So I’m moving on. It would be nice, but I can’t count on it. Nor can I count on him getting in touch with me for anything anymore, so I’m not even expecting him to. Oh well. Life goes on.

As Veronica suggested last night, this is time for me to focus on me. I’m getting into better shape, working on my other issues, and becoming a better person, all for me. Doing the things I want to do (not like I didn’t anyway when I was with Neil, but now I have more time to focus on them because I am not spending every moment I can with him) and living for myself. Its hard, because I want so much to give him everything, especially now that we’re not together, there is so much I want to do for him and give him, I grow more and more thankful every day that we’re not together for all the times we spent together. I’ll always treasure those memories. And by focusing on me right now I’m preparing myself to be better in the next relationship I do get into, whomever it may be with.

I got two e mails from guys that live in my area last night on myspace… one I deleted right away, and the other I probably will delete later. I don’t mind having friends right now, but I can’t trust meeting a new guy that he doesn’t have other aspirations or motives. I can’t. I went with my friend Jaime the night before last to a “game night” at the house of a friend of her’s, and we played catch phrase. I was sitting next to a guy from the other team, (it was guys against girls) and I got my team to guess a couple of really hard phrases. Each time, he complimented me and said I was really good. And for the first time in a while, I couldn’t accept the compliment, so I kind of said Thanks quietly, and ignored it. Thinking about it now I still feel like “yeah what does he know” sarcastic.

One of my roommates suggested something totally out of line- Neil and my friend Adam came over to hang out Wednesday night, and before he got there one of the girls suggested I have rebound sex with him! Yikes. No way. Adam is more like a brother to me than anything else, not to mention Neil’s best friend for 10+ years! Not to mention sex is the last thing I want or need right now. Ugh… Lets just say I don’t exactly subscribe to the modern views regarding sex… So moving on…

Did I mention this is the first morning I have woken up without crying? I even tried to cry, but just feel at peace with this now. God knows I still miss Neil, that I can’t see ever changing, but what can I do about it- nothing, but focus on myself and what is right for me right now.

I’ve mentioned that one of the things that’s helping me is to blare music while I’m driving. I’ve been playing a CD from a guy I knew up in Oregon for the last week, and I’m including the lyrics to the song that really keeps me going below… If you’d like to hear it, go to http://www.myspace.com/jdreaminn and you can hear it on my profile there.

Fly Away
Written by Paul Wright* May 16, 2002 Eugene, OR IntroShe’s got dreams dreams that he’s got thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo fly away 2xVerse oneShe looks out her windowWatching people as they pass on bySome of them want to come insideMan oh man one on one I wonder which one will she trustCuz some men only lustAnd she wants a man who can understandWhat a woman wants and if he can appreciate her and not deface herAnd she wants a king with a diamond ringNot some prince charming who’s gonna steal everything that he gave herYeaChorusShe’s got to fly away (uh 1-2, uh 1-2, uh 1-2)I watch her walk next to you but soonShe’s got to get away (oh that’s true, oh that’s true, oh that’s true)I hope her dreams do come trueCuz she is a butterflySpreadin spreadin spreadin spreadin Spreading her wings(She’s beautiful, she’s beautiful, she’s beautiful)
BridgeAnd she wants a family (family) she wants a lover (lover)She wants a best friend closer than any otherA man that’s true she wants a man who Can hear God’s voice and know what he is called to doShe wants a hard worker not some lazy bum But a man who knows how to get the job doneShe wants a family to be a mother and raise a child that came from herYeaChorusOutroShe’s got dreams dreams that he’s got things thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo (to to) fly away 2xShe’s got to fly away (fly away)She’s on the ground learning to fly but she’s flying nowShe’s on the ground it’s time to fly she’s gonna fly nowShe’s on the ground looking down it’s time to fly ya’ll She’s on the ground but watch her rise and fly awayShe was looking down but now she’s looking to the sky ya’llSpreading her wings to give it a try give it a try give it a tryTo fly away when the rest of the girls are on the fall ya’llShe’s spreading her wings to fly awayfly away fly away Cuz she’s got dreams dreams that he’s got things thingsThat’ll open up her sky so she can use her wingsTo (to to) fly awayVerse 2But her heart is a kingdom without a kingAnd without him she can’t singSo she waits on a watchtowerHoping praying waiting for his arrival (and all the people in the world say) and then they’llChorus

Honestly. Paul is awesome. And I don’t think I’d be where I am today without the music he makes…

Okay.. back to work… But first, what’s for lunch!!???

Wow...

2006-01-12T23:35:00.000-08:00

I think this is the first good day I think I can say I have had since Neil and I broke up. Yeah, I shed some tears- this morning some of those tears woke one of my roomates up. But I think my system of shower bawling and the two page letter I wrote in the notebook this morning helped. Finally.

I had a major headache this morning so I took some excedrin, and I think part of today being a better day might have been the caffiene. See, I haven't exactly been sleeping that well.

And I am proud to say I think I have lost weight... When I was at Mom's I think I had lost ten pounds. I might have only lost one or two between now and then, but as a test I put on a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a while. Let me tell you they slid on a lot easier than they did the last time I wore them, and that is awesome.

The bad thing about losing weight is that now the pants I bought 2 months ago that were big now really are way too big... And hopefully they'll only be getting bigger. Yesterday before I went to dinner with my friend Jaime I stopped in the little gym they have in the rental office here. And I'm hoping to start working out once on the weekends, and twice a week. Gotta get into shape if I'm going to be lifting people off the floor or onto gurneys! And, its something I've been meaning to do for quite a while.

Don't worry, I'm not losing weight because I'm not eating. I am having to force myself to eat, but I am eating. Not as much as usual, but I also don't burn that many calories sitting at a desk all day.

I said a prayer on the way home tonight because a lot of people are telling me they think Neil will come around. God I hope so, but I'm sure as heck not counting on it. I've had people promise me before that they would come back for me, and no one ever has. I can't count on Neil coming back, especially since he's not counting on it, or I would be setting myself up for an even bigger heartbreak than I'm dealing with now. But after hearing it from so many people who know both of us (especially him) well, its harder not to hope for it a little more. So I prayed for God not to let that idea take heart in me, and to help prepare me for whatever it may be that my future holds...

But I have been reassured that one of my fears is not coming true- at least not yet. So far, the people in Neil's family I have talked to are extremely supportive and still want to be around me. I know Neil and I didn't end fighting, but I was paraniod that his mom especially would stop talking to me, and that is one of the last things I want. I can't thank her enough for all she's done for me, and for Neil and I. Neil's family is family to me too now. And neither his mom or his sister (foster sister really... but we all just leave the foster part out) Veronica will act or say otherwise. In fact, I went over to Veronica's house tonight after work (she lives maybe 5 minutes away) and it was as if nothing had changed at all, except the topic of discussion. Veronica's little sister Myra is living with her now, and Myra is not only my age, but doesn't really know anyone else in the area. I had told Veronica the last time I saw her that I'd like to spend more time with Myra and gain a new friend, and I planned on following up on that. It was great! There was no negativity (which I have been getting a bit of and certainly don't need any more of!), only support, love and listening. I cried, we talked, I felt better, and we laughed. Veronica even complimented me, saying that I am on the right track, its just going to take some time. When I left, Myra apologized, saying she was sorry she couldn't give me more advice and didn't really know what to do- I told her as I've told everone else with the same sort of comment- doing as you're doing and listening and being positive is more than I can ask for. Really it is. I know that if Neil and I are meant to be it will happen, but now is not the time. I know that if we aren't meant to be, then this is the best time to figure out what I am meant to be, where I am meant to be, and who I am meant to be. Granted, a lot of that is already figured out, but I don't plan on ever stopping learning. Ever. I'll be a 90 year old grandma and still want to take classes in something!

So... I'm trying to plan a trip to the Bay Area. It probably won't be a long trip, possibly the weekend after next. No, Neil's mom will be in town that weekend, and I promised her I'd help her babysit. (Okay, I know right here and now a couple of people are going to want to say I should distance myself from his family right now too- but I can't lose my best friend and a surrogate family in the same shot right now, and after being at Veronica's house tonight and feeling comfortable again for a few short hours, I only feel better.) I have two cousins out that way, one whom I haven't seen since last Christmas, the other since... Goodness I don't even remember how old I was, I think she said she was four or five. I'm also hoping to go see Neil's dad and have dinner or something with he and his wife. I've been wanting to go see them for quite a while, but it never seemed to get planned. Hmm... I really want to go see the cousins especially... And the drive will warm me up for the next time I go to Oregon. That's a long drive...

Yep. Today was the best day I've had in a while. Something I'm doing is working, and I'm glad. I'd like to sleep normally, eat normally, feel normally, and wake up without immediately crying again.

No one wants to hear it...

2006-01-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

How fitting as I log on to post this today, for Toni Braxton's song Unbreak my Heart to play on the radio. What's next? Breathe Again or Toni Rich and Nobody Knows... Sheesh...

I’m on an emotional roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. I purposely avoid them because I get motion sickness. And emotional roller coasters are even worse.
I’m constantly floating between bitter and slightly angry (though not towards any one person) and overwhelmingly depressed. I can try to stay busy, but that doesn’t work when I come home and try to sleep, but can’t because my mind is racing past the speed limit. I wake up in the morning slightly refreshed when my alarm rings, only to have my mind snap back and realize all over again what I’ve lost.

I know it will get better, but it doesn’t make it any easier to get through this now. No one wants to hear it anymore. No one ever did. I’m trying to get through this, not even a week later, and already everyone is sick of me. Its not like I am trying to get attention or doing this on purpose. I’m trying my hardest to maintain a positive outlook, but the truth remains that no matter what I do, I still look and feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and I have.

Monday night we had a good talk, and I felt better. Yesterday, I came crashing down again, had a friend come over after work, and took it easy. But as soon as that friend was out the door I was a mess again, and couldn’t tell you when I fell asleep. I am going out to dinner with a friend again tonight, but all I really want to do is get in my car and drive, with my music blasting. Drive, sing, and get over it.

Since we have Monday off for the holiday, I might go back up to Chico for the weekend, or head to the bay area to see a couple of cousins. I’d like to go see Neil’s dad again too, but this is not the time for that. Saturday I clean a house, so I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere until that night, or Sunday morning. All I know is that this is a horrible time for me to be alone.

And the one person who could fix it cannot without doing either of us wrong.

People say it gets easier, but its not easier yet. People say I’ll be okay, but I’m not yet. People say I’ll find someone else, and while I can’t imagine anyone better than Neil, I know if this is happening he has to be out there. But I can’t be okay with that without being okay with this.

The storm of heartbreak that follows such
Splendidly bright sunshine
Leaves me drowning in tears that seem to have no end
What little peace my heart does find
All too often is quickly washed away again

Struggling...

2006-01-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Everyone, including myself, has told me that this will pass, I will get over it, and eventually find someone who is even better than Neil. While I can't imagine anything better than him, I have to believe that, because why else would this be happening.

But I had a really hard time yesterday, and this morning woke up bawling yet again. Its hard having your best friend and the man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with tell you that you need time apart and he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I'm going crazy inside. Everything else that I have is well overshadowed by this, and all I want is for this to be over. I want the pain to stop. I want the tears to stop. I want the love back.

Before Wednesday night when this whole thing started, I had nothing to fear. My plans were set, even if I didn't know exactly what some of the pieces were. I had Neil, and that was enough. Now, it seems all the promises not happening now are too much for me to handle. I know things will get better, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I can't focus, and I can be a blubbering idiot. Most of the time I feel like if I can't have him, what's the point of anything. Having someone who was such a huge part of my life and my plans stripped from me without warning is putting me back in a place I have not been for a really long time, and a place I do not want to be in.

I can't stand this. The encouragement isn't touching me, and I can't stop missing him. Just talking to him... And I can't even do that.

I'm running late for work. Hopefully I can keep it together there today...

All things considered

2006-01-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

Yankee Gray came out with a song a few years ago that I really loved. "All things considered" Fits for me right now, and this is why...
"

All things considered I'm doin' just fine even though
You left a hole the size of texas deep inside of my heart
The way I feel I should be losing my mind
But all things considered
I'm doin' just fine

Woke up this morning to the sound of you slammin' the door
I got served a piece of paper for breakfast that said
You don't live here no more
And the dog won't let me pet him, he just lays around
And growls at my feet
And the paper boy forgot me again
I should have stayed in bed asleep

All things considered I'm doin' just fine even though
You left a hole the size of texas deep inside of my heart
The way I feel I should be losing my mind
But all things considered
I'm doin' just fine

Well my car broke down again right before it ran out of gas
Yeah my boss is still ringing in my head
One more time and your out on your...yeah
Well I cant wait till that five o clock whistle blows
So I can sit in traffic all day
And end up going home alone"

Okay, so some of it doesn't fit- I don't have a dog, and Neil and I didn't live together and I didn't get a piece of paper and I was the one who slammed the door (then sped up the driveway and to my dad's house).... But a) All things considered, I am doing just fine and b) its a really upbeat song. LOL

Its amazing what a deep breath will do too. Between last night and tonight, I think I've made major progress. And its nice to cry less and less every day. But back to the progress. I've stopped thinking about how sad I am, because every time I get sad I try instead to focus on the thought that if Neil and I aren't meant to be together, then there's got to be someone else out there better than him. While I can't imagine it now, there has to be. Which is something to look forward to. And every time I miss him I am turning intead to thanks. I'm so thankful that we got to do this, or go here, or , or, or. We're not ending on bad terms, we agree we would like to be friends, but need time apart right now before we can get to the point we can be friends. We still talk if we need to, and its not that we hate each other. And I just forgot what I was going to say. Oh. While I hate knowing that he's hurting too, it helps to know that he is sad, because I know I'm not the only one with a broken heart. I wish it didn't hurt for either of us, but its kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one who's missing something, that he does still care, and its not the end of the world because we will both be okay, and we will be friends and still have good times together. Eventually.

I sent his mom a thank you card Friday. I didn't tell her we had broken up, but I wanted to thank her for everything that she's done for me, Neil or both of us together, and all the time we've spent. I am not on bad terms with Neil, I don't want to be with any of his family either. And I do understand that we might never talk again, but that's exactly why I wanted to thank her why I could. She e mailed me back, is sorry, and wants to get together when she comes into town next. Which also made me feel better- even if we don't end up going out to lunch or dinner together, whatever, she responded, and doesn't want to never hear from me again. I love that, because I do feel like I'm losing Neil's family too, and its hard for after this long (even though three years is not that long in the whole scheme of things) to just suddenly have it end and never talk to them again you know?

I'm rambling. And, I don't feel like I am making much sense. But aside from being thankful, one of the other things I am working on doing, is just letting go... I'll think of something and say to myself "I'm letting go of this..." and naming something, then taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly... I'm not perfect but all of this helps me keep the positive outlook I need to to get through this and not wallow in the pain. I can't allow myself to do that at all, and so far this is working for me. Good enough for now.

Anyway. Its fairly late. I'm tired. Not sure how well I will sleep, but would like to find out.

How?

2006-01-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

How does one get used to the idea that everything she has dreamed of and once thought she had is gone?
How does one let go of all those broken dreams?
How does one go on without making a fool of herself every day?

I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but I am still a mess. Neil was so much a part of me, and now that he is gone I ...

Can you tell I'm having a really hard time with this? I mean, three months shy of three years, everything was going great and now...

I know I'm young, and things will change, I might find someone, but thinking about that doesn't help me at all right now. Right now I'm just trying to get used to the idea that I've lost my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and everything that that entailed. I'm so overwhelmed by that right now I can't get to anything else. This huge chunk of my heart has been ripped out and I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone that cares about me is really far away, and I'm lost.

Newest member of the Broken Heart Club...

2006-01-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

Last night my worst fears came true. Neil and I broke up. There's nothing I can do or say, he just realized that I'm not what he's always dreamed of marrying. Which is really hard, because while I am young and sure, he may not be the one for me, everything I had currently planned for my future included him. I can't picture my future without him in it. The hardest part is that he still loves me, and is in love with me. He just knows that I was only in the relationship because I saw it going to marriage, eventually, and he can't promise me that. As well as he can see it, he can't see us ever getting married at all.
One of the people I've told can't believe that its true. Trust me, I can't either. She said that he'll come around after a little while, and realize that I am what he wants. I can't quite agree with that. Neil doesn't do things without thinking them through thoroughly. If he's made this decision and acted upon it, then its most likely final.

Its just ironic, because this is the second time in my life a wonderful thing has happened the same day a horrible thing has happened. Horrible as in life changing. The first time, my nephew Jaden was born, and they took my best friend off life support. This time, yesterday, we found out my mom's CA125 levels are FINALLY below normal- they are half of what the last test was! That means she will only have two more chemo treatments and she's done. She'll have to go in every month for a while and have the levels checked, but two more treatments only! Hopefully, she'll be back to work late spring/early summer. That is such fantastic news, I hate for it to be overshaddowed by this loss...

I can't stop thinking about him. Its really hard not to call him, but I'm working on not calling him unless I absolutely need something. We agreed to still be friends, but I am not sure I can see that happening. I don't think I'll be able to handle being around him at all. At least for a while.

His mom is coming out at the end of the month... I'd like so much for things to go back to normal and the three of us to go do something together... His family has become family to me, and it hurts that I'm now losing them too. I sent his mom a thank you card for everything that she's done for me, but I don't know when she'll find out that we aren't together anymore. I'm not sure that she'll want anything to do with me now, but that's the least of my worries.

I can't stand seeing anything that belongs to him. I can't stand listening to anything we listned to, or any songs on the radio that even mention love. I can't stand knowing that the cement that holds his mailbox in will always say Jamie + Neil = Love forever. I can't stand knowing that every thing I had planned for us will never happen. Everything in his life I wanted to be by his side for, I will never be. I can't stand the thought of either of us being with anyone else. I can't stand the reality that I've once again, lost a best friend.

I'm falling apart, and need to get out of town. I'm heading up to Chico for the weekend to be with some friends. It just stinks because once again, I no longer have that one person I always go to when something is wrong, and I've been having enough trouble finding people to spend time with as it is. Everything has just been thrown out the window...

I can't stop crying, and can't completely let the crying come out... My head hurts...

Anyway. I hope you all have a better weekend than I will. All I can say is I'm going to do the best I can do.

Today... Might possibly be the worst day of my life.

2006-01-05T06:50:00.000-08:00

So far. Yes I know its not even 7 am. I spent half of last night crying, unable to sleep. Neil has come to some conclusions, and we need to talk. The possibility of him breaking up with me is tearing my heart. I don't know what I will do. This whole time I have looked at him as if I were looking upon the man I will marry. Granted, I have never expected or believed the whole marraige thing will happen for a few more years- I know that I won't be ready for quite a while. But it seems he doesn't feel the same way about me, and all of his reasons are goals that I have set for myself to accomplish. He admits that if and when I can reach the goals, for myself, to make myself a better person and be happier, again, for myself, he might feel differently. But as it stands at this moment, he doesn't see that happening...

I can't stand this... I won't know until tonight what he wants to do. He's going to come for lunch, but we won't talk about it during the day. I don't know how I'm going to handle that. It kills me to think that I am going to lose him... Losing him will definitely help me push my job search forward- I don't think I could handle working that close to him- he's right across the street. For a while, I'll be avoiding everything that reminds me with him. At least, until I can come to peace with what is happening.

God give me the strength to get through this...

And again... Finally.

2006-01-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Yep. That's right. I finally got off my duff and posted pictures from Christmas too! Hah! How do you like that?

Riley couldn't wait to eat!

Ben and Keilani at the candlelight service Christmas Eve

My niece Miranda

Alyssa in front of Mom's tree

The kids in front of Mom's tree

Mima and Jaden, playing with Jaden's new puppy.

Grandma gave Mom this calendar... Brenda do you recognize the tree?

Jaden with a silly smile.

Riley on the swing...

Ben, the kids and I on Christmas

You asked for it....

2006-01-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe you didn't. But hey, I'm finally getting around to posting my pictures, so please don't complain. Below, you'll find the pictures from my fantastic weekend in Indianapolis for my 21st birthday, and the Chargers vs. Colts game. What a fantastic game! Okay, so I went in Chargers colors and spirits, and walked out of the dome with a huge smile because they won, but I won't say the Colts aren't a good team. In fact, they're a great team. And I'm not loyal to any one football team. I actually prefer four, and the Colts are one of them. Just don't tell Neil's grandma! She'd never talk to me again.

If you look carefully, you can see the ball. I thought this was going to be an interception, but it was far from it.

Peyton at the line, getting ready to throw

Drew Brees ready to throw

Peyton at the line.

Peyton calling a play.

Peyton throws the ball... This one's a little blurry...

Drew at the line, again

Nate Kaeding kicks a field goal... Oh yeah... :D

Neil and I at the game.

Neil's cousin Jonathan, brother Ray, Grandma, himself and I, celebrating after the game.

I ended up with almost 400 shots from mostly the game. These are just a few of my favorite. And, a few of the clearest. Unfortunately, some of the time I didn't pay attention to use my autofocus, so a few of the best shots aren't clear! Doh!

Demoted to total slacker.

2006-01-03T22:53:00.000-08:00

Okay. I'm sorry. I've been a bad blogger. There's been a lot going on lately, and I got really sick last week.. Okay maybe not really sick, but sicker than I've been in a long time.

I made progress tonight though- I actually have my pictures on my computer. Now I just need to post them. Hopefully that will go quickly.... LOL Its hard picking out the good ones. A lot of the ones from the fantastic game are blurry. I got some good shots though. But there are a lot more that would be great shots if they weren't blurry! Darn that beer making me not hit the button fast enough to get the autofocus to work. Yes I got a little buzzed at the game, but I didn't get drunk. That came later. In the hotel. Where I was not surrounded by Colts fans and wearing a Chargers jersey. Okay, I was still wearing the Chargers jersey, but it was mandatory. I wore LaDanian Tomlinson's #21, and I had turned 21! What better jersey to wear.

Great news came last weekend- my mom's lymph node was negative! Hooray! But she's going to have a little more chemo than we planned initially. Which completely stinks. This week, she has another test. After that test, we'll hopefully know the game plan from here- more of the same chemo, or start another 6 treatments of a different combination... *sigh* if only I could snap my fingers and my mom wouldn't have to have ANY more chemo and could do what she wants, which is go back to work already! Sheesh. It was great meeting her doc. And greater spending Christmas time with her. And Ben. And his wife and kids.

*sigh* If only we could have a big family Christmas again. Like it was in the old days. But the old days have come and gone haven't they? I'm just glad I'm young enough to remember the good ol' days, but old enough to know to appreciate them! hahahaa... How's that sound.

Okay, I'm rambling. Again. and I'm tired. So, I'm going to bed. Night!

Still can't wait.

2005-12-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

Neil left this morning to go to North Carolina for Christmas. I leave in 2 days! Yay! I love making short trips over the weekend. While they don't use enough time to do everything one wants to do, it really does make everything seem like it lasts a lot longer.

I leave Saturday for Arizona. And I'm slightly bummed because I seem to have caught a cold. So, I will probably have to wear a mask around my mom, and might not go with her to the appointment on Tuesday if I am sick. Apparently, both of my nephews have strep throat, so I won't be the only one. I also had planned on going up to Foresthill tomorrow night to drop presents off and have dinner with my grandma, but if I'm even remotely sick I don't want her to get it either... So I am going to see if I can drop them off with Dad instead...

Is it Saturday yet?

Semi-rhetorical question.

2005-12-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

How am I supposed to be the best that I can be, when people who are above me do not follow through with their end of the deal?

grrr... I just want to cry right now.

Slacker

2005-12-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know I'm a slacker. I got home Monday around noon, but had been up since midnight, so neglected to post here, and neglected to post the pictures I took at that fantastic Chargers vs. Colts game I went to. I promised myself I would do it last night.

Well, last night I went home and fixed myself a fabulous, but large, shrimp salad, and ended up visiting with my roomates until I was ready to crash, and again, neglected to post anything.

Tonight, I am planning on helping Neil finish his Christmas shopping because he leaves tomorrow for North Carolina (grr.. I still wish he could come with me!), Thursday night I am going to dinner with a good friend or three, and Friday I am hopefully going to go see my wonderfully cute Grandma Luella up in Foresthill. Saturday morning, I fly to Arizona. Sorry. I promise I'll get something posted soon picture wise.

My weekend went great- we didn't really do anything specifically for my birthday, but the trip was really more about the game and Neil's grandma, brother Ray and cousins Jonathan and Andrew. I am not even sure I ate a full meal all weekend- we were not on Indiana's time schedule, and ended up going down to the hotel lobby both evenings for Happy Hour. Never made it to a bar either, but that's okay. Saturday, Neil and I got into Indianapolis, took a nap, and waited for everyone else to arrive. Neil and I took a long walk around downtown, looking for a liquor market or store we could buy drinks from while we waited, and then when everyone else arrived we went down to happy hour. I got buzzed on wine, thought I was drunk, and ended up going to bed really really early. Sunday, we went to the game....

Ah the game. My new camera has a really great zoom capability. We were sitting up almost as high as was possible in the RCA dome, and some of the pictures I took look like we were sitting on the field!

The only downside to the weekend was a question I asked Neil that he took completely wrong, and I ended up crying... He is not really good with sharing feelings, or letting people know when they upset him- and I apparently did. His reaction was accentuated by a few beers, but we ended up having a long talk and sorted everything out. No problem. And that is one of the things I love about our relationship- we resolve things quickly- I won't have it any other way, especially if I think I have hurt him.

Anyway. As I said, I'll try to get the pictures up soon...

Nothing can go wrong today.

2005-12-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe it all can, but today, my attitude needs no adjustment.

Or at least that's the plan I want to try. :D hehehe

Our flight leaves at 12:15 am... Yeah... I'll be on a plane all night, but I don't care.

ah..... *sigh*

Being happy is so much more fun than anything else, especially when you feel as loved as I do today. Not just Neil, but my family. I couldn't have picked any better, and if I had a choice, I'd pick each and every one of them still.

And, I cannot wait to go see my mom again. Yay!

Think I can hold my breath until the 27th?

2005-12-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

My mom had a PET scan this afternoon to see if there are any lingering cancer cells they missed before- her CA125 levels have not really been dropping like they were. BUT, she doesn't get the results until the 27th, when she goes in for chemo again. Luckilly, I get to go with her and see what its all about. That might be hard emotionally, but it is an opportunity I will not let pass me by.

Excited about the game this weekend, Neil and I are going shopping tonight for "long underwear" to wear, and then I'm going to try and get all the gifts I need to ship to Arizona wrapped so I can ship it and not have to worry about carrying those with me on the plane next weekend! I can't believe its almost Christmas already.. Wow.... I need go get moving on my project for Mom. Bryce (my sister in law, Garrett's wife) and I got the idea when Mom was diagnosed with Cancer, and I've had it in my room ever since. Its about half way done, but the rest of it will just be waiting for paint to dry. I'll try to post a picture of it when its done... I'd tell you what it is, but I don't want her to find out early. :D

Anyway. Mom asked me if I have any ideas or desires for Christmas dinner. CRAB! Growing up, we always had Crab on Christmas Eve at my grandparents' house, and to some of us grandkids, its tradition... Crab never tastes as good to me as it does on Christmas... Its just somethign special.

What can I say? I love traditions.

All those Awfuls.

2005-12-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

I have always been a good student. I've usually had A's, some B's, and an occasional C. As this semester wraped up, and I recieved my final grades, a happy memory has come to mind.

Growing up, my grandpa used to tease me. We played cards, fished, and just spent good 'ol quality time together. Every time it snowed I tried to get to his yard to make a snow angel right outside his window. And whenever I got my report card, he always expected to hear how I had done. It was always our joke, that A stands for Awful, B for Bad, C and D I have since forgotten, and F was Fantastic.

I took my last final last night, and the teacher graded my test and added it in before I left. I got an A in that class. This morning, I remembered Grandpa and our tradition. While I cannot call him, I will call and let Grandma know.

I've also realized that since I'm no longer walking to and from a bus to school, and wandering around campus, I get colder easier. I'll have to remember to bundle up even more this weekend at the Colts/Chargers game... :D I can't wait! Indiana, I'm almost on my way.

Honestly now....

2005-12-13T16:56:00.000-08:00

My mom's CA125 levels have leveled off... They're going to do a PET scan to see if that helps figure out why they are not going down any more.

Today has been a good day, and I did something today I have not done in quite a while. I used to write poetry all the time, though I've never been one to write about the forests and oceans unless they were related to a dream or scenario in my mind. So, today you get to see a side of me few others see... As long as you promise not to laugh.

The looming shadow
Slowly surrounds my heart
Bringing with it a feeling of despair
Knowing neither that I am doing something wrong
Nor what the shadow truly means
I am without answers, without comfort

The shadow lingers now and then,
Rarely surrounding the inner channels of my heart
Though when it starts seeping in
It pours
Staining the fabric of my inner being
Like Merlot on a white carpet

Once removed, the remanants of the stain
Still linger like unwanted guests at the worst moment
"That" time impeding the much anticipated wedding night

This feeling of dread I cannot shake
Wanting to help but held captive behind
A panel of soundproof glass
Through which I can neither be heard nor felt
But can only watch the loved on the other side
Exist as if I never had

Deep calming breaths only bring the shadow closer
Excited hurried breaths still don’t send it away
This thing that once was a beatable obstacle
Slowly crashes down again
The unbreakable pillar being broken slowly from within

Out of reach, out of sight,
Recognizable only with more invasion
What will the answer be this time.

Time is a concept I can only begin to grasp
How long one has to spend with another
Is never a choice of ours
Circumstances out of our control

I would not wish to know the time and place
But do not want to withstand another drastic loss
As the shadow draws closer,
Sometimes looming, sometimes
Like water down the drain
Swirling, carried by the force of gravity
To a place one cannot see

While weighing on my heart like an elephant on a mouse tail.

Not as cheerfull as mine usually are, but I sure feel better after writing that.

What a day.

2005-12-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

Here's a problem with having been born and raised in the boondocks; I hate being in the city. I got a call from a placement agency that is quite interested in my resume, and wished to speak with me further regarding my opportunities... I drove down to Rancho Cordova for the interview only to get stuck in traffic. It took me an HOUR to drive twelve miles. Ok, not even that. 9 miles max. I went down there thinking that the lady I was meeting with would have a little something more for me than, 'Well, we have a new sales rep who is concentrating in your area, so something should come up soon'. Okay, so its my fault for misunderstanding what the purpose of this meeting was.

What can I say? I'm tired, sore, grumpy, and hungry. I just a) don't want to go to bed 3 hours early for fear I will wake up at 2am. b) can't take anything c) know I just need to get some sleep d) don't know what the heck to eat.

Yeah...

Irony strikes again.

2005-12-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

This morning when I wrote that post, I had no idea I would end up walking out of the office 10 minutes early (never do that unless I have a darn good reason) and applying to multiple jobs tonight. By choice, mind you, I was not fired.

This morning went... I was going to say well, but that is not really true. You see, I have not slept well the last few nights, and have been kind of grumpy because of that and these migranes today. 4 people called before 930 this morning asking for my boss, who is supposed to be in at 9, and was not there yet. He usually isn't in until 10 or 11. And who gets stuck fielding calls telling people he is not in yet, no i don't know why he hasn't called you back, no I'm not sure when he will be in. I do not even pay attention anymore to what time he walks in at, I can't- I get too mad. Why should I stay responsible and keep working when he doesn't even try to keep it going? There's a lot more to it than that, but I've already said more than I should.

So, I found a great list of job openings in my area, and I am sending my resume out tonight. I'm sick of wasting my time for a boss who doesn't even try.

*sigh*

Revelation...

2005-12-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

Duh.

I mentioned yesterday (if I didn't I thought about it and forgot to mention) that a few people have suggested dropping full time work for full time school. And, judging how work has been the last few months, some have reccommended finding something else. While I'm still looking, my revelation is this;

If, within the next 6 months, I do not find anything more promising/with a more flexible schedule, then after June, provided I pass the EMT class and all that it entails, I will be able to use that instead. That doesn't mean I'm not still looking, but its a comforting thought to know that if all else fails, that definitely will offer a more flexible schedule. And, should I decide to stick with that and become a paramedic, the teacher I am going to try to add into, is a head guy at a local service in the area, and his students always have an "in" at that company, and places it works with. And, they will help pay for additional training should one decide to become a paramedic/firefighter.

At least, if it doesn't work out for me I've tried it, gotten it out of my system, and will know whether or not I like it. Not that I need to convince anyone or anything.

Hmm. Well now that I feel I have really not accomplished anything by saying all this, I'm just going to go.

Don't even know.

2005-12-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

I don't even know what to write right now, but I am bored and need to do something. I am going to head to class early, and copy down the ISBN numbers off the books I'll need next semester so I can get that out of the way and buy them cheaper on half.com... Sierra likes to stick us with "required" packets that aren't really required. Last spring, that ended up costing me about $75 more than the books should have. So, I buy what I'll risk buying ahead of time, and get the rest after I meet the teachers and see what they really want us to use.

Lately, things have been weird. Neil and I are doing great, but I've realized that every year around this time I get antsy about marriage. I know we're not rushing into anything, but I've come to think its part of a little kick I fall into every fall/winter. I get depressed. Call it "winter blues". Nothing happens fast enough, though really everything is going just as it should. I get sad easilly, and don't know why. I feel alone, although I'm not. I start thinking I'm not doing enough, though while I could be doing more, I'm already doing a lot. Thoughts start popping into my head that haven't for a long time, and honestly don't need to be there. This week so far (*knock on wood*) is okay, but if it starts coming back again, I might get a little worried.

Anyway. I'm still looking for a new position, and am hoping that if I find something with a more flexible schedule I can take on more classes. Which will probably mean financial aid, but if it gets me through school faster, so be it. I'm also going to plan on taking summer courses too, just to keep moving along. At least now I know what pre-reqs I have to take in order to get into the nursing program at Sierra! I've had a few people I really trust either tell me flat out or hint that I need to drop work and go to a 4 year, but right now, I'm just not ready to do that. Call it lazy, I call it scared. A new job is enough change, and maybe if I start taking more classes, then by the time I am ready to transfer maybe I can make school a full time thing.

Unfortunately, right now, getting these migranes under control is a higher priority. I can't go to class if I can't see out of one eye or am throwing up... And, my PCP is starting up a private practice, so until he gets a contract with my insurance again, I have to see someone new! I'm so bummed. For now, we've decided to give the 2 preventative meds another month or so to see how they work, and might try another med. If that doesn't work, its off to a neurologist/headache specialist. I suck at keeping a headache diary.

Lately, I've been bummed that I'm not getting enough time with friends. Actually, that has been turning more into, do I even have friends who want to spend time with me? Most of the girls I know have a primary choice for hanging out with that does not involve me. And that kind of stinks. I'm trying to spend more time with my roomates, but our schedules usually don't match that well. Especially Shelby and I. Layce and I get a chance to chat at night when I'm home, but Shelby spends more time with her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, Neil is fantastic, I couldn't ask for any better, but I've gotta have my girl time. And since Garrett and Bryce (brother and his wife) moved down closer to me, Bryce and I don't spend as much time together... Strangely.

Saturday night I went up to Foresthill and had dinner with Grandma. That is always fun. And, I'm beating myself up now for not doing it more. Grandma's too cool not to spend time with.

I'm excited though, I can't wait until Friday. 1) I am going to the DMV to renew my license/get a new picture (no more tie-dyed shirt... (hey, it was spirit week at school when I went in to get my license for California)) 2) I'm going to dinner with dad! hahaha... Hopefully, I can hang out with the girls after that. But I get to hang out with my dad! I love doing that.

Anyway. Off to get those numbers for the books.

See? That wasn't so hard was it?

2005-11-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

Okay. I'm finally signed up for classes next semester. EMT and Ceramics. At least if I get EMT out of the way, I'll stop thinking about it... And, I have a lot of prerequisites before I can even get near nursing anyway. But now I also know exactly which classes I need to take (none of which include any more math! yay... unless I decide to brush up before chemistry... hmmm... not to worry about this semester though) and how long that should take me will depend on the depth of the class.

Anyway. I'm happy. And, that's really nice to be.

Splendid...

2005-11-22T07:04:00.000-08:00

(Note: Sarcasm)

So Neil just called.

I was supposed to pick him up at the airport tonight. Supposed.

Neither of us paid enough attention to his itenerary to notice that the flight was yesterday. (He usually flies in on say, Tuesday, and flies back on the same day of the next week.) He even went to the airport this morning, and didn't find out about the flight until he got there. The soonest he can get on one again is Thursday morning! He's supposed to get in around 5, and the Sacramento Airport is about an hour away. Dinner at Dad's is at 4. There goes that idea.

So this morning I'm bummed. Not only am I still itchy from the unknown rash, but I don't get to pick Neil up tonight, AND, the first holiday we were going to spend together with MY family, we won't...

Great start today eh?

Here's a fun game!

2005-11-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

Not...

I woke up this morning and went in to go take a shower... While the water warmed, and I brushed my teeth, I didn't see anything wrong with my face... Looked like my normal, still to early to be awake face. Then I washed it, and it felt grainy. Not the kind of grainy found when washing with a scrub (quite nice usually) but a grainy that started itching... I dried my face off gently, and when I could look in the mirror, I saw it was redder than usual. Upon closer inspection, I have a slight rash. At least, I think its a rash...

Its not really visible, especially since I was dumb enough to put powder on top of it this morning. But there are little bumps, overall a little pinkish, and quite itchy... The only other time I've had something like this was when I learned I'm allergic to Gain laundry detergent.
As far back as I can remember, we've always used Tide or Arm and Hammer Laundry detergent, but when I moved into my apartment, I switched to Gain, which my roomates were using, in order to safe money... That didn't work, and now I'm back to Tide, and usually itch free.

Now my face?!? And so far, behind my left ear. Grr... I took A benadryl this morning to keep some of the itch down, and keep me awake enough to function. Its helping a little bit, but I think I'm going to have to stop by the store on the way home tonight to pick up cream instead.

The Fun part? I have no idea where this is coming from this time. Not using any new products (within the last 2-3 weeks) and this doesn't look like a reaction I've had from meds. but I'm wondering if its really Gain I'm allergic to, or something unhidden that is now cropping up again? Grr..

Anyway. My stomach is calling, and its hungry.

Bummer...

2005-11-19T20:43:00.000-08:00

My stereo broke. This is not good! I love my music, love listening to the radio in the morning... I've been listening to the same radio show since I moved back to California... Its part of my routine! And now my stereo doens't work! No reason why either. I plugged it in (it was off when I plugged it in) and it doesn't turn on. No lights or anything...

So my laptop is my makeshift stereo. The thing I like about that is - no comercials! But, I don't have a lot of music on here, and definitely not the stuff I really want to listen to.

Anyway. lights are doing me in right now, and I'm going to go curl into a ball until my head stops pounding....

Spoiled Rotten

2005-11-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

And loving every minute of it.

Yep. Neil spoils me. But I spoil him too, and don't take it for granted so its okay.

Don't know us well enough and need an example? Read on.

I gross my office out every time Neil goes away (be it to Burning Man, Costa Rica, or some other week long trek), because every time, he sends me flowers. Because he knows I miss him. Every time. Flowers definitely don't replace not being able to talk to my best friend, but they sure are pretty. (they get grossed out because no one else does anything like that)

Another? Both of us can't stand holding onto a gift we bought in advance if we know the other will really like it. Last year, he bought me a laptop for my birthday, and gave it to me in November so we could use it on our trip to Costa Rica to watch DVDs. I can't remember what I gave him early for Christmas, but I know he fought me giving it to him (he fights me giving him almost anything, he just doesn't like me spending money on him... its not that he doesn't think he's worth it, but at the same time, that might be part of it).

He left for Costa Rica early early yesterday morning, and before he left, he gave me a new digital camera he had intended to give me for Christmas. He wanted me to be able to take pictures with it (thought I'm not going anywhere this week to take pictures of) and doesn't think the camera he gave me last Christmas is good enough.

And this afternoon, low and behold, a lovely boquet of flowers arrived at my office.

I had a wonderful title picked, and I just forgot what it was!

2005-11-16T13:58:00.000-08:00

SHeesh!

Anyway. I gave in.

I finally booked an appointment to get my head checked out. I hate going in to see a doc, mostly because I always feel like nothing has been accomplished. I don't go in for an Rx, I want the problem solved.

I've been getting a lot of migranes lately. By a lot, I mean just about one a day (if it even goes away) for the last two and a half weeks. Give or take a day or three. I haven't had them this bad for a long time.

I took a suggestion and tried sinus headache medication, but that doens't do anything. Advil, Tylenol, nothing will touch my head. (I know those wont help migranes anyway, but I had tried them because I am not totally convinced they are all migranes- hence, the appointment.) The prescription migrane med I have I won't take if I can't go home, and I'm sorry, but I can't afford to go home every day. When I was in high school, I couldn't go home during the day either. So, I've basically learned to live with it. If you have ever had a migrane, you know what it is like...

But I'm going to get more aggressive. I can't tolerate this anymore. I'm getting another one as I write. Yesterday, it started on the left side in the back of my head, moved up behind my left eye, then finally settled behind my right eye. This afternoon, its settling hard behind my left eye... I've missed 3 nights of classes in the last 4 weeks, because of this. Last semester, I got them alot, but not nearly as much as I am now.

Last time I saw my doc, he put me on Verapamil- a calcium channel blocker that is also a preventative med (i think) for these darn things. But as we talked, he said to try that for a while, if it didn't seem to be helping, stop that, and another med i was taking, and see how it goes. I did, and it didn't change. So now I'm back on, and they're still not changing.

I'm sick of not being able to focus. I'm sick of being in pain. I never used to get nausea with them too, and now I do every time. I'm sick of it! SICK SICK SICK...

So, I go in at 7 tonight to see what's going on. I just hope I can still see by then.

Update- 9:31 p.m. Same day...
I went in, but since they ouldnt get me in until the after hours clinic, the doc didn't want to do much, and said i really need to follow up with my pcp. which I plan on doing first thing tomorrow morning. he did write me 2 rxs, 1 for an anti-nausea med (which was a great thing, becuase about 2 hours after this post lost my lunch and everything that came before it. ) and the other for an additional preventative med... I just hate taking meds... I also hate people who aren't medical professionals trying to tell me what my problem is when they really have no idea what they are talking about. just because you worked in a doctors office does not mean you know my whole story and have the right to tell me what i should do. i didnt' ask for your opinion. Anyway... off to crash until morning... and maybe then some.

Weekend...

2005-11-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

Follow up- I talked to Neil last night about the holiday thing, and I know its just not something he thinks about. I think we are going to go to my dad's for dinner, and go see his dad later that weekend. Which will be fine. But I have a problem controlling the tone of my voice, and come across really pissed off sometimes when I am not. And at that moment, the worst thing someone can do is say "you're pissed". THAT, throws me off the edge. So quite often, when Neil and I are just talking, and I am calming myself down for something I shouldn't even be upset about, he will say something to the fact that I am angry, and I just can't get him to understand I have a tendency to vocally react before my mind mulls over something. IE the holidays. Before we had a chance to talk, we had a couple of things to pick up, so we went to the store. I didn't feel like talking, and we had to get into one store before they closed to look for a syringe to use for the tri-tip we were having for dinner. (If you've never tried that, they usually sell syringes you can use for injecting marinades into meat with deep fryer kits, or kitchen specialty stores usually have them. They are great!) But I didn't want to talk until we got everything out of the way and could talk undistractedly. Which gave off the impression that I really was mad. I've been working on not getting "mad" as he puts it, for the last three years. Sometimes I do get upset. I admit that, but he of all people, knows that telling me how you think I feel does not make anything better. Still, he does! Today, I find it funny. Because we also know that we solve whatever problems that may come up quickly. I can't stand thinking that I might have done something wrong and that he's not happy with me. So I get over it, and we talk some more.

I love talking to Neil. He's so intelligent it amazes me constantly. Anyway. I am off to go find gifts for a baby shower tomorrow... But I wanted to post the requested picture of Keilani... I took this out at dinner last Saturday Night while I was in Arizona. Hope ya'll are having a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

Alyssa and Keilani

Holidays...

2005-11-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

Its starting already.

Who else has half of their Christmas shopping done?

I know, its disgusting. I really do.

Right now though, I'm stuck. Neil and I have already made plans for Christmas, unfortunatley, they are separate. Why? I will be in Arizona. I need to be with my mom. He will be in North Carolina, because his step-niece and nephew will not be with their mom (Allison, Neil's brother Ray's wife) next year, and his mom asked for his whole family to be together with the kids. They haven't had a holiday together in a long time. His sister is flying out from Oregon, and all 3 kids will be together for Christmas for the first time in they can't even remember how long.

Last Thanksgiving, we were in Costa Rica, with his mom, and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with his mom. The year before that, I was in Arizona for Christmas and we spent Thanksgiving with is dad. See a pattern? Neil doesn't come with me for holidays with my family, and my dad gets overlooked.

This year I have had a really heavy heart and a strong desire to actually spend Thanksgiving with my dad. The last few years, he has done a dinner the Saturday after, but not only was I still in Costa Rica last year, it just isn't the same.

Last weekend, my dad called, invited Neil and I to his house for Thanksgiving, and said we'll decide on the details later. No problem, except Neil doesn't remember talking about it. My memory isn't perfect either, but I know we talked about eating at my dad's, then going to his dad's over the weekend.

Apparently, that conversation didn't happen. Neil's dad called today and invited us to Thanksgiving dinner with their family. Neil agreed, then called me to let me know the plan.

Their dinner is far enough away we can't do both. We haven't seen his dad this year (okay Neil went fishing with him once, for half a day), and I'd really like to spend time with his side of the family- I haven't met anyone there.

And now I'm thinking, how much of an overeacting emotional something am I? I'm crying (almost) over this.

But is it really too much to ask to spend time with my family too?

No, it isn't.

So I'm going to take a deep breath, and move on to something else.

Its one holiday. There will be plenty more to share.

Two weeks already eh?

2005-11-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

Wow. I can't believe its been two weeks since I have posted last. I suppose my only excuse is that I have been stressed out, busy, and attacked with multiple migranes/whatever type of headache I am constantly hit with, that might not have yet been properly diagnoed.

Anyway. Things are (hopefully) calming down now, and I'm hoping to keep on here more. To make up for it, I've posted a bunch of pictures from my trip to Arizona this weekend. I flew out to Phoenix Friday night, to see my mom and surprise my niece Alyssa for her birthday. Sad thing was, when I knocked on her door Saturday morning, she didn't know who I was! So, I'm bound and determined to not let two years go by again in which they do not see me. Its just not cool for the kids not to know their aunt! Sheesh.

I had a great time though, got a major piece of mind about how well my mom is doing (which is, extremely well, considering).

I went ice skating for my first time, with Alyssa's friends for her birthday party- and I didn't fall once! Even with 2-3 kids at a time running into me.... Which brings up another point- if you ever go ice skating, or rollerskating/blading for that matter, with kids, watch out. They tend to use adults they are familiar with as a wall/stopping point. If you're not used to skating, that can get challenging.

Anyway. I can't think of much else to say, mostly because my head is starting to erupt in pain again, and I want to hit the hay. Enjoy the pictures (sorry, they're not that tallented, and completely unedited) and I'll try to keep posting.

2005-11-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

Ben and Jaden

I forget what kind of baboon this is

Kids at the wall

Riley and Mima

Roses

All four

Kids and Zebras

Gotta have that Ice Cream

Riley with Alyssa's roses

Jaden

Comfortable

2005-10-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

I spend all day today at a local health fair/flu shot clinic, talking about the company I work for and promoting it to whomever walked by...

Yesterday, I had a hard day. Mainly stress, but also knowing that this second course of chemo is hitting my mom a lot harder and she really is not feeling well... I almost didn't go to class last night, because the teacher's mom and cancer survivor was speaking about her treatment and such. I did not want to sit there looking at someone who had beat it and was doing so well, knowing that my mom feels like absolute crud right now. No, not just crud, but as far as I can tell, crud that has been stepped in, and walked around on ... x4.

But I ended up going, ended up crying, ended up talking to the mom, was reassured a thousand times over that while I will NEVER feel like I am doing enough to help her, I really am doing enough. And, I found a new friend... You ever meet one of those girls you just think is not really your style/type of friend and something happens that draws you close together? Yeah... My first impression of this girl was that she was totally preppy, and stuck up... Ironic too, because she was the cheerleading captain for Sierra last year and I cheerleaded in 8th grade to prove that not all cheerleaders are stuck up. (hey Brenda, I'm doing the ellipses thing again.. hahaha)

While I was talking to the mom, the girl was talking to the teacher, and the teacher spilled about why I was talking to the mom. Not that I mind, because the girl is really supportive... And! She knows not only what it is like to lose people close to you, but to lose one of your best friends (that is close to your age). I cried. And learned we have a lot in common...
1) We are both former cheerleaders
2) We both would like to be an EMT (she's in training, I haven't made it there yet, but have always wanted to test it out before I go into nursing (I've ruled Heald out...) .. although now I'm working more on going towards a fast track to nursing... I'm gonna stop rambling and just say I need to go meeet with a school counselor about my goals...)
3) We both have asthma.
4) We both have lost a best friend, tragically
5) We both, at different times, have felt like we have no family. (Okay, for me it wasn't NO family, but more of no present family.. no one nearby- I was ignored where i lived.. or fought all the time where I lived.. That has passed now)
6) We both have watched (well.. she's going through it now) a grandparent near their end stages of life (for me, both of my grandparents).

So, in this moment I am proud of my maturity in accepting the differences we have and don't have and am glad to have a new friend...

Now the real reason I sat down to write this, was that last night in class, I was talking to the Mom about how we still "feel" people we have lost. I told her about my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, where I made my Grandpa (Kenneth) promise he would be at my wedding, to see my grandkids, and be there with me at my 50th anniversary. :D I know that when I do marry, he will be watching over me. I think about him a little more, because I wish he could have met Neil. But my other grandpa and I had the M&M thing, and as I've already stated, I still cannot eat M&Ms any other way than how he taught me- by color! I might not necessarily "feel" their presence, but my feeling towards them is still strong...

I'm not sure that makes any sense... I'm eating M&Ms right now...

Before I went to Florida, I picked up a book at Bel Air called Through Violet Eyes. The book is about people born with violet eyes, who contact those "not quite on the other side" i.e. those dead but in the middle, not having gone to wherever they are supposed to go. They are in limbo.
Okay, now if you will picture Sam in Ghost, coming into Whoopi Goldberg's character... in the book, whoopi would be the violet eyed person, and Sam would be telling someone through whoopi how he died... the violet eyed people can control who comes in through them, and who doesn't and when. they are called upon often to solve murders by recalling those who have died.

Okay... Now comes the hard part. If you have lost anyone you were close to, and you could talk to them today, would you, and what would you say or want to know?

Something that changed with me after Tawnya died, is that I try to be more cautious about telling people how I feel about them- i.e. I try to make sure we don't hang up without telling my mom/dad/neil/whoever that I love them (as applicable). I know part of why I feel the way I do about Tawnya is that I was able to talk to her before she "died" (only in parenthesis because she was in a coma on life support, and I don't know about brain activity to know whether or not she was still "here") . Same with my grandpas. I made sure they knew I loved them.

LOL When my grandpa Ken had a stroke, and was in the hospital, I believe on hospice care, I went with my dad to go see him. We stayed with him for a while, and on our way out, stopped at the gift shop. I found this pug/bulldog stuffed animal, and KNEW that I had to get it for Grandpa. Dad obliged, and let me run back to Grandpa's room to give it to him. He couldn't talk, but somehow managed a laugh for me when I handed it to him. I told him I loved him, and he did the best he could to tell me he loved me too. After he died, Grandma made sure I got it back... Its one of the few stuffed animals I keep out still, and I'll never forget that laugh...

*sigh*

Sidetracked....

2005-10-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you know I'm on one mission, but in my quest, I have been sidetracked... LOL

I'm currently taking night classes at a local community college (which is now about 10 minutes from my house.. oh yeah!) towards an A.S. in something I have yet to decide. I've been taking courses there for three years, and excluding credits not completed from this semester, I have earned 25 credits towards my general ed... I had been planning on taking math and Spanish next month (towards more general ed) and enrolling in the EMT program next fall. At the rate I am going, it would take probably another 3-4 years to graduate.

There is a non-profit private career college nearby, (about 5 minutes from my house! yay!) that offers a Medical Assistant program. Some of the courses I have taken at Sierra (current college) will transfer to the new program at Heald. The school also offers job placement services for life, and receives job offers for current and graduated students all the time. It is more expensive (about 8,000 a year, 300 a quarter in books), but I could get financial aid (which I have been avoiding- I am paying cash for the courses I take now). And, if I applied myself, I could be out in 2 years.

It sounds great, and besides being a little daunting to go through so much change, my main concern is the financial aspect. An A.S. in 2 years sounds really nice, especially with the career pacement. The Medical Assistant program trains for both front and back office procedures, and would give me a start... Since the semester at Sierra ends in December, I wouldn't start at Heal until January. I have a little while to decide. Any thoughts?

88 & 89

2005-10-16T02:58:00.000-07:00

LOL Do you ever re-read your own blog? I just did a little bit of that myself.... And I realized that on my 100 things, I think I made my answers to 88 & 89 a little confusing.

"88. I gave up. I made a rather unfortunate conclusion.
89. I am a family person."

Me being a family person is not the unfortunate conclusion. I love that I am a family person. The unfortunate conclusion has to do with someone else not quite being that big of a family person, if you could call the person one at all... But, I will not post the unfortunate conclusion here. Partially, out of respect. Partially, because for once I am actually not taking something as personal as I normally would. I'm moving on. Its not my problem. It is also not my loss!

Simple Request?

2005-10-16T02:23:00.000-07:00

Hey howdy hey and good morning. I have yet to go to sleep yet today, this morning really, because I just got home about an hour and a half ago. Yep. I cleaned my usual every-other-Saturday house and then put in another 5 and a half hours at the office... And I was not able to get out and about first thing this morning not because I had golf class (it rained, no class when it rains), but because I woke up with a nasty headache and went back to sleep. So, I left the office at 1230...

Now, I am sitting here thinking of all the qualifications I would like my job to have. Why? Because all I have read all day are ads for jobs requiring qualifications I don't yet have... But I'm working on that one.

Instead of making myself feel worse than I already do (wouldn't ya know, I got yelled at both today and yesterday for, you guessed it, not really anything at all!), I thought it might help if I make a list to remind myself what I am looking for!

1) A position in which my immediate supervisor is actually qualified to be in their position.

2) A position in which the people around me are not threatened if one of us has more experience than another in a certain field, and therefore do not take their inadequate feelings out on the rest of us.

3) A position in which the head honchos do little to kill the morale. I like to work my butt off, give me a reason to want to work it off harder!

4) A position in a professional environment where no one yells (unless there is a darn good reason to- i.e. you have to raise your voice in order to be heard on the other end of the phone by the 89 year old you are speaking with, or there is a *heaven forbid* fire.) at anyone else.

5) A position that allows me to grow into being the person I am yet to find out who will be, by challenging me, strengthening me, and guiding me towards achieving my full potential.

6) Possibly a position that pays for further education (Nursing school anyone?) . (Or will bring flexibility that allows me to take the courses.)

7) While this is a changing world and minds should be allowed to change, a position in which those minds do not change with the wind.

8) A position in which the people I speak to actually listen to me, and remember what I have said when important, so that as to avoid them feling like they need to go against request #4.

9) A position that allows me to work with people, because that can be really fun.

10) A position that offers room to climb the ladder, preferably with more than 3 rungs.

How's that?

*sigh* Did I tell you on the flight back from Orlando the plane stopped in Phoenix? I sat on the plane for probably a good 45 minutes (How long does it take for one group to get off, the attendants to go through, count, clean, and another group to board?) knowing that my mom was only about 10 minutes away! That really sucked! So, I came home and bought another plane ticket. :D hehehe.. I'll be there on the 4th, which is only a litle over two weeks away! hahahaha... That makes me so happy. Mom says my homework is to have a new job before I come... LOL

And Neil and I have been better than ever after our little chat. Thats another thing I love about him, not only does he always amaze me, but when we need to talk about something like that, we find a solution or common-ground fast. We've never said goodnight mad at each other. It helps that he is so darn hard to get mad at, but still. We think a lot alike, or similar enough that we can appreciate each other's logic and honestly discuss anything. I'm the one who freaks out, he's the one who calms me down, and rightfully so. We balance each other out, thankfully so... I feel like the luckiest person in the whole world...

Before I make myself cry, I'm going to have a crack at sleeping. Thanks for listening. (I might say that every time... LOL It feels like a good ending.)

New resolution...

2005-10-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

I need to not talk about work. It stresses me out too much.

The conference went okay. Until our plane stopped in Phoenix on the way back home. In Phoenix, I called Mom to tell her where I was, but wouldn't be able to see her. We got to talking about me coming out for Thanksgiving, and she brought up another idea, which I am going to try to follow instead. when I hung up, I mentioned to the co-worker/girlfriend of the boss I was with about flying out when Mom suggested instead of for Thanksgiving.

Her response? "Oh so the one year we give you both holidays off (for the record, Thanksgiving and Christmas are both paid holidays off that our whole office (minus the on call drivers) have off) you don't even take it?" that and something to the effect of them already having plans for THanksgiving...

For the record, earlier this year, I questioned about the possibility of having the days surrounding the holidays off so that I might go see Mom for Thanksgiving, and go with Neil for Christmas to the Carolinas to see his family. This was BEFORE we learned my mom has cancer. Also for the record, I have only submitted a time off request (which has been granted) for Christmas.

Anyway. I'm finally getting around to setting clockwork in motion to get rid of that problem.

In the meantime, the conference went well, but of course most of what I learned I can't put to use until the "new" software is implemented. I got sick over the weekend, a cold that strangely went to my chest first, and I took yesterday off sick... Another reason why the clockwork is in motion- apparently some words were exchanged in my absence yesterday that has turned some negative tension enfused turned positive attitudes negative again, and this time to another level I refuse to be subjected to.

Speaking of Mom, she is doing well. Starts her second round, I believe, next Wednesday. Her doc also said he's never seen the CA-125 levels shoot down so fast so soon! And, she won't have to go through as much chemo...

Conversations with Neil continue, and I continue to be more thankful every second that he is in my life. I think we're starting to understand our misunderstandings even further, and I'm trying to remember that he knows what he is doing... LOL I am way too impatient, and its a good thing he balances me out. Neil is very level-headed. Its not that he doesn't want to get married, its that he knows we both have things we need to accomplish before we can get there. *sigh*

Meanwhile, I'm going to go tackle my resume... suggestions? tips? Anyone want to write it for me? LOL

That just reinforced my initial decision.

2005-10-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

Last time I posted, I wrote about a situation with Neil.... That has since been resolved- I told him I'm not looking for a date set in stone, but by throwing out a date just needed to know if it might be possible. It is, we agreed, and now I appreciate more than ever how comfortable I am with him. I also appreciate the honesty we both have with each other, its something I never doubt.

I've also posted about frustrations with my job. The last week or so has been fine- someone else has come back into the picture and is helping sort some things out. But there are still kinks in the system.

We offer a 24 hour on call emergency service. We have drivers assigned to be on call on the weekends (I am one of them) but we have never had it stated who is to take the call when someone calls during the week. Last night, a patient called, and his cousin's (also a patient) suction machine took a fall, and the collection canister broke. This is not the kind of machine you want to break, especially for this patient. The call came in at 4:30- our regular delivery driver had already gone home, and had plans for that evening. Our pharmacist, the next person to usually take it, had IVs to fill, and another job to go to that he was already half an hour late for. I had a test in class, that I did not have the time to make up if I missed it. (I already have to try to figure out how to make up the test I have to miss tomorrow night because of the conference they are sending me to.) The other availible person could not take it because "I've only been there once before and I don't want to get lost."

Well, I had never been there before at all. Yes, had. My test started at 6:30, so they felt I had enough time to get there and back in time. WRONG! I left by five, to go to a town usually about 45 minutes away, but during rush hour, it didn't take 45 minutes to get there. It took at least an hour. Once at the patient's house, I could not just drop the canister and run, I had to make sure it was in fact the right item (which I had done over the phone before I left, but not all people are extremely clear in what they want- this guy was) and make sure some of the other items were functioning properly before I could leave. Between checking everything out and driving back to town, it was at least another hour. From town, another 20 minute drive to school and a 10 minute walk to class. I was an hour late to class, and nearly missed the test. I had informed my teacher of the situation before I left for the house, but any other teacher would not have let me in. I got lucky- my teacher let me come in and take the test, an hour late.

They're going to talk more today about what to do during the week for call, and I have bad news for them. I have three night classes during the week. School is slightly more important than work to me right now, especially when I have a test! Three nights means homework, which I do not always have time to do on the weekends. I volunteered to take call on the weekends, because someone else is not always able to do so for reasons I won't mention because they will only frustrate me more. I was being helpful. Weekends are easy. During the week, possibly having to miss a lecture or a test is not acceptable to me. I'm not covering for anyone else but myself.

The person who couldn't go because she hadn't been there but once before is also the person I am going to the conference with this weekdend. I'm hoping I can let go of this frustration before then- especially if they didn't book us seperate rooms. grrr....

Anyway, I have a short errand to run before work this morning, and I need to get moving...

Long talk...

2005-10-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time trying to decide how to start this... I have something I need to get off my chest, even though I did a fairly good job of it last night.

Neil and I have been together two and a half years, and are still going strong. We have talked about religion, finances, kids, moving out of state, jobs, school, etc. We both agree we would like to get married, settle down and have kids, and we both agree that it is not an immediate desire.

We are also both kid crazy. We have a few friends/family who have had kids or are starting their families, and we spend time with them every now and then to get our "kid fix." And while we agree we definitely want to have kids after we are married, we end up talking about kids more often than we talk about getting married, or what more we need to do before we make it official.

Neil is eager. The excitement in his voice makes me feel like he wants to start a family now. But if I bring up getting married, he clams up... It seems more often than not, its okay to talk about what we're going to do after getting married, but its not okay to talk about actually getting married.

To me, if we can talk about one, we should be able to talk about the other. Last night, I got upset. Now, I trust that Neil will propose and we will marry when we are ready, and I trust his judgement. But, like I am, I already have a date picked out in my head. Last night, he started talking about babies, and how nice it would be to have one, so I made a mistake and mentioned the date... Not a demand, just a thought to see if it might possibly match the timeline in his head. He wouldn't confirm or deny it. Him not wanting to talk about it, but being able to talk about the kids we want to have after we get married hurt my feelings... Its okay to talk about all the kids we want to have, but not the actual wedding? I don't think so.

I talked to him about it, and I've made it clear I'm not trying to pressure him. I trust his timeline, and know that we still have other things we want to do. But some kind of timeline would be nice to keep in my head, and he won't give me any sort of one. I'm not saying we need to get engaged right now or tomorrow, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Especially since we have not only talked about having kids and getting married, but which month we would like to get married in- just not the year.

My conclusion is that if we are not planning on getting engaged anytime soon, we need to stop talking about the kids. I can't handle it, without having a date in mind to look forward to. The date I had in mind is over a year from now, so I thought no big deal. And its just an idea- the date would be our four year anniversary- not a short amount of time to date someone before getting married (I know, people have gone longer and its not the end of the world). We both also agree we want to wait a few years after getting married to have kids, and look forward to starting our family togethter, but it doesn't make sense to me that it is okay to talk about one thing, and not the other.

It hurts. The more we talk about kids the more excited we both get, and the sooner we want it to happen- therefore the sooner I get to hoping we'll get married. My desire to discuss that further has nothing to do with wanting to get married even within the next year, but to know that it will happen maybe within two. If that is not even open for discussion, then I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about the kids just yet either. Getting married is one thing, but being able to carry a child for him is an experience I cannot even imagine...

In the meantime, I'm going to take a walk, say a prayer and dry my tears. Thanks for listening.

Probably more than you'll ever want to know- 100 things about me

2005-09-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

1. Lets start from the beginning- I was born in Auburn, California
2. I lived in Foresthill, Ca for 18 years
3. I moved to Oregon for 2 years
4. I lived with my mom in Oregon
5. I ended up moving in with her because my dad and I had a fight
6. I wanted to visit her for the summer then decide whether or not I wanted to stay for school. He said, no, you'll decide now
7. I said fine, I'll go stay there for a year.
8. I was in Oregon the next week.
9. My dad is a really great guy, I was just a horrible child. (there was more to the argument than I'll fess up to here)
10. I've gotten a lot smarter since I was 14.
11. Instead of referring to my clostest/best friends as friends, I usually end up calling them my "sister"
12. I've had two of these "sisters" that I have referred to as "sister" most often.
13. I've known my "sister" Beth since I was about a year old.
14. I grew up in the same town as both sets of my grandparents.
15. My fondest memories from when I was little were with them.
16. I used to go fishing with Grandma and Grandpa N- and Carl (if you met him Brenda)
17. Carl was one of Grandpa and Grandma's card buddies. Carl used to let me put the bait on his hook.
18. I remember one of the last times I talked with Grandpa N. before he passed away.
19. We were playing cards, and I was winning.
20. This time, he wasn't letting me win.
21. One of the things he said was "Be nice to me, I'm sick."
22. I told him, you're not sick, you're just having surgery, you'll be fine. (That was in August, and He was fine, until he had a stroke...)
23. My favorite card game, thanks to those grandparents, is Shanghi Rummy.
24. I can't even remember how old I was when I started playing, but I am pretty sure I was in elementary school.
24. My other grandpa taught me to sort the M&Ms by color before I ate them.
25. I still can't eat different colored candies without sorting them first.
26. I don't care how silly it seems.
27. I've always known that M&Ms tasted best out of his dispenser.
28. Before he died, he promised me (multiple times) that I would get it when he died.
29. I don't have it. My grandma does.
30. I'm not trying to be selfish. We just had an agreement.
31. I promised him I would always keep it full.
32. He called me his Baby Girl.
33. I'm really happy I got to tell him I love him before he died.
34. I'm also really thankful that Neil was such a good sport. He joined me in the hospital when Grandpa was a little delirious.
35. I am a huge Frank Sinatra fan.
36. No, I don't care whether or not he was involved in the mob.
37. No, I also don't care how much he slept around. The man can sing!
38. If I could meet anyone dead or alive, I think I would have chosen Frank.
39. If I could have a superpower, I would want to breathe underwater.
40. Actually, I would choose the ability to take pain away from others and onto myself.
41. I really don't go to church as much as I should. But I am trying to define my beliefs for myself...
42. I used to play the congas in the worship team up in Oregon.
43. That was why I kept going back to the church.
44. When we went down to Mexico on our mission trip, I was asked to play with Pete (my fellow conga drummer!) and the Mexico church's all acoustic guitar and vocal group, La Rondalla.
45. I've never played in front of that many people before.
46. I wish I had a group to play with now.
47. I have never really liked my name.
48. My dad wanted to name me Yohanna.
49. I'm not sure whether he wanted to spell that with a J or a Y.
50. My mom wanted to name me Natalie.
51. Right now, I like Natalie better.
52. I've always wished my name were Michelle.
53. I know my name isn't that bad. I just know too many boys with the same first and or middle name too.
54. One morning when I woke up, I noticed you can make any other number on a digital clock out of an 8
55. 8 have been my favorite number ever since.
56. Neil spoils me
57. I don't mind.
58. I spoil him too sometimes. He hates it.
59. I love to cook, but am not always creative.
60. I love fish.
61. I think I could live off of shrimp, scallops, halibut, and crab.
62. Maybe not. I like my carbs a little too much.
63. I need to lose weight.
64. About 30 pounds would be nice.
64. I just like to eat too much.
65. I sleep with a teddy bear.
66. But use it as a body pillow.
67. I am bummed that my parents live in different states.
68. I want my kids to grow up knowing their grandparents as well as I knew mine.
69. I want an outdoor wedding.
70. I will never be able to repay my mom for bringing me down to California before my best friend died.
71. I was able to tell her goodbye.
72. I honestly think she was waiting for me to say "okay" before she let go.
73. While I don't remember it when I think of her, I will never forget how she looked in the hospital bed.
74. I don't care.
75. I listen to country music.
76. Aside from Ol Blue Eyes, my favorite musician is Paul Wright.
77. I went to church with him up in Oregon. He now has a contract with Gotee records.
78. If money were no matter, I would love to travel, learn photography, and set up an art studio at home.
79. I love working with clay.
80. I always get stuck at this number when counting. I cannot remember what comes after 79.
81. I have won awards for some of the projects I have made.
82. Including two "Best of Shows"
83. I would give my life for any of my friends or family.
84. That usually also includes people I just met.
85. I try to be compassionate/caring in that way.
86. I get worried that people don't like me.
87. It comes from living in a house for 2 years where a certain person (who shall go nameless) made me feel like I was worthless.
88. I gave up. I made a rather unfortunate conclusion.
89. I am a family person.
90. Even really extended family is family to me.
91. Everyone so far we've found with our same last name (spelling) is realted to us in one way or another.
92. I love that.
93. I used to not want to take on a husband's last name.
94. Now I wouldn't mind. (Especially if it is Neil's last name!)
95. I have a spending problem.
96. I've don't have proof that I've ever broken a bone.
97. But I did take a face dive in PE in 7th grade. I scared the secretary when I walked into the office.
98. My brother called me Scarface for a month.
99. Now he calls me Sparky.
100. I think I could go on...

Sorry folks

2005-09-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

I definitely don't win the award for most consistant posting, that's for sure.

Thursday night was my roomate Shelby's 21st birthday, and we had a little shin-dig at our apartment. Low key- no police were called, although the neighbor did come asking us to quiet down. Turns out it wasn't us at all, it was the guy actually below her (she lives diagonally above us, and is not a nice person anyhow). Yeah...

Friday night, two of my friends from Chico State came down to hang out. We went out to dinner, back to my place, watched movies... Nothing too exciting there.

Saturday, goodness. I forgot what I did for a minute. Saturday one of my other good friends came up to Neil's house and hung out for a while. Sunday was football, last night was homework, and now we're back to Tuesday.... Boring aren't I?

Things went better than expected today; a lot of drama I anticipated didn't happen at all, thankfully. I hadn't heard from my mom since Saturday when I called her after my golf class, and I started not liking that. So I e mailed her. Then, I realized that when my best friend was hospitalized with her chemo almost 4 years ago, I heard everything after the bad stuff had already passed. I don't want that to happen with my mom. All of a sudden, not having talked to her since Saturday freaked me out. So I wrote her again, and asked that if I don't get in touch with her one way or another, that she tries to keep me updated every other day- at least a short little e mail saying "not feeling too hot today, but feeling hot because its arizona and forecasted to be in the 100s today again..." You know, quick and easy I'm still here stuff...

She knows, and I know, that I am positive about her treatment, and that she will be fine. Its not that I think she will react to the chemo the same way I think Tawnya did. Its just that my brain has a habit of turning things into something else and overreacting. She wrote me back and said she had been thinking about me too.

Then she did what I asked her too, and filled me in on her condition. Now, some of you who have ready my blog before know that if I could have any one super power, breathing underwater (come on, how cool would that be...) would only come second to having the power to take pain/illness away from someone else and onto myself. So hearing that My MOM, one of the most awesome people I know, is achy, lightheaded, and constantly feeling wiped out is not fun for me. My mom does not sit still. She is usually always in the garden, the yard, at church, at work, or of course, with the grandkids.

I know being sick is not the same as having your body basically poisoned to kill off the cancer, but I do know that, especially for a person as active as she, not having enough energy to do what you want to do is no fun. And knowing that she will be feeling like this off and on for, what? 6 months? I'm having a hard time with it.

All I know is, I'm so thankful to finally have a place of my own (if you can call an apartment with two other roomates that... LOL) and to have the friends and family I do have. If I were still in my previous living situation, I would be falling apart even more. If I did not have the most wonderful man God ever created standing by my side, I would probably be worthless. And honestly, its not that I don't believe my mom won't come through this- I know she will. Its that I can't stand to see her go through it! Especially since I can't be there. 4 days in December is too short, and not soon enough. I've got to start looking at my calendar and see what else I can do.

Meanwhile, anyone who has any good ideas for activities that my mom can do, alone or with the kids (hey now, my brothers and I will always be her "kids"- we're just bigger kids) that won't completely wipe her out, please pass them on. Sitting at home for such an active person is getting old. She's been scrapbooking, has books, movies, puzzles... LOL we're running out of ideas. And while she doesn't have a lot of energy, even little trips/things that will get her up and around would be nice. I just can't think of any! Ideas or no, thanks for the ideas. I'm feeling a little better just having written this, and need to hit the road before they start shutting down lanes (they're doing construction on the interstate out here, and have been shutting down 2 of 3 lanes- i'm fine with that, but I have a major pet peeve about the people who wait until the absolute last nanosecond to merge. Last week, I left enough room for four cars to get in front of me, and every single one of the cars passed- goodness there must have been at least 100- and of course, at the end of the lane, they expect everyone to just let them right on in when they've had 5 miles of "Lane Closed" warnings! just merge already you ... hahaha.. won't say that word now..)

Happy writings...

Scaring the crap out of my teacher...

2005-09-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have nutrition class on Tuesday nights. Last night, we were supposed to come to class prepared to work out a little- the teacher had prepared a work-out we could do easily at home or anywhere else, without needing any gym equipment. I went to class prepared, but unable to concentrate because I have been fighting off a migrane/tension headache for the last few days.

We started the exercises, and knowing I have asthma, and that sometimes the attacks come on a little harder with exercise, I took it a little easy. Apparently, not easy enough. Half way though the routine, I grabbed my inhaler and flashed it to the teacher as I ran out the door.

I'll tell you here and now you will never find me smoking a cigarette because I have seen first and foremost what it does to someone. Oh sure, one might have a few years with no problems, but before too long, one will start to notice slowly not being able to catch their breath as well. I watched my grandpa struggle to breathe as we both grew older, and I saw not only how he could barely walk around the house, but how his poor health affected the rest of our family. But back to my point.

When I ran out the door, no one followed me, but I didn't want anyone too. I had flashed the inhaler to the teacher as I ran out, so that she knew I wasn't ditching. I quickly walked outside and around the corner of the building and used my inhaler. By that point, not only did I feel like I couldn't get any air into my lungs, but it felt like my throat was closing up as well. I started feeling like I was choking, and quickly walked to the bathroom to avoid throwing up in front of everyone or in a path frequently travelled. A second shot with the inhaler and I was breathing a little better, but still struggled to catch my breath.

The whole time I was having trouble, I was thinking about my mom. I was trying to stay calm so as not to aggrivate it more, and I started thinking of what makes me feel more comfortable. Well, Mom starts Chemo today, so thinking about her made me want her here, and I got more upset because she really couldn't be here.

Either the Albuterol of the shock of the attack always makes me shaky (I think its more of the Albuterol- when I use it but am only starting to have trouble breathing, I still shake, even if I stay calm, which I am pretty good at doing. The shock and stress comes on after I can breathe again.) and my heart was racing. I had walked back to the classroom, and was still sitting outside trying to get a hang on everything when the class had a break. A nice guy (whose aunt manages the apartment complex I live in) stopped to ask if I was okay, and when I figured everyone had made it out of the classroom I went back inside to sit down. It was cooling down outside, and with the shaking, the cool was only making it worse. My teacher broke off her conversation with another student, and came to ask me if I was okay.

She saw how much I was shaking, and checked my pulse. I usually have a fairly high heart rate anyway, but with the attack it was soaring. (Sorry, I don't have an exact number for all of you other medcally interested people.) That scared her as it was, but I was still wheezing, so she was even more concerned. She asked if I wanted fruit, water, or what else she could do, but at that point, there was nothing more to do (that I knew of) than to wait for it all to calm down again. Connie (teacher) led me back outside, brought out some of the cut melons she had brought as a snack, and had another girl sit outside with me until I could breathe okay and stop shaking. (Which was cool because a storm was coming in and we were able to watch the lightning strikes on the horizon.)

An hour and a half later, I was still shaking. Granted, when I shake, it is usually just one side/extremity. Last night, it was my right arm. Class got out, and everyone went home. By that time, if I could hold on to something, the shaking was a little better. I was a little hesitant, but felt I could drive. Connie lives in the same apartment complex that I do, and though I politely refused a ride home (there was no way to get my manual transmission car home) she did follow me to the complex to ensure I made it safely. We parted ways, and as soon as I parked I called her to thank her (I really felt like giving her a big hug, but was not about to walk across the complex to do so- so, I am going to try to come up with something neat to get her as thanks instead) and let her know I was making it to my door in safety.

Still shaking slightly and trying not to cough, by the time I finally was able to lie down, I felt so wiped out I could barely move. Oh my mind was racing, and I had a hard time falling asleep, but my body felt like I had swam across the San Francisco Bay. It is always hard breathing after an asthma attack. One breath in too deep, and a coughing fit will start. If you're like me and you cry a little bit because of the stress, you can't breathe in through your nose. When I finally lay down, I found I had to ease myself down in order to avoid the fit. I called my mom, but had to cut the call short. Mind still racing, I popped in a DVD, and soon enough was able to fall asleep.

I consider myself lucky. I have never been to the hospital for an asthma attack, don't take medication for it daily, and rarely have the attacks. I keep trying to convince myself part of the asthma is really me being out of shape, but in reality I know that is not entirely true. It doesn't help, but asthma is asthma unfortunately. I am still tired today. I can't wait to go home and go to bed early! The only thing I have to do when I get home is clean the bathroom so it is presentable for people coming over tomorrow (tomorrow is my roomate Shelby's birthday- a few friends/famly are coming over to celebrate, and our bathroom is the "shared" bathroom that does not involve going into a bedroom to get to). And today is going slow! Let's get it moving! Please!

$189OUCH

2005-09-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

My brother Garrett and I used to have similar eating habits. By that, I don't mean that we ate the same foods, had cravings for the same things, but that we both go through spurts where we will either a) eat anything and everything we can or b) hardly eat anything at all. This never used to be a problem for me. But lately, its been the everything kick I've been on. Except it seems to be not 'everything' that I'm eating, but how much of whatever I'm eating I'm eating.
When I went to Oregon in June for my cousin Karen's wedding, I went prepared to hear the fat jokes, and comments about the weight I have gained since I saw that side of my family last. Now, in all fairness, I am not really fat. I've just put on a good almost 30 pounds since I had seen them last. And none of it is in height.
I left California prepared, because my aunt Kathy's house is famous for picking on people. Not in a harsh and demeaning way, but that is just the way it goes in their house. If one of the kids brings home a new boyfriend or girlfriend, they have to pass the test of dealing with the pickingon and jokes. Since the last time I have been there, it had toned down a little. No one commented on my weight but me. I warned my mom ahead of time, and when I walked out to meet her, she said "You have put on a little bit." The look on her face was surprise. My aunt, however, was a little more comforting. "You have gained a little bit, but you're fine, and you'll lose it."
Well, I have not lost anything. I'm having a hard time getting to the point of trying. I've changed how I eat a little, and its changing more every day. I just can't get back into the kick of exercising. And its amazing how much you don't realize you've put on until the season starts changing and you have to find the clothes for that season. I found mine, and they didn't fit. Ok, the tops do, but the pants don't.
Since I was so bored last night, knowing I have TWO pairs of long pants that fit, I went out to find more. And I did. So that I'm covered, I ended up spending $189. Considering what all I bought, that actually isn't bad. But, I realized I can't find half of the shirts I had, so I need to get more of those too. Great....
Anyway, its football Sunday, and Neil has Direct TV for the very reason that he can have the Sunday Ticket and watch all of the games he possibly can. I'm off to go join him. We're having Tri-tip for dinner... Yum. I think I'll pick up some baby reds and a sweet potato or two to cook up with it... Green beans or brussel sprouts? Green beans.

In a whole new world now.

2005-09-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm young. The job I have is the only "real" job I have ever had, and calling it real might be pushing it. (I have also had 2 other cleaining jobs, one of which is current, and every-other weekend.) I also lost the last copy of the resume I had prepared. Granted, I would not be able to use it now, but it would at least remind me where to start. I went online to try to apply for this one job online tonight, and they want a resume and a cover letter- I have neither. It is a really cool position in a hospital just down the road, in the rehab division. It doesn't sound too different from what I am currently doing, but is in a different area than I have ever worked before. Not only have I never prepared paperwork for a formal interview before, but I have never quit before. Its scary. But it needs to be done. I called my old boss today (he used to work for/was part owner of the company I am at now.) to make sure he would be a reference for me, and to tell him Happy Birthday. He was getting ready to go to his brother's house, but it sounded like the party started a little early. LOL I'm glad he's having fun. Meanwhile, I've found that I only have two pairs of long pants that fit, and I am off to go try to find more. I just hope I can also find something to eat! hahaha.... I hope you're having a great morning/afternoon/evening/whatever.

Who said anything about being bored?

2005-09-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

LOL This is what happens when you stay at home on a Friday night because you are on call, have to be at a place an hour away an hour too early the next morning, and are alone. My two cool roomates, Shelby and Layce, went to Layce's sister's house. I was invited, but an hour too early an hour away does not sound like fun after a late night out. Actually, an hour too early an hour away doesn't sound fun tomorrow at all, but if I don't go, I get dropped from this class. Next week, when we get out to the driving range, it will not be so bad. Except I haven't been to the range at all this summer, and I can bet its not going to be pretty.
My project for the next week- get the golf clubs and hit a range before class Saturday! Ack!

I am in a really good mood right now. I have been in kind of a funk lately, but its all PMS related... Well, work played a part too, but if the former hadn't been a problem, the latter would received a lesser reaction. Its amazing what moving out will do to a kid. I came back to California for my senior year, to graduate with the kids I have known my whole life, and spend more time with my grandparents. As I mentioned in a previous post, when Tawnya, my best friend aka "sister" died, I started changing. I cut off some of my closest friends (mainly Mandy, in Oregon. Mandy, again, I am sorry I wasn't there for you as a friend should have been. You are awesome, and I thank for for sticking behind me all this time. Can you believe its been four years!?!?!?) while simultaneously finding ways to draw closer to my grandparents.

Strange segue: Around the same time Tawnya was in the hospital, we learned my grandpa J had an aneurysm, and a large one at that. My aunt Maggie (the only aunt I have left in California!) was also having a 50th birthday party. The weekend we ended up going down to California, Keilani (sister in law- Ben's wife) was in labor with Jaden. We also ended up going down the same weekend as Aunt Maggie's birthday. I hadn't known just how bad Tawnya's condition was. But I had a feeling that when Jaden was born, I would lose either Tawnya or Grandpa J. The day I left California, Jaden was born. I remember telling Tawnya's family before I left the hospital that day (thanks mom, for letting me talk you into stopping by again on the way to the airport), and seeing a couple of tears fall. I knew. I went home, went to school the next day, came home to a message on the answering machine I will never forget. "Hi Jamie, this is Auntie Dee. I just called because we wanted you to know that they are going to go ahead and turn the machines off today...."

At the end of the school year, I booked it back down to California. I'm not saying I'm the perfect grandchild (heaven knows I'm not), nor am I saying I spent every spare minute with my grandparents. But I am saying that I made the right decision. I grew up living right down the street from BOTH of my sets of grandparents. They actually lived within walking distance of each other! I've spent a lot of time with both sets, and my brothers have too. They got to go camping with the Grandparents J when they were little, but by the time I was little but old enough to go too, it seems Grandpa's empyhsema kicked in, and I never got to go on those trips. I think I've always felt like that meant I HAD (voluntarily, on my part) to spend more time with them otherwise. We did puzzles, read books, ate dry cereal out of coffee mugs, shared M&Ms, and played a baseball game. I love the memories I have from spending time with them.

I am also glad I could be there for later, more serious things. I was there when Grandma J fell going into the beauty shop and broke her nose. I was there when Grandpa passed out (for the second time that morning) and went down to the hospital (again, for the second time that MORNING) and took Grandma down to the hospital. That time, he was admitted. Then came a rush of phone calls, a couple of quick plane flights, and Grandpa got to see his second great-grandson from my brother before he died. Okay, so that doesn't sound too happy. I did get to chat with Grandpa a few more times, shared a few dinners with them, had our ritual "I love you Grandpa" "I love you too, baby girl, I always will" "I will always love you too Grandpa" chat, and he was able to meet and get to know Neil a little bit too. (Brenda, I wish there was some way Neil could have met Grandpa N! They would have gotten along so well!) Every extra minute I can spend with my grandparents is a minute extra I have always treasured. They're too cool to ditch and ignore.

On a lighter note, Arizona means that I get to see my nieces and nephews again! I haven't seen Miranda, Alyssa, or Jaden for two years. (The fourth, Riley, was the second great-grandson my grandpa got to see before he died. That was just over a year ago.) I'm bummed Neil can't be there, because I want him to get to know my family a little more (me loving to spend time with him goes without saying). I'm also bummed that all of this is happening right now, because I love Neil's family, and I would LOVE to go see them too. LOL We need to get on a better schedule.

I moved out in July. Its probably one of the best things I have ever done. Not just because I was still living with my dad, but how uncomfortable I felt being there, thanks to the step-mom. I have made a rather unfortunate conclusion on her, but I would rather not post it publicly here. I may be completely wrong. Since I moved out, I've gotten back to being closer to my old self, granted 3 years older and (name a number) many years more mature. Which means right now I am an odd combination between the outgoer I was until the Spring Semester of my junior year, and the the person I have since grown to be. I don't honestly know how to explain it. I am happy, and that is really fun to be. This is the first time in 3 years that I have been this happy, been able to say "Great!" enthusiastically when asked how I am! Its Awesome. Of course, being in love helps too, but hey....

Guess who's going to Arizona for Christmas!

2005-09-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yeah, if you really had to guess that's just too bad. Its me! Silly. I bought the tickets, forward the itinerary, and the only bad thing is that I can't stay as long as I would like. Four days. At least its time, and means not spending Christmas feeling alone. I just hope whoever I end up taking a job from understands the meaning of family priority! Come to think of it, if they don't, I don't want to work there.
Tomorrow, I call my former boss (a really cool guy) to tell him happy birthday and ask for advice, and to make sure he will be a reference for me.

I'm so excited. I have the plane tickets, that means I have to go or I lose the $$$... Not good.

Costa Rica, November 2004

2005-09-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Last November, Neil's brother Ray got married down in Costa Rica, where their mom usually lives. (I say usually because she also has a house stateside, and travels to see friends/family a lot.) Luckilly, I had vacation built up, and was able to spend a wonderful two and a half weeks with Neil's family and friends down in Costa Rica. Talk about a great trip! I only wish I had more pictures!

The day after the wedding, it had been arranged for a group of at least 10 of us to go out on this yacht. The bride, her parents and step-parents, the groom, his friends, her kids, Mum, her friends, a few local friends, Neil and I. One of the beaches we stopped at had white and black sand, that created interesting patterns on the ground. Every wave changed the pattern, form, shape, and texture. I couldn't resist taking this picutre.

This is the yacht we were all on. The little pontoon on the right and the rope the anchor is attached to come into play with this next picture, and at the same beach...

You can just barely see Neil and one of the other guys on the other side... Yes, you are right, this is a cave. The cave went straight through the penninsula. The yacht guides said "Don't go in the cave when the tide is coming in. You might get stuck on the other side." Well, beer was involved, and a few of the guys decided it didn't look so dangerous after all. Funny thing was, the tide was coming in. (Okay, its not funny at all.)

The first two over realized half way through the cave that it was not their best idea. As soon as they got over, a couple of other guys thought the first two were yelling for more beer. ( Apparently, 'stay there' sounds a lot like 'Bring Beer!' when you've been drinking the said beverage.) Each guy that went over realized half way through the cave that it was a bad idaea, but no one could get back through. Soon enough, five guys were stuck on the other side of the penninsula.

Now this was no ordinary penninsula. The cave, as you can see, is solid rock. So were the walls and the area the guys were now stuck in. There was a little outcrop they were able to sit or stand on, but no beach. Two of them decided to scale the straight rock wall, while the others decided to swim around the penninsula. One made it over the top, and the other got stuck. So, they pulled the rope off of the anchor, ran up the hill, tossed it down to him, and prayed he didn't fall. He didn't, but he did lose his wedding ring within 24 hours of saying "I do."

While the captain was at the top of the cliff trying to rescue Neil's brother, the men from his boat took the pontoon around to the other side of the penninsula and picked up the swimmers. Long story short, everyone made it home safe, and everyone else was glad no one got hurt.

Moral to the story- don't mix beer, tides and testosterone.

Geckos are everywhere (literally) at night in Playa de Coco.

I was lucky enough to be able to play at Hacienda Pinilla Golf Course in the Guanacaste Region, with Neil's mom, her best friend, and Neil. I won't tell you what I shot, but I will tell you I had fun.

Brenda, this one is for you!

2005-09-15T21:50:00.001-07:00

So now that I am figuring out how to post pictures, I'm actually having quite a bit of fun with it.... hahahahahahaha... But I suppose it is all good- you'll see more who I am, and who I care the most about. So far, you've seen my Honey (awesome... really he is) and some pictures from my vacations. Now, on for some of my favorite people!

My cousin Karen got married in June, giving me a darn good reason to head back up to Oregon for a week and take a semi-long, well deserved vacation. One of my favorite things about that trip, was getting to see and spend time with my mom, who is one of the best people you could ever meet. I am so proud of my mom, and so thankful for all that she has done for me. There is no way I could ever repay her! (Read: She gave me time. When my best friend was diagnosed with leukemia in 2002, my mom flew with me down to California. This 3 day trip allowed me to see my best friend, whom I usually refer to as my sister, before she died. Granted, she was on life support and unconscious, but I know she heard what I said. This has made a huge difference both on how I was able to deal with her death, and how I view my relationships. Thanks Mom, you mean the world to me!) Aren't we just the coolest chicks you've ever seen?

I couldn't get the shading right when I was editing this picture... So Grandma looks a little washed out. But this is how awesome my brother is: he bought tickets for Grandma, Dad, step-mother, himself and his wife, Honey and I to go to a Giants' home game in May. Not only did he buy the tickets, he provided the transportation and is an awesome SBC park guide. It was Grandma's first major league baseball game, and both of our first times at SBC Park. Perfect ending to the night- the Giants won 10-2 versus the Dodgers! (Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.!)

Photography- something I could stand to learn more about!

2005-09-15T21:49:00.001-07:00

So, I've been meaning to get on here and post some pictures, but my Honey needed to use my laptop last night, therefore leaving me unable to post! (All of my newest pictures are on here, and I don't have a desktop computer. Besides, he was generous enough to give this to me as a birthday present last year, and is a computer nerd (not a bad thing) and we share almost everything anyway.) But alas, I was computerless last night. That just means two posts tonight! hahahaha.....

I went to Arizona for Christmas in 2003, and before I left my mom, brother, his family and I went to a carnival/park. While we were waiting for the girls to get out of the bumper boats, I noticed the contrast in the picture above. I loved the lanterns.

This is a view from Neil's mom's back porch. Nice, eh?

This is another view from her back porch.

Ah... Costa Rica... I hope I can go back soon!

At a loss for words

2005-09-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what to do anymore. I just finished writing a letter to one of my closest friends, detailing in full why I am no longer satisfied with my job: it seems this business has a bad habit of attracting people who no one can win with- people who let everything get to them and take it out on whoever is closest. But this person I am dealing with now is the tops. I've dealt with her the longest, but the problem has gotten to me the shortest. I'm trying to let it go, and block it off from getting to me, but what can you do when no matter what you do nothing is good enough. Honestly, I was more ready to walk out today than I ever was at any point before.
Tip- Never work at a small business where the boss dates the office manager, and there is no inbetween person to discuss issues with.

Pictures! Oh yeah buddy...

2005-09-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of myself for being able to figure this out! I actually posted a picture! Hah! I feel so smart. Which is excellent because work is REALLY slow right now and I am at the point where I do not feel stimulated enough and my mind is going crazy! It will change. I actually posted this picture on the 12th.

My brother Garrett did something really cool back in May. He bought tickets to take himself, his wife Bryce, my Dad and his wife Connie, my Grandma, myself and my boyfriend Neil to a Giant's game at SBC Park. It was awesome. May 25th, 2005 against the LA Dodgers. The Giants won 10-2. I had never been to SBC Park, and hadn't been to a Giant's game since I was about 10 or 11. But that was only half of what made the game so awesome. No, it wasn't that the Giants Kicked the Dodgers Butts either, but that my brother Garrett! had bought tickets for all of us to go- including my boyfriend Neil!

Garrett is not as family oriented as some of the rest of us are. For example, I see Bryce about once a week, and we go shopping or get some food or watch a movie or something, together. We love spending time with each other, not only as family, but as friends. Its great. My mom spends a lot of time with my other brother Ben and his family, babysitting the kids, going on hikes/bike rides/walks, taking them to the park, just spending time together. Garrett on the other hand, will go see his friends, but doesn't really spend as much time with the family. Its not a bad thing, its just the way he is. Garrett is also the oldest child, therefore moved out first, and hasn't spent as much time around me as Ben or Bryce have. It was really big to me that he bought a ticket for Neil too, because that acknowledged (at least in my mind) that he sees me now as me, not the 13 year old brat I was when I lived with him and spent the most time with him last. Its as if he was saying "I think this guy is okay, and he looks like he's sticking around for a while. My sister seems happy, so it would be nice if I included him too."

Neil and I at a Giants game in May, 2005

I'll post the rest of the pics when I get home and onto my laptop!

Finally!

2005-09-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Sheesh. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Come Monday, I was more than ready for Neil to come back from his annual trek to Burning Man. Tuesday, I was so ecstatic I could barely concentrate, wondering how early he would leave and how much sooner that would mean he could call me! (Side note- I love the fact that we are secure and mature enough in our relationship to both realize and appreciate still doing things on our own- his trips to Burning Man, my upcoming trip to Arizona, girls/boys nights out, computer gaming nights, football Sundays, trips up to Chico to hang with the girls)- we aren't always attached at the hip!) Two and a half years with this one, and still going strong. I love it when he goes to Burning Man. He gets excited with the preparations and planning! So fun to watch and help out with. Next year, I'll be going too. Not for the full week and a half they usually make it, but for the weekend at least.
My mom is doing well. The surgery went well. They did find another malignant tumor, but it was in something they had already taken out, and was a 1B, so no other treatment required for that (Mom said the usual treatment is removal at that stage, and they have already done that). The main mass, however, was a 1C, still pretty good for cancer, but they are going to do Chemo anyway. She's really positive though, which helps me be positive in turn.
Yay.

Humbled

2005-08-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I got frustrated this morning when I could not use this new hair clip I bought because my hair is too thick for it- but in a few months my mom might not have any hair! Wow.

The clip is really a plastic circle with a hinge that allows it to open- there is rubber in the middle that "holds" the hair- well it won't hold mine- i can't shut it. Bummer, but wow do I feel bad for complaining.

My eyes burn from crying yesterday- crying from shock, being scared, and feeling like no matter what I do for my mom now it will not be enough. REally that is dumb of me- no matter what I do, she will say it is too much!

I love my mom.

I also cannot wait until Neil gets back! 4 days down, 6 to go!

So far, so good

2005-08-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Were I as creative as my cousin, I would start this off with a bit of Frank's lyrics, but alas, I am not. (I am also entirely too tired to think about any song other than the one playing behind me.)

My mom has cancer.

This is new. Well, fairly. She was in surgery yesterday, and they took everything out, including a grapefruit sized mass.

Luckilly, its only stage 1, and does not look like it has spread. So this is good. What's bad is telling your best friend's parents (I am still really close with the family, and if I had not called, they would have found out from my grandma at church and called me)- when your best friend died of a form of cancer a few years ago. And finding out her little sister as a bone problem in her foot that means she will have to have surgery to avoid losing the foot- she's 12!!!!!

A few of the "surveys" that run around the internet ask a question:
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

Up until now, I would have answered- Breathing underwater.. Yeah, flying would be cool, but think about being able to dive down- no snorkel, no scuba gear, and just swim!

Today, more than anything else, I wish I had the power to heal- take pain and illness from others and onto myself.

Look Mom! I did it!

2005-08-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

Wow. Who is the cool chick now huh? I just decided that having one blog (hah) on this other website is not good enough and I decided to log on here. Right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work (its after hours) and the AC is turned off. Its warm in here, I'm hot, but not yet hungry or bored enough to leave.

So, here and now I am here to say 'Yay for people with a smile'.

Thank you!

Why? Why not! I'm not perfect (don't you know it!) and I am not always happy go lucky. I used to be. Now I'm working towards it again, but I still have my moments (don't we all). But I have always realized the value of a smile- hey its easier than a hug...

I once had a wise teacher who answered every "How are you?" with "Wonderful!" Why? Simple. Attitude. When you say "wonderful" you can't say it with a grunt, you have to sound wonderful too- and if you start sounding wonderful, you start feeling wonderful. If you sound wonderful, and feel wonderful, others around you might start seeing how wonderful it is to feel wonderful, and wonderfully start answering they are wonderful too. Wonderful isn't it? Dr. Oz was a wonderful teacher to have.

I also don't like working with people who are frustrated- so I do what I can to ensure their sanity... This usually involves several random comments, or a funny look that will usually ensure their eruption of laugher.

And when I am not in the greatest mood, sometimes all it takes for me is a simple smile to get me going again.

So Smile. It might make someone's day...